I desperately need my dad’s help but struggle to accept his help

[Anonymous]

I’m going through some deeply painful health stuff with my DD.

I didn’t see or talk to my dad for 15 years (age 13-28) because I was kidnapped by my mom and she changed my identity and he couldn’t find me. At 28, I found my dad and we have slowly built a relationship over the last 10 years.

My dad will drop everything and show up for me. He has showed up when DD was in the NICU. He has come whenever I have asked and will do whatever I ask. Most recently, we had to travel to get treatment for DD out of state. My dad came to watch my other child, who became sick the morning we were set to leave. My dad got my DS to the pediatrician and took care of him while I was in the hospital with DD.

So here’s the problem-i only ever go to my dad when I have no other choice because I just find it so uncomfortable to depend on him. He is reliable and steady and kind, but it’s just hard for me to trust him even after 10 years. It’s not his fault that he missed so much of my life, but he did and so he feels like a stranger to me.

He is also just not capable of saying supportive things. He’s reserved and careful and just cannot seem to offer me any verbal support. It’s just what it is. But I think that’s what I’d love from him, but he just can’t seem to offer it. He is not warm and fuzzy, and things always feel kind of formal between us.

Is there a way I can get more comfortable with allowing him to help? He’s healthy, he’s retired, and he moved to my city to be close and help with my kids. I know I’m so lucky. I hate that this is so hard for me and never gets easier.

[Anonymous]

Read the 5 love languages. It helped me understand, and appreciate, that my less-than-verbally-expressive partner really was demonstrating his love for me in the ways he was able. I still want more verbal affirmation, but that’s not who he is, and the book helped me feel better about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the 5 love languages. It helped me understand, and appreciate, that my less-than-verbally-expressive partner really was demonstrating his love for me in the ways he was able. I still want more verbal affirmation, but that’s not who he is, and the book helped me feel better about that.

Op here. Yes totally you’re right. I don’t think it’s that he’s withholding verbal support, it’s just not part of who he is and I don’t see that changing. I know I need to embrace his strengths but as an example, I was sharing DD’s prognosis with him today and he was mostly just kinda silent. He didn’t say anything hardly at all or show any reaction.

And in my crazy late night mind, I start imagining things to fill in the gap like that maybe he thinks it’s my fault that DD is sick or that I’m handling this wrong, even though there’s no evidence for that.

[Anonymous]

“He is reliable and steady and kind”

“My dad will drop everything and show up for me. He has showed up when DD was in the NICU. He has come whenever I have asked and will do whatever I ask. Most recently, we had to travel to get treatment for DD out of state. My dad came to watch my other child, who became sick the morning we were set to leave. My dad got my DS to the pediatrician and took care of him while I was in the hospital with DD. “

He’s there when you need him. In your own words, he will drop everything and show up. His actions show more love than just supportive words ever could.

[Anonymous]

What are your memories of him before age 13? That's pretty established relationship at that age, right? Was he reliable then?

What were your mom's reasons for the estrangement/separation?

[Anonymous]

Can you tell him what you need? Or tell him the things you want to hear?

‘Dad, I could really use a hug right now.’
‘Dad, thanks for being there for me. I love you. Can we hug?’
‘Dad, sometimes all I need is for you to say is you love me.’

[Anonymous]

Dad you have been so helpful to us during times of crisis. Please come to dinner Sunday so we can enjoy some family time together. Or would you like to come to DD soccer game Sunday or whatever would work best.

[Anonymous]

Why rely on him for something you know he can’t give? Someone else needs to give you the words of comfort. You know that your Dad is a “helper”. Ask him for help.

[Anonymous]

Have you been in therapy, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are your memories of him before age 13? That's pretty established relationship at that age, right? Was he reliable then?

What were your mom's reasons for the estrangement/separation?

Op here. My mom is mentally ill and when she kidnapped me and my siblings and hid us in Canada, she was defying court orders. My mom immediately married another man and changed our identities and forced us to pretend that our stepdad was our actual biological dad. Initially she said our real dad was evil and abusive, but then she just erased him and we never talked about him ever. For a long time I was confused and I did think my dad was evil. It wasn’t until I got therapy and my therapist asked me to explain what “evil” meant that I started to question things. For a long time I accepted the reality that my mom presented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why rely on him for something you know he can’t give? Someone else needs to give you the words of comfort. You know that your Dad is a “helper”. Ask him for help.

Op here. I know I should just appreciate him for who he is but he’s the only family I have and so I think I’m wanting him to fill a huge void. I want him to validate me. Sometimes I’m not even sure if he likes me.

[Anonymous]

You are processing a lot of trauma while going through trauma. I am so sorry. Everything you’re describing makes perfect sense.

Keep asking him for help when you need it, keep staying curious about this complicated feelings.

Sending good energy to your beautiful daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are processing a lot of trauma while going through trauma. I am so sorry. Everything you’re describing makes perfect sense.

Keep asking him for help when you need it, keep staying curious about this complicated feelings.

Sending good energy to your beautiful daughter.

+1 to the above, OP. And also keep in mind that your father may be processing his own trauma. He was denied the bond of parenthood with you but had the weight of worrying as a parent as well.

Give both yourself and him some grace. Even if you had a close, continuous relationship this would be hard because it's just a hard situation to have a seriously ill child. Best of luck to you and prayers and strength to your daughter for healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are processing a lot of trauma while going through trauma. I am so sorry. Everything you’re describing makes perfect sense.

Keep asking him for help when you need it, keep staying curious about this complicated feelings.

Sending good energy to your beautiful daughter.

+1 to the above, OP. And also keep in mind that your father may be processing his own trauma. He was denied the bond of parenthood with you but had the weight of worrying as a parent as well.

Give both yourself and him some grace. Even if you had a close, continuous relationship this would be hard because it's just a hard situation to have a seriously ill child. Best of luck to you and prayers and strength to your daughter for healing.

Completely agree w/ every word of these posts.

He's showing you love OP - he's demonstrating it, living it, proving it. Try to let that be enough for right now. He won't be perfect (none of us are) but right now you need to be able to count on his actions. Over time you and he may find your way to other expressions also.

Hang in there. Sending you hugs and support - you have gotten a raw deal in life and have so much on your plate.

[Anonymous]

There's a reason we have the saying "Actions speak louder than words". I second the words of previous posters. My DH also has the "Acts of Service" love language. He also has some social anxiety and he is really afraid of saying the wrong thing during difficult situations. He shows he cares by doing, not by saying. And I do also just flat out say sometimes that I need a hug or a cuddle, and he obliges.

It's ok to be awkward as you navigate your relationship now. I feel happy for both of you that you could reconnect. I wish the best to your family and that your DC's difficulties ease.