How much responsibility should I have for my parents? What can I do?
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Anonymous
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Parents live thousands of miles away in another country. Dad is 67, mom is 69. There's been a massive decline in my dad's mental and physical health since covid. He was previously very fit (ex-military) and kept himself busy, but now he's totally reclusive. He has a heap of undiagnosed issues and spends his time obsessing about them. Despite clear mental health issues and a long history of family and professional trauma, he refuses to accept psychiatric help.
Mom works full-time on minimum wage as she can't afford to retire and dad has never shared finances with her. She's generally a pretty upbeat person but she's sounding increasingly stressed. Dad is a difficult person and she spends a lot of time trying to manage his anxiety. I'm an only child and parents aren't in contact with their siblings, so I don't have anyone in my home country to provide any support or perspective. I have a baby and a toddler and a job, and at best I can only get home to visit every other year - it's a 27hr multi-stop plane journey and incredibly expensive. I feel so helpless when I think about the situation. And I feel like I'm shirking responsibility by telling myself that I should just focus on my own children and husband, and let my parents own their choices. But then I'm so fortunate to have had a happy and comfortable upbringing. My parents didn't get the same opportunities, particularly my dad who had a rough and short childhood. I call infrequently due to the time differences but I send plenty of messages and photos. And flowers and gifts for special occasions. But that's the extent of what I do for my parents. Can / should I be doing more? What else can I do from a distance? |
Anonymous
| Honestly? I would be sending my mom money, to at least ease her anxiety, and perhaps hire a caregiver or support person to help with your Dad. I have been in a similar situation and this is what we did. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Send them money if they make good use of them (mine didn’t)
Honestly we had to wait for my mentally ill mother to pass away to actually start doing something for dad In situations like this spouses become codependent and it’s impossible to help them in any meaningful way |
Anonymous
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Sending money often doesn't not solve problems and it creates new ones like marital conflict, stress that you are saving less for your kids' college funds and retirement and conflict if this was not a joint discussion with spouse.
If you can more than afford to throw your own money at it, I suggest offering to pay for a medical bill or offering to pay for hired help when needed or something like that. The stories are endless of parents taking advantage when just given handouts to use at their discretion. |
Anonymous
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I'm an only child of parents across the Atlantic, so I feel a little bit of your pain, OP. My father is an anxious hypochondriac who is increasingly befuddled, and my mother is handicapped and relies on him for daily living help. You need to have a serious talk with them about what end of life care means to them. If your father can be reasoned with, see if he can put his financial info in a binder that his wife can access upon his death. This is what my father has done. What options does this country have, in terms of help around the house, or homes for the elderly? If your father becomes entirely helpless, what services can your mother access: are there government-funded homes, however terrible they may be? Would he have access to a veteran's home? If you think they can use an iPad, please order them one. They are easy to use for Facetime and seeing your face and that of your childrens' will ease their anxiety and depression a bit, plus you can visually monitor them and the state of their home. I have a standing weekend Facetime with my parents on their iPad and I can find some pretext for them to move around and show me the house. I can check to see they haven't lost too much weight (they're both quite underweight). And seeing my kids grow up is very important to them! |
Anonymous
+1 I agree. |
Anonymous
| Yes instead of the flowers, give the $ instead. Or if you can’t make the flight, send the money that you would’ve paid for the flight. |
Anonymous
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OP I posted before, but just wanted to give some more detail. Many of my friends are from immigrant families and got locked into sending money trying to ease suffering for parents and make them happy. My parents are in good shape financially and I got sucked into decreasing work hours to help mom chose care providers, find programs for dad, chose doctors, set up the house for an aide and lock valuables in safe containers, and more. I became her confidant as she emoted endlessly but refused to join a support group or reach out to friends.
My friends who provides financially and I who provided physical and emotional support all ended up in the same situation-gratitude quickly evolved into entitlement and more demands. As we set boundaries we became the bad one and they turned all that negativity on us and blamed us for their misery. Our parents remained miserable. We only eased their misery briefly because due to rigidity and cultural beliefs they refused to get themselves actual help from professionals. A friend of mine no longer speaks to the mother she financially helped for so many years. So just preparing you. You may get some relief throwing money their way. They may be gracious and stay that way. I hope they do. I hope this makes your mom happy. Just don't be surprised if you are posting here a year or 2 from now many thousands of dollars gone and not only are your parents unhappy, but some of that unhappiness is targeted at you for not giving even more money or for deciding to no longer give. |
Anonymous
| What country? What are the resources there for elder care? |
Anonymous
| I would go help them. |
Anonymous
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It does not sound like OP going to her home country could accomplish much at this point. If you could get a time set up with just your mom to speak to her to see what things she might benefit from that makes more sense. Before you can help, you have to know what she feels she needs as it is unlikely your dad will be that open to expressing his wants. You could do some research to see what services are available in your parents local area in terms of care places where those with dementia or physical ailments might transition to. Or if there is a way to employ folks for very little money, then find a way that you could pay a person directly for services or try it with your mom first. You might also try to work on your end to set up a way for you to travel over to see them when it really is needed ahead of time as with care for your young children via friends, in-laws etc. and set up a fund with your husband to be able to travel. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for all the responses. Parents live in UK, and we're currently living overseas. Husband is foreign service so we live all over the world.
I'm not sure money would help. Firstly, I don't think they'd accept it. I believe my dad has a healthy income due to his military income but I don't know. Weird, I know. He has never shared finances and we have no idea how much money he has. For all I know, he could be sending all his money to quacks on the internet and homeopathic remedies. Mom earns min wage but lives mortgage-free and v low cost of living area. However she loves buying presents for friends and family, and going out with her friends. She keeps on working so she can afford to carry on that life. I'm always talking to mom about importance of saving/planning for retirement, and trying to encourage her to put together some sort of plan with dad - financially and for future care. But man I find it so hard. I find it hard to start the conversation and then hard to get any traction. |
Anonymous
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Check this out for a framework to talk to them.
https://cameronhuddleston.com/mom-and-dad-we-need-to-talk/ |
Anonymous
OP, my guess one of the challenges is that your parents appear to have a fairly traditional relationship and they are living somewhat separate financial lives. Perhaps you could broach this separately with your dad, trying to get him to imagine how the future may unfold for him, where he sees himself living in ten years, etc. Maybe this will give you some insight into the finances, etc. Good luck - this doesn't sound easy, especially from afar! |