Rating yourself as a parent

[Anonymous]

Someone asked me this yesterday and I answered B+. Kids are in their low 30s.
Brought it up to my 2 daughters and told them what I gave myself. One daughter said an A.
The other daughter said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she was frustrated and hurt at some things that happened in her childhood. And still is.
I have no idea what she means.
I said I was open to hearing her truth.

It makes me feel defensive, of course. I grew up in a single parent household with no money, we simply survived the best we could.
I've had to forgive my parents for being broken people themselves. THey did the best they could.

sigh...

[Anonymous]

I think this will be my future.

I intuitively know how to parent one of my kids but am often stymied by the other.

FWIW, I'd give my own mom a C or even D for her parenting, but we had a deep, deep love for each other. It's good that your daughter could say to you that she's hurt about something. That's a first step toward healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this will be my future.

I intuitively know how to parent one of my kids but am often stymied by the other.

FWIW, I'd give my own mom a C or even D for her parenting, but we had a deep, deep love for each other. It's good that your daughter could say to you that she's hurt about something. That's a first step toward healing.

it's odd because my daughters are identical twins.

My husband had angry outbursts for sure.

[Anonymous]

We always think we’re better parents than our kids do. My kids think I’m crazy strict (I’m not!), and my younger one thinks I’m a tiger mother with impossible standards. I consider myself easy going! The gap is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always think we’re better parents than our kids do. My kids think I’m crazy strict (I’m not!), and my younger one thinks I’m a tiger mother with impossible standards. I consider myself easy going! The gap is hilarious.

I think when our kids becomes parents themselves, things change.
Currently, my kids are not parents.

[Anonymous]

My parents would say they were solidly B+-A range. My mom would be right about that. She wasn't perfect, of course, but she genuinely cared and we could always count on her and she was endlessly patient and calm and kind. My dad was more like a C-D parent. He is in denial that he has an anger problem and a substance abuse problem and would never admit it but he was incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive to us as kids, calling us names, cursing at us, not apologizing, being overly critical and judgmental and domineering, he didn't listen to us, etc. But in his mind, he sacrificed so much of his personal life to have kids and he was always "there for us" (at least in a physical sense, that is true) and he made sure we had family dinner every night and read us bedtime stories when we were little. So therefore he was a great parent. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents would say they were solidly B+-A range. My mom would be right about that. She wasn't perfect, of course, but she genuinely cared and we could always count on her and she was endlessly patient and calm and kind. My dad was more like a C-D parent. He is in denial that he has an anger problem and a substance abuse problem and would never admit it but he was incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive to us as kids, calling us names, cursing at us, not apologizing, being overly critical and judgmental and domineering, he didn't listen to us, etc. But in his mind, he sacrificed so much of his personal life to have kids and he was always "there for us" (at least in a physical sense, that is true) and he made sure we had family dinner every night and read us bedtime stories when we were little. So therefore he was a great parent. /s

I'm the OP - this would be us, although he never called anyone names. He was stressed from his job, the only one supporting the family, didn't have a great upbrinigng himself, and thought he was doing a great job because he was a good provider.

[Anonymous]

My child is too young to assess me at this point. I hope I get a decent grade but who knows. I work very hard at it.

I'd give my dad a D and my mom a C+. They were abusive, physically and emotionally. But I get that they were also abuse survivors and to some degree they did not feel they had a choice. They had kids very young, which was also not something over which they felt they had a choice. But my childhood was really hard and I still very much deal with the repercussions of it.

I think possibly my dad deserves an F but I can't bring myself to give it to him. I think he's a broken person. He lacks the self-awareness necessary for improvement. He was physically abusive and that's upsetting, but to be honest I think the hardest thing about having him as a parent was that he is a true narcissist. I don't think he even knows how to think of my siblings and I as people (or my mom, for that matter). I don't think he knows how to think beyond his own immediate needs, plus he's deeply insecure and doesn't know how to meet his own needs either. I guess I give him a D because he could have been worse. I drank too much but is not actually an alcoholic. He hit us but he never hit my mom. He did provide for us, which is worth something. So D it is.

I think my mom was actually an A at some things. I think if she'd had a better partner and been able to have kids a little later in life, get some distance from her own family and a little life experience, I actually think she could have been a good mom. I think in some ways I'm the mom she could have been if she'd had these things. She worked hard at it too. But she didn't protect us from our dad, and also she never got treatment for her mental health problems and that led to a lot of emotional abuse that is probably harder to deal with now as an adult. Now that I know what was happening. I always knew being hit was wrong, that this was their failure. I didn't understand until later that a lot of the other stuff -- the yelling, silent treatment, blaming us for their own issues, expecting us to run the house and take care of ourselves -- I didn't know how bad that was until much later. It was totally normalized.

So my mom winds up with a C even though I think she is a much more whole person than my dad, with much greater potential to do good. But the circumstances really didn't support her in being that.

If I can get a B from my kid, I consider it a win. Plus kids grade on a curve. My own child, thankfully, does not know what it is to be hit, yelled at, ignored. So she might give me a C but I'll know, and that's enough for me.

[Anonymous]

This sounds horrible to think about. My parents were amazing -- can't imagine better parents -- and I'm sure my kids won't be able to say the same. I feel like I've made so many mistakes every day of their lives even though I'm trying my best. I wouldn't want to have this kind of conversation with them when they're adults because it's not like I can go back in time and fix the things they didn't like.

I think criticism or accolades of parents is something you carry forward to the next generation -- you make choices in your parenting based on what you liked or didn't about your parents' parenting -- but there's rarely a point in raising it to the parents who raised you.

[Anonymous]

OP, just some perspective: my sister and I are in our 40s. We are very different. I do not think my parents were perfect but I think they had some really hard things to face and they did so with love and they really tried their best. That’s what I would tell them. My sister would say they were terrible and that she’s still really hurt. But there would be no specific examples given, and lots of game-playing to make them guess how they had hurt her. Sigh. This has all played out in family therapy sessions several times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this will be my future.

I intuitively know how to parent one of my kids but am often stymied by the other.

FWIW, I'd give my own mom a C or even D for her parenting, but we had a deep, deep love for each other. It's good that your daughter could say to you that she's hurt about something. That's a first step toward healing.

it's odd because my daughters are identical twins.

My husband had angry outbursts for sure.

She may have needed you to get your man in line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone asked me this yesterday and I answered B+. Kids are in their low 30s.
Brought it up to my 2 daughters and told them what I gave myself. One daughter said an A.
The other daughter said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she was frustrated and hurt at some things that happened in her childhood. And still is.
I have no idea what she means.
I said I was open to hearing her truth.

It makes me feel defensive, of course. I grew up in a single parent household with no money, we simply survived the best we could.
I've had to forgive my parents for being broken people themselves. THey did the best they could.

sigh...

I think you put them on the spot and then were defensive when someone tried to be honest. I'm not sure that's really fair. Sounds like she's not ready to share those things, probably because she knows you'll be hurt and defensive. I'm not even sure why you stared this conversation. If you think you're a great parent, that's wonderful, but you shouldn't then go tell your kids to a) tell you that you are a great parent, or b) have an uncomfortable conversation that will not lead to anything good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this will be my future.

I intuitively know how to parent one of my kids but am often stymied by the other.

FWIW, I'd give my own mom a C or even D for her parenting, but we had a deep, deep love for each other. It's good that your daughter could say to you that she's hurt about something. That's a first step toward healing.

it's odd because my daughters are identical twins.

My husband had angry outbursts for sure.

She may have needed you to get your man in line.

she absolutely did. Due to my own issues, I did not. I deeply regret that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone asked me this yesterday and I answered B+. Kids are in their low 30s.
Brought it up to my 2 daughters and told them what I gave myself. One daughter said an A.
The other daughter said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she was frustrated and hurt at some things that happened in her childhood. And still is.
I have no idea what she means.
I said I was open to hearing her truth.

It makes me feel defensive, of course. I grew up in a single parent household with no money, we simply survived the best we could.
I've had to forgive my parents for being broken people themselves. THey did the best they could.

sigh...

I think you put them on the spot and then were defensive when someone tried to be honest. I'm not sure that's really fair. Sounds like she's not ready to share those things, probably because she knows you'll be hurt and defensive. I'm not even sure why you stared this conversation. If you think you're a great parent, that's wonderful, but you shouldn't then go tell your kids to a) tell you that you are a great parent, or b) have an uncomfortable conversation that will not lead to anything good.

if it leads to healing, how could it be bad? Sounds like things needs to get off this daughter's chest.

[Anonymous]

I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.