Rating yourself as a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.

I disagree. If there's something that need to be resolved, I'd like to know about it. Makes for a closer relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.

I disagree. If there's something that need to be resolved, I'd like to know about it. Makes for a closer relationship.

Like what? Your DD telling you that you were a sh*tty parent even though you did your best? How do you resolve that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.

I disagree. If there's something that need to be resolved, I'd like to know about it. Makes for a closer relationship.

Like what? Your DD telling you that you were a sh*tty parent even though you did your best? How do you resolve that?

maybe her getting it off her chest and me listening would be enough. I did my best. Nothing wrong with apologizing for slights I didn't realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.

I disagree. If there's something that need to be resolved, I'd like to know about it. Makes for a closer relationship.

Like what? Your DD telling you that you were a sh*tty parent even though you did your best? How do you resolve that?

maybe her getting it off her chest and me listening would be enough. I did my best. Nothing wrong with apologizing for slights I didn't realize.

Slippery slope PP. But good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this will be my future.

I intuitively know how to parent one of my kids but am often stymied by the other.

FWIW, I'd give my own mom a C or even D for her parenting, but we had a deep, deep love for each other. It's good that your daughter could say to you that she's hurt about something. That's a first step toward healing.

it's odd because my daughters are identical twins.

My husband had angry outbursts for sure.

She may have needed you to get your man in line.

she absolutely did. Due to my own issues, I did not. I deeply regret that.

You can tell her that. You did the best you could at the time. You see now that one of your daughters needed...more. The fact you even care to know how they feel about your parenting speaks volumes about your character and love for them. Life is long and you have time to understand her perspective and she should be able to understand yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.

I disagree. If there's something that need to be resolved, I'd like to know about it. Makes for a closer relationship.

Like what? Your DD telling you that you were a sh*tty parent even though you did your best? How do you resolve that?

You acknowledge her feelings, assure her you love her and you both move forward with your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this will be my future.

I intuitively know how to parent one of my kids but am often stymied by the other.

FWIW, I'd give my own mom a C or even D for her parenting, but we had a deep, deep love for each other. It's good that your daughter could say to you that she's hurt about something. That's a first step toward healing.

it's odd because my daughters are identical twins.

My husband had angry outbursts for sure.

She may have needed you to get your man in line.

she absolutely did. Due to my own issues, I did not. I deeply regret that.

You can tell her that. You did the best you could at the time. You see now that one of your daughters needed...more. The fact you even care to know how they feel about your parenting speaks volumes about your character and love for them. Life is long and you have time to understand her perspective and she should be able to understand yours.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone asked me this yesterday and I answered B+. Kids are in their low 30s.
Brought it up to my 2 daughters and told them what I gave myself. One daughter said an A.
The other daughter said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she was frustrated and hurt at some things that happened in her childhood. And still is.
I have no idea what she means.
I said I was open to hearing her truth.

It makes me feel defensive, of course. I grew up in a single parent household with no money, we simply survived the best we could.
I've had to forgive my parents for being broken people themselves. THey did the best they could.

sigh...

I think you put them on the spot and then were defensive when someone tried to be honest. I'm not sure that's really fair. Sounds like she's not ready to share those things, probably because she knows you'll be hurt and defensive. I'm not even sure why you stared this conversation. If you think you're a great parent, that's wonderful, but you shouldn't then go tell your kids to a) tell you that you are a great parent, or b) have an uncomfortable conversation that will not lead to anything good.

I disagree. OP could show empathy here to her daughters concerns. It goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

My parents definitely put me in situations which would earn them an F BUT I always knew they loved me unconditionally. I know many people who grew up in much more functional/good families than mine but they are damaged because their parents made them feel like they were not enough. It's complicated, which is why you should never ask for a letter grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents definitely put me in situations which would earn them an F BUT I always knew they loved me unconditionally. I know many people who grew up in much more functional/good families than mine but they are damaged because their parents made them feel like they were not enough. It's complicated, which is why you should never ask for a letter grade.

OP here - I never did. One volunteered. I didn't expect them to answer in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We always think we’re better parents than our kids do. My kids think I’m crazy strict (I’m not!), and my younger one thinks I’m a tiger mother with impossible standards. I consider myself easy going! The gap is hilarious.

I think when our kids becomes parents themselves, things change.
Currently, my kids are not parents.

I thought I had some great parenting tips for my parents when I was in my 20s and 30s, and now that I'm a parent I just want to apologize to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We always think we’re better parents than our kids do. My kids think I’m crazy strict (I’m not!), and my younger one thinks I’m a tiger mother with impossible standards. I consider myself easy going! The gap is hilarious.

I think when our kids becomes parents themselves, things change.
Currently, my kids are not parents.

I thought I had some great parenting tips for my parents when I was in my 20s and 30s, and now that I'm a parent I just want to apologize to them.

lol right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents definitely put me in situations which would earn them an F BUT I always knew they loved me unconditionally. I know many people who grew up in much more functional/good families than mine but they are damaged because their parents made them feel like they were not enough. It's complicated, which is why you should never ask for a letter grade.

OP here - I never did. One volunteered. I didn't expect them to answer in any way.

Seriously? A deafening silence would be an answer. Imagine going to your boss and saying, “You know, I think I’m a really good employee.” And she says …..nothing, just looks at you. You don’t think you would draw a negative inference from that interaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents definitely put me in situations which would earn them an F BUT I always knew they loved me unconditionally. I know many people who grew up in much more functional/good families than mine but they are damaged because their parents made them feel like they were not enough. It's complicated, which is why you should never ask for a letter grade.

OP here - I never did. One volunteered. I didn't expect them to answer in any way.

You know, the more you comment on this thread, OP, the more you seem self-involved and unwilling to consider any feedback from your kids. Why would you talk about the grade you think you should get as a parent in front of your kids but expect that they will not respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.

I disagree. If there's something that need to be resolved, I'd like to know about it. Makes for a closer relationship.

Some things can't be resolved. My parents hit me when I was a kid, and both had anger problems. My mom had untreated depression most of my childhood. Now I'm an adult, and I have to wear the scars from that. I could discuss it from them, but they would want forgiveness and then if/when they got it, they'd want to never talk about it again. Meanwhile, I will need to deal with the fallout from childhood trauma all my life. No amount of forgiving them or talking about it with them will change that I didn't have a safe or loving home as a child, which has impacted my psychology in ways that I have to work to address.

Only the parent who screwed up could believe that discussing it would lead to "resolution." If you had a screwed up childhood, there is no resolution, only acceptance and figuring out how to work with it. I will never fully resolve my childhood scars to the point where they have no impact at all on me.