Rating yourself as a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.

Hi Mom! We already know you don't care. Just don't be surprised when we aren't there for you as you age and die. We'll do our best from afar. What goes around comes around.

Don’t need you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone asked me this yesterday and I answered B+. Kids are in their low 30s.
Brought it up to my 2 daughters and told them what I gave myself. One daughter said an A.
The other daughter said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she was frustrated and hurt at some things that happened in her childhood. And still is.
I have no idea what she means.
I said I was open to hearing her truth.

It makes me feel defensive, of course. I grew up in a single parent household with no money, we simply survived the best we could.
I've had to forgive my parents for being broken people themselves. THey did the best they could.

sigh...

That's what surprises me about this topic. People who are irresponsible, have more children and less resources, their children tend to be more forgiving to them, compared to people who have less children, more resources and try their best to do it right.

I think its more like Stockholm Syndrome, kids are groomed from beginning to not criticize parents but justify their behaviors.

[Anonymous]

In a household where parent put children first, children are more demanding and less appreciative of their privileges, they feel entitled to perfection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We always think we’re better parents than our kids do. My kids think I’m crazy strict (I’m not!), and my younger one thinks I’m a tiger mother with impossible standards. I consider myself easy going! The gap is hilarious.

I think when our kids becomes parents themselves, things change.
Currently, my kids are not parents.

Once I had kids, I felt like my parents did a worse job than before. My parents did everything they were supposed to do but were often distant. Once I had a kid, I couldn’t imagine holding them at arms length like that or not having them as my first priority. It changed my perspective completely, and I was closer to them before I had children. I know they did the best they could, and I have gotten over it, but having children made me think worse, not better, of them.

[Anonymous]

I think, i'm at best a C+ parent but if you asked my kids, they'll probably rate me as B- to A-, one might even give a solid A but no A+ heading my way.

Imho, i did my best but not necessarily in best ways, should've read more about child psychology to give more of what kids needed then what i thought was best for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone asked me this yesterday and I answered B+. Kids are in their low 30s.
Brought it up to my 2 daughters and told them what I gave myself. One daughter said an A.
The other daughter said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she was frustrated and hurt at some things that happened in her childhood. And still is.
I have no idea what she means.
I said I was open to hearing her truth.

It makes me feel defensive, of course. I grew up in a single parent household with no money, we simply survived the best we could.
I've had to forgive my parents for being broken people themselves. THey did the best they could.

sigh...

That's what surprises me about this topic. People who are irresponsible, have more children and less resources, their children tend to be more forgiving to them, compared to people who have less children, more resources and try their best to do it right.

I think its more like Stockholm Syndrome, kids are groomed from beginning to not criticize parents but justify their behaviors.

interesting perspective. And one that likely fits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just some perspective: my sister and I are in our 40s. We are very different. I do not think my parents were perfect but I think they had some really hard things to face and they did so with love and they really tried their best. That’s what I would tell them. My sister would say they were terrible and that she’s still really hurt. But there would be no specific examples given, and lots of game-playing to make them guess how they had hurt her. Sigh. This has all played out in family therapy sessions several times.

+1 My sisters have completely different experiences of our parents and that’s natural, because you literally are a different parent to each child. FWIW, adults who blame their parents for their own misery are likely to have a host of other issues that are unrelated so the accuracy of their grade is suspect at best.

[Anonymous]

I'd give myself an A and my spouse an A+, and I bet my adult kids (30s) would agree. We are an extremely close family and we all live in the DMV and see each other frequently. We are universally loved by our kids' friends as well.

[Anonymous]

I wonder about this. I think I’d probably give myself a B but I could see my kid being harsher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd give myself an A and my spouse an A+, and I bet my adult kids (30s) would agree. We are an extremely close family and we all live in the DMV and see each other frequently. We are universally loved by our kids' friends as well.

Many think that. Many are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.

I feel exactly the same. I love my very successful adult children, but the relationship can be so touchy sometimes. No way I’m asking them to grade me. Their dad and I did our best, they had almost everything they wanted, and were great kids. But now that they are parents, I’m not touching that subject.

[Anonymous]

I think how kids “rate” their parents has more to do with their personalities than any actual objective criteria. Most parents are decent - most are not amazing and most are not neglectful/abusive. Most are in the middle 30%-70%. How kids view that depends on whether they are more judgmental or more forgiving. Also, one kid’s “you neglected me” is another kid’s “you gave me independence and the freedom to find myself.” This is an impossible question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd give myself an A and my spouse an A+, and I bet my adult kids (30s) would agree. We are an extremely close family and we all live in the DMV and see each other frequently. We are universally loved by our kids' friends as well.

I love you too! You get an A++ from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone asked me this yesterday and I answered B+. Kids are in their low 30s.
Brought it up to my 2 daughters and told them what I gave myself. One daughter said an A.
The other daughter said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but she was frustrated and hurt at some things that happened in her childhood. And still is.
I have no idea what she means.
I said I was open to hearing her truth.

It makes me feel defensive, of course. I grew up in a single parent household with no money, we simply survived the best we could.
I've had to forgive my parents for being broken people themselves. THey did the best they could.

sigh...

That's what surprises me about this topic. People who are irresponsible, have more children and less resources, their children tend to be more forgiving to them, compared to people who have less children, more resources and try their best to do it right.

I think its more like Stockholm Syndrome, kids are groomed from beginning to not criticize parents but justify their behaviors.

Maybe children of parents with more resources are less forgiving because they know their parents should’ve known better. Fewer excuses.

[Anonymous]

I raised my DS who has ADHD single handedly from age 2 on and I give myself a solid A.