Making a shortlist of potential spouses I would approve for my child - just for fun!

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have a LOT of friends, family friends and people we know from church who have young kids. We have a nine month old baby girl and sometimes I find myself contemplating which one of our friends sons I would approve of her marrying- just for fun! I swear I won’t be one of those moms pressuring their daughter to get married and give them grandkids.
Is it just me or does anyone else do this?!

[Anonymous]

It's okay. You have a young baby and you are harmlessly dreaming of the future. And your child is young enough that who she is won't interfere with those dreams.

My mom used to whisper into my DD's ear when she was a baby that DD was going to be a cardiologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have a LOT of friends, family friends and people we know from church who have young kids. We have a nine month old baby girl and sometimes I find myself contemplating which one of our friends sons I would approve of her marrying- just for fun! I swear I won’t be one of those moms pressuring their daughter to get married and give them grandkids.
Is it just me or does anyone else do this?!

No, sorry. How old are your friends' kids anyhow? I have never played match maker with babies.

[Anonymous]

I get that this is just for fun, but I would keep that to myself.

[Anonymous]

That is creepy but it checks out since you are an active church-goer.

Are you also from the South/flyover?

[Anonymous]

I don't do this because I always want to stay open to the many possible futures for my kid, and they may or may not involve marriage or kids. I think what you're doing seems harmless now because you are just imagining, but if all you ever do is imagine your DDs future in terms of a future husband, I do think ultimately that could be limiting. And could make it harder for you to accept if your child's life takes them in a direction that doesn't lead straight to that kind of marriage/life, and it could also result in subliminal pressure on her even if you think you are being careful not to impose explicit pressure.

Do you ever contemplate what kind of woman she would marry?

Do you ever contemplate that she might postpone marriage until after she finishes her PhD?

Do you ever contemplate that she might not marry at all, and the things she might do instead that could still be worthwhile and fulfilling for her?

It just sounds like you have already decided your child, who isn't even a year old, is on a path much like the one you have already travelled, and I do think that's a little dicey of an outlook. Maybe I'm wrong and as your child gets older, you will naturally broaden your expectations for her as you see what kind of person she is. But are you prepared to find out what kind of person she is independent of the vision you have for her? If she has different desires or priorities, will you be able to recognize that or will your own desires and priorities for her get in the way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't do this because I always want to stay open to the many possible futures for my kid, and they may or may not involve marriage or kids. I think what you're doing seems harmless now because you are just imagining, but if all you ever do is imagine your DDs future in terms of a future husband, I do think ultimately that could be limiting. And could make it harder for you to accept if your child's life takes them in a direction that doesn't lead straight to that kind of marriage/life, and it could also result in subliminal pressure on her even if you think you are being careful not to impose explicit pressure.

Do you ever contemplate what kind of woman she would marry?

Do you ever contemplate that she might postpone marriage until after she finishes her PhD?

Do you ever contemplate that she might not marry at all, and the things she might do instead that could still be worthwhile and fulfilling for her?

It just sounds like you have already decided your child, who isn't even a year old, is on a path much like the one you have already travelled, and I do think that's a little dicey of an outlook. Maybe I'm wrong and as your child gets older, you will naturally broaden your expectations for her as you see what kind of person she is. But are you prepared to find out what kind of person she is independent of the vision you have for her? If she has different desires or priorities, will you be able to recognize that or will your own desires and priorities for her get in the way?

+1 I can’t say I relate to this at all but we all so funny things op so that’s ok, but I think considering what this poster is saying is important. There is so much about who your daughter will be that you don’t know yet, better to be careful not to come up with too many preconceived ideas. One thing I read when my kids were very young was that we should think of ourselves more like gardeners to our kids - they will be whatever flower they are already are, our job is to water that particular flower and help it thrive but we don’t get to choose what flower it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is creepy but it checks out since you are an active church-goer.

Are you also from the South/flyover?

Okay just stop. I am an atheist, POC from the northeast, totally do this for my two boys (1yo and 3yo), they are adorable wit their Little friends.

Some things are sweet and harmless. You sound joyless and also intolerant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't do this because I always want to stay open to the many possible futures for my kid, and they may or may not involve marriage or kids. I think what you're doing seems harmless now because you are just imagining, but if all you ever do is imagine your DDs future in terms of a future husband, I do think ultimately that could be limiting. And could make it harder for you to accept if your child's life takes them in a direction that doesn't lead straight to that kind of marriage/life, and it could also result in subliminal pressure on her even if you think you are being careful not to impose explicit pressure.

Do you ever contemplate what kind of woman she would marry?

Do you ever contemplate that she might postpone marriage until after she finishes her PhD?

Do you ever contemplate that she might not marry at all, and the things she might do instead that could still be worthwhile and fulfilling for her?

It just sounds like you have already decided your child, who isn't even a year old, is on a path much like the one you have already travelled, and I do think that's a little dicey of an outlook. Maybe I'm wrong and as your child gets older, you will naturally broaden your expectations for her as you see what kind of person she is. But are you prepared to find out what kind of person she is independent of the vision you have for her? If she has different desires or priorities, will you be able to recognize that or will your own desires and priorities for her get in the way?

+1 I can’t say I relate to this at all but we all so funny things op so that’s ok, but I think considering what this poster is saying is important. There is so much about who your daughter will be that you don’t know yet, better to be careful not to come up with too many preconceived ideas. One thing I read when my kids were very young was that we should think of ourselves more like gardeners to our kids - they will be whatever flower they are already are, our job is to water that particular flower and help it thrive but we don’t get to choose what flower it is

It's okay to have some mainstream expectations for your kids and encourage them.

I am educated, had kids late, all that jazz. I want my own kids to get married and have kids. If they don't, fine. But it's fine to raise them with some notions of moving toward goals like education, career, family

[Anonymous]

Many of my parents’ friends wanted me as a DIL.

I have a daughter now and two sons. While there are plenty of girls who seem pretty and nice enough for my sons, I have not yet thought at any moment that a boy was good enough for my daughter.

[Anonymous]

How do you even know your child will be straight?

This is so weird to me. Enjoy your baby. let them be a child before you start worrying about their relationship future.

[Anonymous]

This is insane. Maybe your daughter will be gay. Maybe your daughter won't want to get married. Maybe her values in men will be different than hers.

Also if your child is less than a year then these friends' kids are probably four years old and younger - you have NO WAY of knowing which will turn out to have a heroin addiction, gambling addiction, anger management issues, become a cheater, be so spoiled by their parents that they contribute nothing, etc.

[Anonymous]

People uninterested in prospective spouses of their children are the weird ones, historically speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is insane. Maybe your daughter will be gay. Maybe your daughter won't want to get married. Maybe her values in men will be different than hers.

Also if your child is less than a year then these friends' kids are probably four years old and younger - you have NO WAY of knowing which will turn out to have a heroin addiction, gambling addiction, anger management issues, become a cheater, be so spoiled by their parents that they contribute nothing, etc.

lol I think op is as pretty clear it was a silly daydream. I don’t think she’s booked a venue for the reception yet!

[Anonymous]

This is soooo weird.