Annoyed with a friend and need to take a step back-tell her or just do it?

[Anonymous]

I’m finding myself increasingly annoyed with this friend for tons of reasons, but she hasn’t done anything intentionally unkind to me and she’s not a bad person.

We have a long established pattern of frequent communication and I need it to cut back by about 95% for at least several months, starting now.

Do I tell my friend the things she’s doing that are bothering me? Make up something about being busy? Or do I just kind of respond slowly and indecisively and cut the communication back over time (this is what I’ve been trying to do but I keep getting drawn back in to the old pattern so I’m not sure it works well for me).

I really need a break from her but I’d like to keep the friendship, just at a much greater distance than before. I certainly don’t want to make an enemy of her or create bad feelings, but I’m feeling very drained/irritated by this friendship and definitely need a break.

[Anonymous]

Just white lie. You're entering a busy period at work, you have some personal things going on that you need to focus on, you're cutting back on technology for the next few months, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just white lie. You're entering a busy period at work, you have some personal things going on that you need to focus on, you're cutting back on technology for the next few months, whatever.

Op here. Ooooh! I really like the cutting back on technology one!! Thank you!!

[Anonymous]

What is the pattern? Like constant texting back and forth or are you meeting in person a lot?

If it's a texting thing, mute your text conversation with her so that you only see it when you check your phone -- no alerts. Then respond when you want, even if hours or days later. You can say "sorry, just seeing this now! trying to stay off my phone during the day." It's not a lie, it's just not as specific as the whole truth (that you are trying to stay off the phone with her). I do this with a number of people/groups I text with because they like to text back and forth constantly and I find it too distracting most of the time. If I happen to have some spare time, I'll do a back and forth with someone on text, but during working hours or when I'm with my family, I mostly avoid texting.

If you are getting sucked into meeting up in person, you need to be firmer about your "no". How does she override it, exactly? Or is it that she's inviting you to things that sound enticing but then you go and remember you need a break from her. Either way, this is about you, not her. Just say no! Decide on the frequency that you want to see her and then YOU invite HER. Tell her your schedule is making one off meetups hard, can we schedule drinks every 6 weeks or so for a catchup? Whatever works for you. Assert yourself and see how she responds. It sounds like you are letting her set the agenda for your friendship and then getting annoyed when it doesn't' meet your need.

Boundaries are something you set for yourself. You aren't holding your own boundaries. She's going to do whatever she's going to do, you need to learn to set limits for yourself. She's not holding you hostage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the pattern? Like constant texting back and forth or are you meeting in person a lot?

If it's a texting thing, mute your text conversation with her so that you only see it when you check your phone -- no alerts. Then respond when you want, even if hours or days later. You can say "sorry, just seeing this now! trying to stay off my phone during the day." It's not a lie, it's just not as specific as the whole truth (that you are trying to stay off the phone with her). I do this with a number of people/groups I text with because they like to text back and forth constantly and I find it too distracting most of the time. If I happen to have some spare time, I'll do a back and forth with someone on text, but during working hours or when I'm with my family, I mostly avoid texting.

If you are getting sucked into meeting up in person, you need to be firmer about your "no". How does she override it, exactly? Or is it that she's inviting you to things that sound enticing but then you go and remember you need a break from her. Either way, this is about you, not her. Just say no! Decide on the frequency that you want to see her and then YOU invite HER. Tell her your schedule is making one off meetups hard, can we schedule drinks every 6 weeks or so for a catchup? Whatever works for you. Assert yourself and see how she responds. It sounds like you are letting her set the agenda for your friendship and then getting annoyed when it doesn't' meet your need.

Boundaries are something you set for yourself. You aren't holding your own boundaries. She's going to do whatever she's going to do, you need to learn to set limits for yourself. She's not holding you hostage.

Op here. She lives far away now. We communicate using video and voice memos on things like Marco Polo or voice memos on iPhone. The thing is, I LOVE this method of communicating because I have small children and usually do not have both hands and eyes free, but I CAN listen to a message or talk to her asynchronously while I make dinner or do laundry, etc. We leave messages like this for each other daily.

I’m 100% responsible for continuing to engage-I’m not trying to imply that’s her fault. I’ve just found myself realizing how much this friendship doesn’t work for me, and I resolve to step back, then she sends me a bunch of messages over several days and I end up struggling to resist the urge to listen/respond. Part of the problem is this method of communication is so great for me but none of my other friends will do it!

I think muting the conversation and telling her that I’m trying to spend less time on my phone should do the trick if I hold firm for a couple of weeks.

The things that annoy me about her are not that she keeps engaging/communicating with me (I haven’t asked her to stop), it’s just an overall feeling of her being a taker/user. We also, I’m realizing, have very different world views to the point where it feels like we exist on different planes of reality and I’m looking for friendships where I feel connected. I’m realizing I just kinda don’t relate to her anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you want to keep the friendship? From your last post, it doesn’t sound like you value her as a friend anymore - which is fine, these things happen. I’d much rather someone cut me out or slow fade me than pretend to keep up a friendship they really didn’t want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you want to keep the friendship? From your last post, it doesn’t sound like you value her as a friend anymore - which is fine, these things happen. I’d much rather someone cut me out or slow fade me than pretend to keep up a friendship they really didn’t want.

Op here. I guess I’ve mostly regretted actually ending a friendship every time I’ve done it. She’s not my enemy, I just can’t be close to her now. I’d like to leave room for things to change in the future. I also don’t want to hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Ok, so I’m just venting here to avoid blowing up at my friend. Here’s some examples:

-she doesn’t really respond to my messages or acknowledge the things going on in MY life. 95% of our communication is about her-her talking about her thoughts/ideas/problems, and me responding. But when I talk about my life she just responds in a limited way, if at all.

-she’s deep into the law of attraction and life coaching stuff and truly believes that our thoughts can impact our physical surroundings.

-she doesn’t work or have kids. This actually used to be fun for me-I enjoyed hearing about her crazy/interesting life, her travel, her love affairs, the amazing food she has time to eat and prepare, etc. It was kind of like escapism from me and reminded me of the chapter when we lived near each other overseas in our 20s. Over time though, it kind of depresses me when my life is so monotonous and hard and especially since she shows no interest in my life now.

-she asks me for help with things like her resume or finding a job, and I provide help (review resume/send jobs that she’s qualified for). She doesn’t take my advice, but wants to keep talking about the problem and these totally pie in the sky solutions. When I try to gently/lovingly guide her back to reality, she gets annoyed with me.

-on the rare occasions she listens to what’s going on in my life, she often points out how my negative thinking attracted the problems I’m encountering.

-I have young kids, one with severe SN, and she recommends things like diet/supplements to cure her from her incurable disabilities. She also keeps wanting to blame this horrible winter of horrible viruses on our diet. She even sends me woo/new agey kinds of books about how diet cures all illness.

Gah. See what I mean? She’s not bad intentioned but we just are not a fit for each other right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok, so I’m just venting here to avoid blowing up at my friend. Here’s some examples:

-she doesn’t really respond to my messages or acknowledge the things going on in MY life. 95% of our communication is about her-her talking about her thoughts/ideas/problems, and me responding. But when I talk about my life she just responds in a limited way, if at all.

-she’s deep into the law of attraction and life coaching stuff and truly believes that our thoughts can impact our physical surroundings.

-she doesn’t work or have kids. This actually used to be fun for me-I enjoyed hearing about her crazy/interesting life, her travel, her love affairs, the amazing food she has time to eat and prepare, etc. It was kind of like escapism from me and reminded me of the chapter when we lived near each other overseas in our 20s. Over time though, it kind of depresses me when my life is so monotonous and hard and especially since she shows no interest in my life now.

-she asks me for help with things like her resume or finding a job, and I provide help (review resume/send jobs that she’s qualified for). She doesn’t take my advice, but wants to keep talking about the problem and these totally pie in the sky solutions. When I try to gently/lovingly guide her back to reality, she gets annoyed with me.

-on the rare occasions she listens to what’s going on in my life, she often points out how my negative thinking attracted the problems I’m encountering.

-I have young kids, one with severe SN, and she recommends things like diet/supplements to cure her from her incurable disabilities. She also keeps wanting to blame this horrible winter of horrible viruses on our diet. She even sends me woo/new agey kinds of books about how diet cures all illness.

Gah. See what I mean? She’s not bad intentioned but we just are not a fit for each other right now.

OP, I absolutely understand where you're coming from -- you don't want to hurt her feelings and she's not evil or anything, just kind of selfish and not someone it's beneficial for you to communicate with right now. I think the technology break idea is a good one.

I might be projecting here, but I think the hardest part with the friendships is that you're in a lonely place right now (young kids, SN, friends who can't use your preferred communication platform/aren't around when/how you want social interaction) and it's scary to ditch the one person who at least seems to want to talk to you even though they're not actually listening to you. I think you'll find something better for your mental health to fill the void when you step back, be it another friend or hobby or just more positive time with your own brain.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen with a very dear friend and I just started to slow my response time to texts, didn't pick up the phone every time she called and it just eventually slowed to texts on Birthdays and christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok, so I’m just venting here to avoid blowing up at my friend. Here’s some examples:

-she doesn’t really respond to my messages or acknowledge the things going on in MY life. 95% of our communication is about her-her talking about her thoughts/ideas/problems, and me responding. But when I talk about my life she just responds in a limited way, if at all.

-she’s deep into the law of attraction and life coaching stuff and truly believes that our thoughts can impact our physical surroundings.

-she doesn’t work or have kids. This actually used to be fun for me-I enjoyed hearing about her crazy/interesting life, her travel, her love affairs, the amazing food she has time to eat and prepare, etc. It was kind of like escapism from me and reminded me of the chapter when we lived near each other overseas in our 20s. Over time though, it kind of depresses me when my life is so monotonous and hard and especially since she shows no interest in my life now.

-she asks me for help with things like her resume or finding a job, and I provide help (review resume/send jobs that she’s qualified for). She doesn’t take my advice, but wants to keep talking about the problem and these totally pie in the sky solutions. When I try to gently/lovingly guide her back to reality, she gets annoyed with me.

-on the rare occasions she listens to what’s going on in my life, she often points out how my negative thinking attracted the problems I’m encountering.

-I have young kids, one with severe SN, and she recommends things like diet/supplements to cure her from her incurable disabilities. She also keeps wanting to blame this horrible winter of horrible viruses on our diet. She even sends me woo/new agey kinds of books about how diet cures all illness.

Gah. See what I mean? She’s not bad intentioned but we just are not a fit for each other right now.

OP, I absolutely understand where you're coming from -- you don't want to hurt her feelings and she's not evil or anything, just kind of selfish and not someone it's beneficial for you to communicate with right now. I think the technology break idea is a good one.

I might be projecting here, but I think the hardest part with the friendships is that you're in a lonely place right now (young kids, SN, friends who can't use your preferred communication platform/aren't around when/how you want social interaction) and it's scary to ditch the one person who at least seems to want to talk to you even though they're not actually listening to you. I think you'll find something better for your mental health to fill the void when you step back, be it another friend or hobby or just more positive time with your own brain.

Op here. Thank you. You’re right. I am kind of lonely and blue which is part of why this has gone on for so long, but I think it will be better to create some space in my life by taking a step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this happen with a very dear friend and I just started to slow my response time to texts, didn't pick up the phone every time she called and it just eventually slowed to texts on Birthdays and christmas.

Op here. That’s the goal! No big talk, no argument, no angry/sad/bad feelings, just kind of focusing on other priorities and relationships for awhile. I just feel bad when I see her messages piling up but I need to respond more slowly.

[Anonymous]

this is just rude. You have to be honest with her and give her a chance to change. Or do the things you need. You are being a mean girl if you just ditch her or mute her without explaining. How many threads are on here where people don’t know why their friend ditched them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is just rude. You have to be honest with her and give her a chance to change. Or do the things you need. You are being a mean girl if you just ditch her or mute her without explaining. How many threads are on here where people don’t know why their friend ditched them.

Op here. I can’t think how to talk about this in a way that’s not hurtful though. I could say it feels too one sided but can’t see that going over well. The stuff about our differing world views/place in life feels impossible to change.

[Anonymous]

She sounds quite needy, OP. My sense is that when you do your “technology break” (which I agree is fantastic advice) she won’t be able to handle the absence of your listening ear, and will find your replacement pretty quickly.

Right now, you seem to be her life coach. I completely understand why you want to back away from the friendship.