Annoyed with a friend and need to take a step back-tell her or just do it?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t ghost her or anything. That’s hurtful since it sounds like you have been friends for some time. I think the telling her that you are going through some things and are taking a step back from technology/texting etc. And then try to reset the tone of your friendship with occasional catch ups etc. So more of a fade but giving her a sort of made up reason to why. I think friendships change over time and that is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok, so I’m just venting here to avoid blowing up at my friend. Here’s some examples:

-she doesn’t really respond to my messages or acknowledge the things going on in MY life. 95% of our communication is about her-her talking about her thoughts/ideas/problems, and me responding. But when I talk about my life she just responds in a limited way, if at all.

-she’s deep into the law of attraction and life coaching stuff and truly believes that our thoughts can impact our physical surroundings.

-she doesn’t work or have kids. This actually used to be fun for me-I enjoyed hearing about her crazy/interesting life, her travel, her love affairs, the amazing food she has time to eat and prepare, etc. It was kind of like escapism from me and reminded me of the chapter when we lived near each other overseas in our 20s. Over time though, it kind of depresses me when my life is so monotonous and hard and especially since she shows no interest in my life now.

-she asks me for help with things like her resume or finding a job, and I provide help (review resume/send jobs that she’s qualified for). She doesn’t take my advice, but wants to keep talking about the problem and these totally pie in the sky solutions. When I try to gently/lovingly guide her back to reality, she gets annoyed with me.

-on the rare occasions she listens to what’s going on in my life, she often points out how my negative thinking attracted the problems I’m encountering.

-I have young kids, one with severe SN, and she recommends things like diet/supplements to cure her from her incurable disabilities. She also keeps wanting to blame this horrible winter of horrible viruses on our diet. She even sends me woo/new agey kinds of books about how diet cures all illness.

Gah. See what I mean? She’s not bad intentioned but we just are not a fit for each other right now.

I think taking a break is a good idea. You two seem really similar. You give each other advice and you both ignore each others advice (I wonder if she is rolling her eyes at your resume suggestions as you roll your eyes at her new age suggestion). You might find you are just too different. You might find you miss her. I would suggest that your choice of communication may be what is leading to you both to misread each other. Sometimes it is hard to know when we are helping people and when we are annoying people via text / and other tech.

Do tell her something. Perhaps be slow to respond and say you are busy/stressed and your doctor suggested you take technology breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you want to keep the friendship? From your last post, it doesn’t sound like you value her as a friend anymore - which is fine, these things happen. I’d much rather someone cut me out or slow fade me than pretend to keep up a friendship they really didn’t want.

Op here. I guess I’ve mostly regretted actually ending a friendship every time I’ve done it. She’s not my enemy, I just can’t be close to her now. I’d like to leave room for things to change in the future. I also don’t want to hurt feelings.

You want to cut 95% of your time with her. I can guarantee that she will have hurt feelings as she’s an extrovert who thrives on your conversations, and your free time to listen to her on a whim. It will be a shock to her to go from easily accessible to almost nothing. Don’t feel bad for feeling overwhelmed at this time in your life ( everyone goes through a period like that) and she’s draining your energy. I have a friends like this that I enjoy, but in small
doses. Just be honest and say you don’t have as much time anymore with your small children to chit chat so freely and just slow pull back.

[Anonymous]

It will blow up in your face if you confront her with any kind of personal critique. Don't do it. Don't ghost her either.

Maybe you're starting an MA study program that takes up your free time / zoom time in the days soon and you won't be able to catch up with her so often? Forewarn her and then back off.

[Anonymous]

Slow fade with realistic reasons - work is busy, kids taking up time, big volunteer commitment sucking up your time, home needs requiring your attention, phone trouble. Give yourself a schedule with her by answering only every third message, then every fifth or so until she slows down. Throw in some of your own stuff since you say she doesn’t respond to that. She’ll likely find another outlet if she needs attention that badly. Bonus is you’ll be able to manage your relationship with her without conversation being all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So my friend has reached out multiple times today, asking “what’s wrong?? Where are you??”

Ugh. I’m not responding so far. This is hard.

I’m also just embarrassed about how long this friendship went on when it was so not working for me for so long. I also just feel silly. Like I’ve invested so much time in this relationship and in the end my friend is just not someone I’m able to be close to or get much in return from.

Friendship heartaches are the worst

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So my friend has reached out multiple times today, asking “what’s wrong?? Where are you??”

Ugh. I’m not responding so far. This is hard.

I’m also just embarrassed about how long this friendship went on when it was so not working for me for so long. I also just feel silly. Like I’ve invested so much time in this relationship and in the end my friend is just not someone I’m able to be close to or get much in return from.

Friendship heartaches are the worst

So you get back to her at end of day/tomorrow and say something "Just seeing all your messages. All good but I'm taking a tech break/got tied up with other stuff/etc. What's new? Everything OK?"

[Anonymous]

OMG! Grow the heck up and tell her how you really feel.

[Anonymous]

Are all the “I’m taking a Tech Break!” people < 30 yrs old? Is this a TikTok thing that gets repeated so often you begin to think that it sounds believable?

Because as a GenX er - and nobody’s cynical bull$h!t detector is stronger than a GenX er — “I’m taking a Break From Tech” is such obvious nonsense. The updated version of “oh it’s not _you_, it’s _me_.”

Therefore, insulting on multiple levels.

But if all thr 26 yr olds really do believe this stuff, like Dry January and “clean” makeup, maybe the Tech Hiatus excuse really will work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are all the “I’m taking a Tech Break!” people < 30 yrs old? Is this a TikTok thing that gets repeated so often you begin to think that it sounds believable?

Because as a GenX er - and nobody’s cynical bull$h!t detector is stronger than a GenX er — “I’m taking a Break From Tech” is such obvious nonsense. The updated version of “oh it’s not _you_, it’s _me_.”

Therefore, insulting on multiple levels.

But if all thr 26 yr olds really do believe this stuff, like Dry January and “clean” makeup, maybe the Tech Hiatus excuse really will work

Op here. My friend and I are both older millenials.

I interpret a “tech break” to mean someone is intentionally spending less time on their phone/social media. Not that they are giving up all technology. And yes, this is VERY MUCH a thing and I think a very good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG! Grow the heck up and tell her how you really feel.

Op here. And say what? That I think she’s taking more than she’s giving? That I don’t wanna hear anymore woo BS? I don’t want to tear down her world view, but I do think it’s total BS.

And afterwards what, we just have bad feelings and stop talking for good? That’s not a good outcome either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG! Grow the heck up and tell her how you really feel.

Op here. And say what? That I think she’s taking more than she’s giving? That I don’t wanna hear anymore woo BS? I don’t want to tear down her world view, but I do think it’s total BS.

And afterwards what, we just have bad feelings and stop talking for good? That’s not a good outcome either

You’re actions are very hurtful. Just tell her the truth. Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So my friend has reached out multiple times today, asking “what’s wrong?? Where are you??”

Ugh. I’m not responding so far. This is hard.

I’m also just embarrassed about how long this friendship went on when it was so not working for me for so long. I also just feel silly. Like I’ve invested so much time in this relationship and in the end my friend is just not someone I’m able to be close to or get much in return from.

Friendship heartaches are the worst

So you get back to her at end of day/tomorrow and say something "Just seeing all your messages. All good but I'm taking a tech break/got tied up with other stuff/etc. What's new? Everything OK?"

Sorry - this makes no sense. Just say “I’m just not that into you anymore.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are all the “I’m taking a Tech Break!” people < 30 yrs old? Is this a TikTok thing that gets repeated so often you begin to think that it sounds believable?

Because as a GenX er - and nobody’s cynical bull$h!t detector is stronger than a GenX er — “I’m taking a Break From Tech” is such obvious nonsense. The updated version of “oh it’s not _you_, it’s _me_.”

Therefore, insulting on multiple levels.

But if all thr 26 yr olds really do believe this stuff, like Dry January and “clean” makeup, maybe the Tech Hiatus excuse really will work

Op here. My friend and I are both older millenials.

I interpret a “tech break” to mean someone is intentionally spending less time on their phone/social media. Not that they are giving up all technology. And yes, this is VERY MUCH a thing and I think a very good one.

If you say so, but deleting IG and TikTok to break the compulsive scrolling habit is not in the same bucket as shutting down a friendship.

I can delete all the apps during my “tech break” and still maintain strong friendships by using my mouth and ears and eyeballs (no tech).

You’re essentially saying friendship = smartphone. Is that what you really mean to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are all the “I’m taking a Tech Break!” people < 30 yrs old? Is this a TikTok thing that gets repeated so often you begin to think that it sounds believable?

Because as a GenX er - and nobody’s cynical bull$h!t detector is stronger than a GenX er — “I’m taking a Break From Tech” is such obvious nonsense. The updated version of “oh it’s not _you_, it’s _me_.”

Therefore, insulting on multiple levels.

But if all thr 26 yr olds really do believe this stuff, like Dry January and “clean” makeup, maybe the Tech Hiatus excuse really will work

Op here. My friend and I are both older millenials.

I interpret a “tech break” to mean someone is intentionally spending less time on their phone/social media. Not that they are giving up all technology. And yes, this is VERY MUCH a thing and I think a very good one.

If you say so, but deleting IG and TikTok to break the compulsive scrolling habit is not in the same bucket as shutting down a friendship.

I can delete all the apps during my “tech break” and still maintain strong friendships by using my mouth and ears and eyeballs (no tech).

You’re essentially saying friendship = smartphone. Is that what you really mean to say?

Op here. She lives in a different country from me right now so seeing each other face to face is not an option.

But yes, I’ve had friends take a break from texting along with social media.