Anyone dealt with favoritism as a child or adult child? How to overcome hurt?
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Anonymous
| Anyone dealt with favoritism as a child? How to deal with the scarring of either being the favorite or the unfavorite? |
Anonymous
| We had this with my in-laws for my spouse and our children being the non-favorite. We tried at first to set up a monthly Sunday dinner to create a connection, but were rebuked. We thought they liked "feeling needed" (by the other sibling) so asked for help with care a few times (so they'd spend time with our kids even if we still got no time). That didn't work either. Eventually they told us flat out that the other family is their priority. At that point - we just took the hit and had to move on emotionally. It had been going on for 6 years and to be honest, I appreciated knowing where we stood - even though it was a pretty awful thing to say to your child/grandchildren, it helped us step back and stop trying to create/maintain a bond-level that they were never interested in having. |
Anonymous
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I was the favorite. I needed therapy to help me be okay with doing things that aroused negative feelings in others. It was a bumpy transition and it still pains me to make others feel bad.
My siblings resented me for being the favorite, but not too bad and I never felt or acted superior to them. So I didn’t need to do any sort of “healing” regarding sibling relationships. |
Anonymous
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My parents played favorites a lot and for a long time my sister was their favorite. Honestly, it doesn't bother me that much because I think there are big downsides to being the favorite. I read a really interesting book that resonate with my family experience (it's call Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and I recommend it) and one thing she talks about in the book is how favorites, or "golden children" are often enmeshed with their parents in unhealthy ways. That definitely describes how my parents are/were with my sister. My mom, I think, was envious of her and was trying to impress her. My dad, I believe, viewed her as a reflection of his best qualities and didn't always think of herself as her own person.
In the end they had a falling out and I think my sister realized that in some ways being the favorite was limiting (I also think she likes to ignore the ways it has benefited her, like in terms of how much financial help and other support my parents have given her that they did not offer the rest of us). But interestingly, my parents have tried to replace her as favorite with me. I think they are having a hard time without that dynamic and so much defined themselves by their relationship with her and her family that they don't know what to do now. But I live far away and just choose not to participate. Sometimes they'll try to gossip with me about my siblings and I just decline to do so or I'll gently defend my siblings and then change the subject. That book I mentioned above, and therapy, have taught me that the answer for a lot of these issues with parents is to learn to detach from their behavior so that you no longer see their actions as a reflection of your worthiness. It's normal to see your parents behavior towards you as a reflection of whether you are a "good" or "bad" kid because that's what we are often taught as children (especially in dysfunctional homes where favoritism is common). But it's not true. I was not my parents' favorite but I'm a worthwhile person deserving of love and attention. So is everyone who isn't a favorite. |
Anonymous
| Is this a parenting question or a family relationships one? My dad definitely has always shown a preference for my sister. My sister says my mom has always shown a preference for me and one of our brothers. It did hurt for a long time and came up frequently. I think my dad makes an effort now, and I haven’t thought about it in a long time. I also went to therapy in my early twenties where this came up among other things related to feelings of inadequacy. |
Anonymous
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My mother in law had clear preferences. Oldest daughter her favorite (she gave her her same name), middle daughter next favorite, my husband the dud. I wish I had a good happy ending to tell you. The result has been a lifetime of my husband forever trying to please her and gain her acceptance. To say, she can do no wrong in his eyes and he will never criticize her, because he is forever trying to get and stay in her good graces. It is exhausting and has extended to our kids. I have no relationship with her because of it.
She openly talks about the money she has set aside for namesake daughter's child. Silence on our kids. |
Anonymous
How old is he? It can take a long time to realize what is going on. Keep in mind he was indoctrinated as a child and those are some of the hardest things to unlearn. |
Anonymous
41. He isn't changing. He is willfully blind to it. He has actually told me that he chooses "not to dwell" on the fact that she is a horrible person. Because if he spent too much time thinking about it, he would be a miserable person. I never should have married him, tbh. Its a super f-d up dynamic. |
Anonymous
DP here. Yes! This is very true - DH is the "least favorite" because he was thought of as (however arbitrary, MIL usually is nonsensical and quite random in her choices) "needing the least help". SIL was seen as "most like MIL" and MIL and SIL are undeniably enmeshed and codependent. SIL is seen as (perhaps rightfully so, but who is to say what is nature and what is nurture, at this far point in time) as being the "most in need". SIL's children seem to be the only grandchildren that matter, followed by the other SIL's children - and lastly DH and my children. MIL and SIL are almost identical, in every way, physically, and mentally (both have extreme depression and anxiety). It is NOT a healthy place to be, so if you are not the favorite - be thankful, a thousand times over! |
Anonymous
Other PP here. Same. Eventually, DH saw the light (on his own, no one could "make" him see what is right in front of his eyes, continually) - he grew tired of being disrespected by his own family. He saw how inconsiderate, judgmental, rude and selfish they are, on the regular. They have to see it for themselves, on their own time. |
Anonymous
Yes, MIL definitely regards men as not being in need of help. Compounded by her being divorced, so she is rather anti-men in general. That sentiment happily extends to her ex husband and her son, my DH. |
Anonymous
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Not my family, but MIL has always favored my wife's younger sister. It's still a sore spot. DW still tries to please her mom but still feels like she can do nothing right. We're worried that is going to extend to favoritism towards SIL's soon-to-be born child over our own.
FIL clearly favored my wife over the younger sister, and I think that has been very hurtful to the sister as well. Neither are close to him anymore as parents divorced and he got a new younger family and he said very hurtful things to DW about our family (essentially our son not really being hers). |
Anonymous
| I was not the favorite. Everyone agreed (including me) that even the dog was liked better than I was. I don't feel scarred by it. |
Anonymous
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My parents set it up like the Hunger Games with the four of us competing for time and resources. Then they picked their favorite two and tilted the game in their favor while pretending it was fair. They go on and on about how successful their two favorites are and how proud they are, even when they are less successful overall.
It was a giant mind f*ck for a kid who has been trying to earn their parent's praise and acceptance their whole life, only to finally be successful as an adult and then treated like you're still not good enough to be loved. In my case the president of my university asked my parents to dinner during graduation weekend to tell my parents how impressive I was and that they should be proud. (I was getting the top award at graduation and had worked with him closely as student body president). My father responded by telling him about how my younger brother was more impressive. This is from a father who had refused to help pay for my college "because we have to save resources for your younger siblings" so I had found scholarships and worked three jobs all of undergrad to even attend. It's often the gaslighting that's so mind-blowing. It's hard to separate their label of you (the difficult one, the problem) from reality. If parents or your siblings do something awful and unfair to you and you object, then you are the difficult one. So then you are treated like sh*t (which everyone acts like it's totally fine and fair) and you have no option but to accept the treatment or else you're difficult and the problem in the family once again. It would probably be easier if my siblings would acknowledge the favoritism, but they wholly deny it and are convinced that everything is and was fair They deserve any extras they've received because they're superior humans, and I'm a less deserving human because I'm the problem. |
Anonymous
Wow! I know exactly what you mean, as I was the scapegoat in my family too. My parents are long gone and I am extremely low contact with my siblings, who still consider me to be messed up. Spoiler: I'm the only sibling who isn't a problem drinker. Our definitions of messed up are incongruous. |