Reply to Anyone dealt with favoritism as a child or adult child? How to overcome hurt?

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[quote=Anonymous]My parents played favorites a lot and for a long time my sister was their favorite. Honestly, it doesn't bother me that much because I think there are big downsides to being the favorite. I read a really interesting book that resonate with my family experience (it's call [I]Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents[/I] and I recommend it) and one thing she talks about in the book is how favorites, or "golden children" are often enmeshed with their parents in unhealthy ways. That definitely describes how my parents are/were with my sister. My mom, I think, was envious of her and was trying to impress her. My dad, I believe, viewed her as a reflection of his best qualities and didn't always think of herself as her own person.

In the end they had a falling out and I think my sister realized that in some ways being the favorite was limiting (I also think she likes to ignore the ways it has benefited her, like in terms of how much financial help and other support my parents have given her that they did not offer the rest of us).

But interestingly, my parents have tried to replace her as favorite with me. I think they are having a hard time without that dynamic and so much defined themselves by their relationship with her and her family that they don't know what to do now. But I live far away and just choose not to participate. Sometimes they'll try to gossip with me about my siblings and I just decline to do so or I'll gently defend my siblings and then change the subject.

That book I mentioned above, and therapy, have taught me that the answer for a lot of these issues with parents is to learn to detach from their behavior so that you no longer see their actions as a reflection of your worthiness. It's normal to see your parents behavior towards you as a reflection of whether you are a "good" or "bad" kid because that's what we are often taught as children (especially in dysfunctional homes where favoritism is common). But it's not true. I was not my parents' favorite but I'm a worthwhile person deserving of love and attention. So is everyone who isn't a favorite.[/quote]

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