Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host

[Anonymous]

Is this a new trend? I’ve noticed that when I host a dinner party or a holiday dinner, people are showing up with not just hostess gifts, but big-deal food contributions like appetizers or desserts that are frankly annoying to work into my menu and the flow of food preparation in my kitchen. I’m not talking about a tin of cookies or a container of roasted nuts, I’m talking about unexpected appetizers that require oven time, or huge fruit platters that I now have to find a place for. On several occasions, I’ve had to stop what I was doing in the kitchen or stop enjoying my cocktail to deal with putting something in the oven, or even finding a platter or serving utensils for the unexpected food.

In one case, someone brought the ingredients for an elaborate hot alcoholic beverage that involved her asking for a burner, a Dutch oven, and tons of time to heat it up and “mull it in time for dessert.” Never mind that I already had a full bar set up, beer/wine chilled, plenty of non-alcoholic beverages, and a different special cocktail all set up. My oven and stovetop were in use, so I had to move things around and get things for her, and the whole production really soured me on the rest of the night.

I think it’s rude to show up with something that isn’t either easy for the host to set aside if they don’t want to serve it right then, or that can’t be very easily set out with no effort from the host. Another thing that ticks me off is that I’ve spoken to all my dinner party guests about food restrictions, allergies, etc., and I’ve assured everyone that the meal will be nut-free or that X, Y and Z are gluten free, for example. So now I have this mystery food to deal with and I don’t know if everyone can even eat it, and people naturally come to me with questions as the host.

Is there a polite way when issuing an invitation to let people know that I don’t want them to bring anything? If someone mentions something specific and it would work well for my guests and for the rest of the menu, I’d probably say yes. But no one asks, they just show up with essentially a chore for me.

Nothing wrong with a good potluck—I don’t host them typically, but have in the past, and there are a few “signature events” in my neighborhood that are potlucks, like block parties and longstanding holiday parties. Then, of course, it’s perfectly fine and encouraged to bring dishes of all sorts to share.

[Anonymous]

You need to think about improving communication with your guests before the event. I am sure it is usually the same 2-3 people who bring unsolicited food to events. You need to tell them beforehand that you do not want any food contribution.

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to think about improving communication with your guests before the event. I am sure it is usually the same 2-3 people who bring unsolicited food to events. You need to tell them beforehand that you do not want any food contribution.

Problem solved.

That’s the funny thing—it’s really not the same people. And stranger still, it’s people who have been coming over for years, who (I promise you) suddenly start bringing things. Now that I think about it, maybe they are bringing it out of guilt for me hosting more frequently? I don’t mind this at all. We like having people over and definitely missed entertaining during COVID.

I guess I will have to say flat-out beforehand not to bring food. It’s just weird that all of a sudden, people started bringing not your typical hostess gift of a bottle of wine or chocolates, but fussy appetizers that require time in the oven. -OP

[Anonymous]

Maybe just appreciate their intentions even if they interfere with your plan.

[Anonymous]

In one case, someone brought the ingredients for an elaborate hot alcoholic beverage that involved her asking for a burner, a Dutch oven, and tons of time to heat it up and “mull it in time for dessert.” Never mind that I already had a full bar set up, beer/wine chilled, plenty of non-alcoholic beverages, and a different special cocktail all set up. My oven and stovetop were in use, so I had to move things around and get things for her, and the whole production really soured me on the rest of the night.

“I’m sorry, Sally, but I can’t accommodate this. My stove is already full, and I had no idea you were planning this. You can store the items here. Let me get you a drink so you can sit down.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just appreciate their intentions even if they interfere with your plan.

Yes! Just appreciate the gesture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just appreciate their intentions even if they interfere with your plan.

I appreciate good intentions, but no, I don’t “appreciate” being given a huge chore, especially when I have lots going on in the kitchen and it is timed for certain things to come out at certain times, at the right temperature. I appreciate small things that I can either choose to set aside for later or set out now, but in the case of one guest who brought a hot dip that needed oven time *and expected to chop vegetables in my kitchen for it,* that really was a lot to have to wash a cutting board that was in use, find a knife, give her counter space, move things around in the oven, etc. I’m just surprised that more people don’t think that through and how that is burdensome to a host, but maybe they just don’t host a lot. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just appreciate their intentions even if they interfere with your plan.

I appreciate good intentions, but no, I don’t “appreciate” being given a huge chore, especially when I have lots going on in the kitchen and it is timed for certain things to come out at certain times, at the right temperature. I appreciate small things that I can either choose to set aside for later or set out now, but in the case of one guest who brought a hot dip that needed oven time *and expected to chop vegetables in my kitchen for it,* that really was a lot to have to wash a cutting board that was in use, find a knife, give her counter space, move things around in the oven, etc. I’m just surprised that more people don’t think that through and how that is burdensome to a host, but maybe they just don’t host a lot. -OP

Team OP. It's really incredible what people are bringing to your dinner parties. Invite me! I'm not a great cook and promise I won't bring anything other than a hostess gift, if that.

[Anonymous]

This is why I always ask "what can I bring?" And if they say a dessert or bread or salad, I bring whatever they ask. And if they say nothing I'll bring a bottle of wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I always ask "what can I bring?" And if they say a dessert or bread or salad, I bring whatever they ask. And if they say nothing I'll bring a bottle of wine.

And no I don't expect them to open it that night.

[Anonymous]

People have forgotten how to be good guests and good hosts during the pandemic. People got bored and were getting recipe ideas off of Instagram. Or they only throw potlucks and don’t get that the vibe of a dinner party is totally different.

At this point, you do just need to tell them ahead of time that you’ve got a full menu that you’ve worked out with guests with allergies and food restrictions, so please just bring yourselves. What’s missing is the guest side of communication…they should have been asking you before they brought anything that required oven time or kitchen equipment…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have forgotten how to be good guests and good hosts during the pandemic. People got bored and were getting recipe ideas off of Instagram. Or they only throw potlucks and don’t get that the vibe of a dinner party is totally different.

At this point, you do just need to tell them ahead of time that you’ve got a full menu that you’ve worked out with guests with allergies and food restrictions, so please just bring yourselves. What’s missing is the guest side of communication…they should have been asking you before they brought anything that required oven time or kitchen equipment…

This. And yes, it really is okay to stop someone in their tracks from setting up in your kitchen. Be firm and friendly as you say something like, “I had no idea. I’m not set up for another cook in here.” Make sure your spouse is aware so they can help move the person along and out of your kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I always ask "what can I bring?" And if they say a dessert or bread or salad, I bring whatever they ask. And if they say nothing I'll bring a bottle of wine.

Same I just bring wine or a box of candy if I’m not sure whether they drink wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I always ask "what can I bring?" And if they say a dessert or bread or salad, I bring whatever they ask. And if they say nothing I'll bring a bottle of wine.

+1 For a close friend I might specify something I want to contribute (eg “I want to bring pie; what kind would you like?”) but I think planning to bring anything (even if requested/preplanned) that requires significant use of the host’s kitchen is inconvenient for everyone. Team OP.

[Anonymous]

Even if it’s a potluck, you shouldn’t bring an elaborate setup requiring a stove, a cook, and Dutch oven.