Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just appreciate their intentions even if they interfere with your plan.

The gesture of imposing on your host so you can show off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.

I am part of a friend group where "certain people" are allowed to contribute, but then it becomes awkward to be part of the other group who doesn't bring anything, so slowly everyone brings something. Either it is a dinner party or a potluck, please decide which.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way I can imagine this is if the party was hosted by someone my husband knew and when I asked if we were supposed to bring something he answer without actually having checked with them. He doesn’t cook and just has no clue so he sometimes gives me bad information about these things. I could sort of see him giving me the false iidea that it’s a potluck because he doesn’t know what a potluck is. I think I once brought some home made cookies to a BBQ that turned out to be a totally catered affair.

Probably not the OP's issue but this gave me a laugh because I've been "that guest" for exactly this reason. I've stopped asking "what can I bring" in all cases except one set of elderly in-laws who can't really take on full hosting duties but still like having people over.

[Anonymous]

They don''t have good manners.

It is as simple as that.

It takes a simple Google search to find that this is impolite.

(BUT, knowing that you have such people in your circle, it would be pretty easy to avoid at the invitation stage.)

[Anonymous]

I do always ask ahead if I can bring a course (like dessert or an appetizer). But I do not like when the host assigns me ONE specific food to make, that I may not like and may have never attempted before.

Is that polite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do always ask ahead if I can bring a course (like dessert or an appetizer). But I do not like when the host assigns me ONE specific food to make, that I may not like and may have never attempted before.

Is that polite?

I mean, if you ask "can I bring anything," you take the assignment you are given.

[Anonymous]

OP - I can totally relate - at my last dinner party we received a "regifted" half frozen dessert item someone wanted to get rid of and a filling meal-like appetizer we really didn't need. In both cases I thanked them of course, but get it OP - and our guests do not...but that's okay. ;0

[Anonymous]

I once set up a fancy tea party, Alice in Wonderland style, with beautiful tea set and china and flowers and berries, and a guest brought a bag of Oreos, pulled open the top, and set them still in the plastic wrapping right in the middle of the table in between the the tiered dessert tray with petit fours and cupcakes that I took forever to frost fancily and the tea sandwiches. I'm not normally fancy, but the party was in honor of the relative who had passed along her tea set to me and was a fastidious host. The dumped Oreos made me clutch my pearls for her.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I’m a bit fed up with people just bringing over any food they want to when asked for dinner and you haven’t asked them to bring anything… and spent time and thought making a lovely dinner for all.
I’ve decided that I think the best thing is to ask people over for dinner, and do nothing 🤩 except prepare the table, and because everyone just brings ‘stuff’ to eat just put it all mixed up on the table and off you go! Sounds perfect, no more cooking for me!

[Anonymous]

It's not a "new trend." It is common. But yeah, very rude.

Last Thanksgiving my sister showed up with glazed carrots and my SIL showed up with a cheap grocery store chocolate cake (I already had a cake from Heidelberg along with a homemade apple pie). Very annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once set up a fancy tea party, Alice in Wonderland style, with beautiful tea set and china and flowers and berries, and a guest brought a bag of Oreos, pulled open the top, and set them still in the plastic wrapping right in the middle of the table in between the the tiered dessert tray with petit fours and cupcakes that I took forever to frost fancily and the tea sandwiches. I'm not normally fancy, but the party was in honor of the relative who had passed along her tea set to me and was a fastidious host. The dumped Oreos made me clutch my pearls for her.

OMG this infuriates me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once set up a fancy tea party, Alice in Wonderland style, with beautiful tea set and china and flowers and berries, and a guest brought a bag of Oreos, pulled open the top, and set them still in the plastic wrapping right in the middle of the table in between the the tiered dessert tray with petit fours and cupcakes that I took forever to frost fancily and the tea sandwiches. I'm not normally fancy, but the party was in honor of the relative who had passed along her tea set to me and was a fastidious host. The dumped Oreos made me clutch my pearls for her.

OMG this infuriates me.

I would have taken them to the kitchen and left them there. Or if I were feeling benevolent, plated them prettily and included them on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I’m a bit fed up with people just bringing over any food they want to when asked for dinner and you haven’t asked them to bring anything… and spent time and thought making a lovely dinner for all.
I’ve decided that I think the best thing is to ask people over for dinner, and do nothing 🤩 except prepare the table, and because everyone just brings ‘stuff’ to eat just put it all mixed up on the table and off you go! Sounds perfect, no more cooking for me!

You're in charge. If it's pretty terrible, just say
"Oh marge how nice of you. I'm going to pop this in the back"
Then forget about it. And send it home with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. I host a lot (like a few times per week) and I have learned with certain guests to assign them an item that won’t mess with my plans. It’s laughable how some people bring a “salad” but actually just bring ingredients and want to make the whole thing at my house! WHY!? When I am asked to bring a salad, I cut everything up at home, put it in baggies, make the dressing in a small mason jar, stick it all on top of the lettuce in the bowl, add my salad forks….then I just have to toss it together right before it is eaten. No mess, no more space than the bowl otherwise takes on the table.

This. If I bring something, but it's always brought fully prepped/cooked and ready to serve (including serving utensils).

I've posted before about my BIL who will disrupt Thanksgiving by bringing the raw ingredients for some complicated appetizer that requires chopping, assembling and cooking -- in the middle of making Thanksgiving dinner. We've tried to shut him down, but without success. So we just live with it.

Why not include him and his dish in the planning? You seem to be the only person on this board who has ever known a man who cooks or helps with meals and you want to shut him down?

[Anonymous]

I often bring something because there are a lot of foods I can’t eat. I bring enough for the party but if the host seems like they will be annoyed, I will just leave it in a bag, and find ways to discreetly eat some before or after dinner or on the way home so that I am not hungry all evening.