Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host

[Anonymous]

This doesn't happen at our parties. But we tend to throw more open house, catered, bartender parties. Maybe a dinner party invites a guest to get helpfully creative? Sorry, can't help you. You have weird guests.

[Anonymous]

Guests should definitely ask first if they want to bring something more elaborate or substantial. I’m surprised that the posters on here talking about good intentions don’t seem to realize how much work it takes to host a dinner party and have things timed out, etc.

But now that you know is a consistent problem, the language above essentially blaming it on allergies and food restrictions is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I always ask "what can I bring?" And if they say a dessert or bread or salad, I bring whatever they ask. And if they say nothing I'll bring a bottle of wine.

+1 For a close friend I might specify something I want to contribute (eg “I want to bring pie; what kind would you like?”) but I think planning to bring anything (even if requested/preplanned) that requires significant use of the host’s kitchen is inconvenient for everyone. Team OP.

Even the language of “I want to bring a pie; what kind would you like” is extremely presumptuous. For all you know, they are most excited about the special dessert they are going to serve that night, or maybe they are sick of pie after the holidays. Try, “Would it be OK if I brought a pie, or anything else that would be helpful?” Do not state you want to do something and then act like giving them the choice of flavor is some gracious concession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't happen at our parties. But we tend to throw more open house, catered, bartender parties. Maybe a dinner party invites a guest to get helpfully creative? Sorry, can't help you. You have weird guests.

Oh wow, you throw catered, bartender parties? It is indeed so amazing that you would descend down here to be admittedly unhelpful to this particular OP about this particular issue because You Fancy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't happen at our parties. But we tend to throw more open house, catered, bartender parties. Maybe a dinner party invites a guest to get helpfully creative? Sorry, can't help you. You have weird guests.

Pardon me sir, but would your caterer have any grey poupon?

[Anonymous]

Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them when you invite. Say “just bring yourselves, honestly!” or ask people to bring something specific like wine.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I host a lot (like a few times per week) and I have learned with certain guests to assign them an item that won’t mess with my plans. It’s laughable how some people bring a “salad” but actually just bring ingredients and want to make the whole thing at my house! WHY!? When I am asked to bring a salad, I cut everything up at home, put it in baggies, make the dressing in a small mason jar, stick it all on top of the lettuce in the bowl, add my salad forks….then I just have to toss it together right before it is eaten. No mess, no more space than the bowl otherwise takes on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.

You have the right attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. I host a lot (like a few times per week) and I have learned with certain guests to assign them an item that won’t mess with my plans. It’s laughable how some people bring a “salad” but actually just bring ingredients and want to make the whole thing at my house! WHY!? When I am asked to bring a salad, I cut everything up at home, put it in baggies, make the dressing in a small mason jar, stick it all on top of the lettuce in the bowl, add my salad forks….then I just have to toss it together right before it is eaten. No mess, no more space than the bowl otherwise takes on the table.

Yes I went to a party where a guest wanted to bring a salad and showed up with bags of unwashed produce and made a huge mess. She even brought a whole pomegranate that needed the kernels picked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.

You have the right attitude.

+1

[Anonymous]

The number one rule of being a good guest is to not create unnecessary inconvenience for the host. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The number one rule of being a good guest is to not create unnecessary inconvenience for the host. Period.

+100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. I host a lot (like a few times per week) and I have learned with certain guests to assign them an item that won’t mess with my plans. It’s laughable how some people bring a “salad” but actually just bring ingredients and want to make the whole thing at my house! WHY!? When I am asked to bring a salad, I cut everything up at home, put it in baggies, make the dressing in a small mason jar, stick it all on top of the lettuce in the bowl, add my salad forks….then I just have to toss it together right before it is eaten. No mess, no more space than the bowl otherwise takes on the table.

This. If I bring something, but it's always brought fully prepped/cooked and ready to serve (including serving utensils).

I've posted before about my BIL who will disrupt Thanksgiving by bringing the raw ingredients for some complicated appetizer that requires chopping, assembling and cooking -- in the middle of making Thanksgiving dinner. We've tried to shut him down, but without success. So we just live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just appreciate their intentions even if they interfere with your plan.

I appreciate good intentions, but no, I don’t “appreciate” being given a huge chore, especially when I have lots going on in the kitchen and it is timed for certain things to come out at certain times, at the right temperature. I appreciate small things that I can either choose to set aside for later or set out now, but in the case of one guest who brought a hot dip that needed oven time *and expected to chop vegetables in my kitchen for it,* that really was a lot to have to wash a cutting board that was in use, find a knife, give her counter space, move things around in the oven, etc. I’m just surprised that more people don’t think that through and how that is burdensome to a host, but maybe they just don’t host a lot. -OP

Team OP. It's really incredible what people are bringing to your dinner parties. Invite me! I'm not a great cook and promise I won't bring anything other than a hostess gift, if that.

+1 It drives me insane when guests do this because I spend a lot of time and effort putting together a menu and.it can't really throw things off. Also I end up having too much food and having to throw a lot put at the end of the night. Most adult dinner parties don't need 2-3 desserts for example so if you have a beautiful cake prepared and someone brings their very elaborate pastry alot gets wasted at the end of the night.