Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to think about improving communication with your guests before the event. I am sure it is usually the same 2-3 people who bring unsolicited food to events. You need to tell them beforehand that you do not want any food contribution.

Problem solved.

That’s the funny thing—it’s really not the same people. And stranger still, it’s people who have been coming over for years, who (I promise you) suddenly start bringing things. Now that I think about it, maybe they are bringing it out of guilt for me hosting more frequently? I don’t mind this at all. We like having people over and definitely missed entertaining during COVID.

I guess I will have to say flat-out beforehand not to bring food. It’s just weird that all of a sudden, people started bringing not your typical hostess gift of a bottle of wine or chocolates, but fussy appetizers that require time in the oven. -OP

It's not guilt. They probably see that the other people are doing it and bringing apps and desserts and then feel like they should because they assume that's the way you do these things and you expect it. So this is why YOU really need to just set things straight with everyone, otherwise people will keep assuming this is the expectation. And in the future you know to nip this sort of thing in the bud before it spreads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often bring something because there are a lot of foods I can’t eat. I bring enough for the party but if the host seems like they will be annoyed, I will just leave it in a bag, and find ways to discreetly eat some before or after dinner or on the way home so that I am not hungry all evening.

As a nut allergy parent, I get it, but even my 7yo and 9yo know that we *eat beforehand* if we’re not sure what types of food will be served at a gathering. That way, my girls can eat a bit of what they can eat, but if there’s not much, they don’t go hungry.

And yes, I ask if I can bring anything. And if I’m told to bring “just yourselves,” I respect that, and I don’t roll up with food in a “discreet bag.”

I always bring a host/hostess gift, but it is not something to set out, it is for the hosts to enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you're a bad cook, OP, and people want to eat well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just appreciate their intentions even if they interfere with your plan.

I appreciate good intentions, but no, I don’t “appreciate” being given a huge chore, especially when I have lots going on in the kitchen and it is timed for certain things to come out at certain times, at the right temperature. I appreciate small things that I can either choose to set aside for later or set out now, but in the case of one guest who brought a hot dip that needed oven time *and expected to chop vegetables in my kitchen for it,* that really was a lot to have to wash a cutting board that was in use, find a knife, give her counter space, move things around in the oven, etc. I’m just surprised that more people don’t think that through and how that is burdensome to a host, but maybe they just don’t host a lot. -OP

Team OP. It's really incredible what people are bringing to your dinner parties. Invite me! I'm not a great cook and promise I won't bring anything other than a hostess gift, if that.

+1 It drives me insane when guests do this because I spend a lot of time and effort putting together a menu and.it can't really throw things off. Also I end up having too much food and having to throw a lot put at the end of the night. Most adult dinner parties don't need 2-3 desserts for example so if you have a beautiful cake prepared and someone brings their very elaborate pastry alot gets wasted at the end of the night.

I agree. There’s also a level of “I’m trying to take over your party.” Like, if your host made a beautiful cake as mentioned above, the pastry is now competing for compliments and attention. The host now feels obligated to serve it, and the guests feel obligated to try both. If you want to host and serve your favorite appetizers or dessert or beverage, host your own dinner party, or wait for a potluck. Or ASK your hosts ahead of time.

+1 I’ve been in several situations where people just decide to bring a dessert and there’s so much waste! It drives me crazy. It sounds like a nice problem to have but when there’s practically an entire cake or pie for each guest it’s just wasteful.

[Anonymous]

Don’t bring something you think I’m going to serve at the party, because I won’t serve it at the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In one case, someone brought the ingredients for an elaborate hot alcoholic beverage that involved her asking for a burner, a Dutch oven, and tons of time to heat it up and “mull it in time for dessert.” Never mind that I already had a full bar set up, beer/wine chilled, plenty of non-alcoholic beverages, and a different special cocktail all set up. My oven and stovetop were in use, so I had to move things around and get things for her, and the whole production really soured me on the rest of the night.

“I’m sorry, Sally, but I can’t accommodate this. My stove is already full, and I had no idea you were planning this. You can store the items here. Let me get you a drink so you can sit down.”

I dealt with this situation where a guest wanted me to manage cooking something that required work and space and I cut them off at the knees and told them I had neither the time nor the space so they could enjoy their contribution at their own home. I was stressed about hosting that time because of things I had going on at work and it was a power move by her to stress me out more. She liked to act like everything was easy and a breeze and she would always do things to make situations harder for others. It was a power trip and I learned not to allow people to pull that at my parties.

If it was something easy to manage, I'd have no problem if they manage it. A friend also showed up wanting me to make a specialty drink. She expected me to prepare it. It involved cleaning and cutting fruit and mixing various things. I told her sure, sat her stuff in the kitchen and ignored it the entire get together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Also, if you like to bring flowers, stick them in a cheap vase with water and bring them ready to put on a counter. Don’t make your hostess root about for vases and clippers.

Amen. This is my pet peeve.

[Anonymous]

I have an empty fridge in the basement. When someone brings food that I did not ask for and cannot use as is (or did not want to serve)...I just keep it in the basement fridge.

Then, either it is divvied up for others to take back as leftovers, dumped in the trash, taken to office, sent to my neighbors, used for another get together or sent back with the gift giver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you're a bad cook, OP, and people want to eat well.

If this is the case, they should just decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also, if you like to bring flowers, stick them in a cheap vase with water and bring them ready to put on a counter. Don’t make your hostess root about for vases and clippers.

Amen. This is my pet peeve.

Oh, this is always so awkward. I love flowers, but I don't want to have to arrange them unexpectedly when I have other stuff to do to get ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often bring something because there are a lot of foods I can’t eat. I bring enough for the party but if the host seems like they will be annoyed, I will just leave it in a bag, and find ways to discreetly eat some before or after dinner or on the way home so that I am not hungry all evening.

As a nut allergy parent, I get it, but even my 7yo and 9yo know that we *eat beforehand* if we’re not sure what types of food will be served at a gathering. That way, my girls can eat a bit of what they can eat, but if there’s not much, they don’t go hungry.

And yes, I ask if I can bring anything. And if I’m told to bring “just yourselves,” I respect that, and I don’t roll up with food in a “discreet bag.”

I always bring a host/hostess gift, but it is not something to set out, it is for the hosts to enjoy.

Evening dinner parties can go for hours. I am not at an age where I am prepared to go hungry or not eat for the sake of appearances. I will bring food and eat it if need be - away from the guests if it turns out to be formal and I can tell the host won’t want any extra food. Sorry, my life isn’t about keeping up appearances. If I am enjoying an evening out and dinner and having alcohol, I am going to eat something more than a salad or the one item that maybe I can eat. I am not going to starve myself to save the feelings of an overly sensitive host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often bring something because there are a lot of foods I can’t eat. I bring enough for the party but if the host seems like they will be annoyed, I will just leave it in a bag, and find ways to discreetly eat some before or after dinner or on the way home so that I am not hungry all evening.

As a nut allergy parent, I get it, but even my 7yo and 9yo know that we *eat beforehand* if we’re not sure what types of food will be served at a gathering. That way, my girls can eat a bit of what they can eat, but if there’s not much, they don’t go hungry.

And yes, I ask if I can bring anything. And if I’m told to bring “just yourselves,” I respect that, and I don’t roll up with food in a “discreet bag.”

I always bring a host/hostess gift, but it is not something to set out, it is for the hosts to enjoy.

Evening dinner parties can go for hours. I am not at an age where I am prepared to go hungry or not eat for the sake of appearances. I will bring food and eat it if need be - away from the guests if it turns out to be formal and I can tell the host won’t want any extra food. Sorry, my life isn’t about keeping up appearances. If I am enjoying an evening out and dinner and having alcohol, I am going to eat something more than a salad or the one item that maybe I can eat. I am not going to starve myself to save the feelings of an overly sensitive host.

You can’t go “hours” without food even if you’ve eaten first? Huh. Hmm.