what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up

[Anonymous]

I am at wits end with my oldest daughter. She's almost 19 and refuses to get a job. We told her she has a free place to stay as long as she's in school and are paying for her classes. She registered for 12 credits last semester but dropped 5 after the drop date (so she has a W on her transcript and there was no refund). I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now. Other than food and allowing her to use our car to get back and forth to classes we don't give her anything. She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.

Everything is all or nothing with her. She'll get a job when she graduates with her veterinary degree because she doesn't want any other job besides being a vet. I seriously doubt she'll even get into vet school with her lackadaisical attitude about classes. Taking 7 credits at a time will take 9 years just to finish a bachelor's degree and vet school is VERY COMPETITIVE.

I have no idea why she's this way. She grew up watching me work full time and go to grad school (I took 6 years to get my second masters because I was working full time and had two kids). She was raised by parents with good work ethics and she's had working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work. Her sister OTOH can't wait for independence. At 16 she's working and saving to buy a car and mad at us that we won't let her buy one before she's 18. It's like my kids were born on different planets. One has dug her heels in and refuses to grow up while the other is well on her way out the door at 16.

Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.

Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old. I'm furious that she's only taking 7 credits and not looking for work. A friend of the family who does temporary placements offered to place her in a job but she refused saying she wants to do it on her own but she doesn't do anything.

The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?

[Anonymous]

Does she know how to get a job? Does she have any particular skills?

[Anonymous]

Do you guys live in the South? What are her high school friends doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am at wits end with my oldest daughter. She's almost 19 and refuses to get a job. We told her she has a free place to stay as long as she's in school and are paying for her classes. She registered for 12 credits last semester but dropped 5 after the drop date (so she has a W on her transcript and there was no refund). I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now. Other than food and allowing her to use our car to get back and forth to classes we don't give her anything. She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.

Everything is all or nothing with her. She'll get a job when she graduates with her veterinary degree because she doesn't want any other job besides being a vet. I seriously doubt she'll even get into vet school with her lackadaisical attitude about classes. Taking 7 credits at a time will take 9 years just to finish a bachelor's degree and vet school is VERY COMPETITIVE.

I have no idea why she's this way. She grew up watching me work full time and go to grad school (I took 6 years to get my second masters because I was working full time and had two kids). She was raised by parents with good work ethics and she's had working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work. Her sister OTOH can't wait for independence. At 16 she's working and saving to buy a car and mad at us that we won't let her buy one before she's 18. It's like my kids were born on different planets. One has dug her heels in and refuses to grow up while the other is well on her way out the door at 16.

Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.

Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old. I'm furious that she's only taking 7 credits and not looking for work. A friend of the family who does temporary placements offered to place her in a job but she refused saying she wants to do it on her own but she doesn't do anything.

The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?

Did you write the Shower Dude essay? Same style as here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you guys live in the South? What are her high school friends doing?

What does that have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Its time to give her a deadline to either move out or start contributing financially and do some meaningful activity (not just get a handout from boyfriend and laze around all day).

I would be specific and tell her she needs to be out of the house for at least 30 (or however many hours a week) at school or work and that as of Feb 1st, she needs to pay 200 a month (or whatever number) towards her living expenses.

You need to treat her like an adult with adult responsibilities. If she doesn't like whatever adult conditions you put in place, she can move out.

[Anonymous]

No more free place to live. Are you paying for her cell phone? Stop.

[Anonymous]

Would she consider getting her vet tech degree at community college as a stepping stone toward being a vet?

[Anonymous]

Take the car and give her a bus pass. Keep what you give her basic. No special treats or food. No nice accommodations in your house. Unless she’s depressed or has mental health issues, you’re probably going to have to be hard core to move her along. You could even rent her a room in a house for six months and move her out. At the end of the six months she sinks or swims.

[Anonymous]

Did she ever get jobs before? I am insisting on summer jobs starting at 15 (it’s already in place for June)?

[Anonymous]

Tell her that rent is only free if she is carrying a full course load of classes for the entire semester. If she drops classes, she has to pay you back for them (if that's an issue) or start paying rent.

My parents paid all my bills in college and I did not have to work. I feel like I had it pretty cushy in college and if my parents told me to get a job I would have 100% gotten a job. I can't even imagine saying "I haven't worked before so no".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you guys live in the South? What are her high school friends doing?

What does that have to do with anything?

Didn't you know that aimless young adults ONLY exist in the south?

[Anonymous]

The only friend she has is the boyfriend. She's always been a loaner and always had just one friend at a time when she has friends. One of my problems is a lack of leverage other than a place to live and I'm not ready to kick her out onto the street just yet. I may get there but I'm not there yet.

When we told her we wouldn't pay for her cell phone anymore, she and her boyfriend got their own plan that he pays for. When we stopped buying her clothes, he started buying her clothes. If we don't put gas in the car, he does. Though she is losing the keys to the car if she's not working and not in school. That won't really impact her though as she only goes to school and places with her boyfriend. It's not like she wants to run around with girlfriends like her sister. I would have a ton of leverage over dd#2 in a situation like this.

While I like her boyfriend, I need him to go away for a year and leave her on her own. She hasn't had to do without because we won't pay for things because he's always there to fix it.

[Anonymous]

She needs to get a rich boyfriend who will marry her & support her for the rest of her life. This is done all the time by practical women who don't want to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only friend she has is the boyfriend. She's always been a loaner and always had just one friend at a time when she has friends. One of my problems is a lack of leverage other than a place to live and I'm not ready to kick her out onto the street just yet. I may get there but I'm not there yet.

When we told her we wouldn't pay for her cell phone anymore, she and her boyfriend got their own plan that he pays for. When we stopped buying her clothes, he started buying her clothes. If we don't put gas in the car, he does. Though she is losing the keys to the car if she's not working and not in school. That won't really impact her though as she only goes to school and places with her boyfriend. It's not like she wants to run around with girlfriends like her sister. I would have a ton of leverage over dd#2 in a situation like this.

While I like her boyfriend, I need him to go away for a year and leave her on her own. She hasn't had to do without because we won't pay for things because he's always there to fix it.

Does she have undiagnosed autism? I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that she has some issues that should have been addressed when she was younger but were not.

If you kick her out and make her homeless, be aware that there's a high probability she'll be addicted to drugs eventually and will probably end up in sex work. An 18 year old woman living on the streets is almost certain to become a sex worker. Assuming she survives and becomes a functional adult, she's almost certainly never going to want anything to do with you when she's older if you do this.