what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only friend she has is the boyfriend. She's always been a loaner and always had just one friend at a time when she has friends. One of my problems is a lack of leverage other than a place to live and I'm not ready to kick her out onto the street just yet. I may get there but I'm not there yet.

When we told her we wouldn't pay for her cell phone anymore, she and her boyfriend got their own plan that he pays for. When we stopped buying her clothes, he started buying her clothes. If we don't put gas in the car, he does. Though she is losing the keys to the car if she's not working and not in school. That won't really impact her though as she only goes to school and places with her boyfriend. It's not like she wants to run around with girlfriends like her sister. I would have a ton of leverage over dd#2 in a situation like this.

While I like her boyfriend, I need him to go away for a year and leave her on her own. She hasn't had to do without because we won't pay for things because he's always there to fix it.

Great! If he loves her, he can marry her. Her working or not working (or attending college or not attending college) can be a marital issue, not a mommy-daughter issue. Some husbands like to provide. Let it be.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Old thread but here’s the deal:

1) no bedroom or alone time with BF at your house. No sleep over. No closed door. Basically make sex not possible in the house. They may do it at BF house but you could reach out to his parents to make same rules. They may try car sex and risk arrest and sex offender status as adults (make sure she understands that). This will cool BF on her or make him step up and get a job and his own place.

2) she should join the army. They have a vet program for caring for dogs and horses, it’s still competitive but clearly her best shot.

https://www.goarmy.com/careers-and-jobs/career-match/science-medicine/general-care/68t-animal-care-specialist.html

[Anonymous]

Encourage her to volunteer at an animal shelter or work/intern for a veterinarian or at local zoo.

If you've close family in another state or country, buy her ticket to go live with them for a month. She needs to see things and do experiments to find her inspiration to build a life of her own.

If BF is reasonable, talk to him to encourage her to get a degree and some life skills. Even if she decides to become a SAHM, she needs education and intellect to run her family and household.

[Anonymous]

Does she have undiagnosed ADHD/ADD?

[Anonymous]

She will never earn a veterinary degree.
At 25, 3 children with different fathers, working Wal-mart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will never earn a veterinary degree.
At 25, 3 children with different fathers, working Wal-mart.

My cousin was like OP’s DD at that age (actually dropped out of HS, then got a GED) and became a physician’s assistant at age 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old thread but here’s the deal:

1) no bedroom or alone time with BF at your house. No sleep over. No closed door. Basically make sex not possible in the house. They may do it at BF house but you could reach out to his parents to make same rules. They may try car sex and risk arrest and sex offender status as adults (make sure she understands that). This will cool BF on her or make him step up and get a job and his own place.

2) she should join the army. They have a vet program for caring for dogs and horses, it’s still competitive but clearly her best shot.

https://www.goarmy.com/careers-and-jobs/career-match/science-medicine/general-care/68t-animal-care-specialist.html

This is a horrible idea. Very few of these folks end up caring for animals. They could also end up as vet techs which could entail caring for animals during scientific studies. That can involve euthanizing a bunch of animals which is highly traumatic for someone who loves animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old thread but here’s the deal:

1) no bedroom or alone time with BF at your house. No sleep over. No closed door. Basically make sex not possible in the house. They may do it at BF house but you could reach out to his parents to make same rules. They may try car sex and risk arrest and sex offender status as adults (make sure she understands that). This will cool BF on her or make him step up and get a job and his own place.

2) she should join the army. They have a vet program for caring for dogs and horses, it’s still competitive but clearly her best shot.

https://www.goarmy.com/careers-and-jobs/career-match/science-medicine/general-care/68t-animal-care-specialist.html

This is a horrible idea. Very few of these folks end up caring for animals. They could also end up as vet techs which could entail caring for animals during scientific studies. That can involve euthanizing a bunch of animals which is highly traumatic for someone who loves animals.

[Anonymous]

She should be AWAY at college. Not college nearby, living with you. You pay for room and board at a college AWAY. If she fails out of college (officially- the university says so) it's on her to find somewhere she can afford to live, doing whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No more free place to live. Are you paying for her cell phone? Stop.

This.

If she doesn’t have any mental disorders or disabilities she needs to go live with roommates, pay rent, pay utilities, etc.

Maybe I’d allow one gap year but that would be for my adhd child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should be AWAY at college. Not college nearby, living with you. You pay for room and board at a college AWAY. If she fails out of college (officially- the university says so) it's on her to find somewhere she can afford to live, doing whatever.

Not everyone can afford that, and that’s hardly “independence” if mommy & daddy are paying the whole way.

[Anonymous]

You lost her many years ago. She drifts and grifts through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should be AWAY at college. Not college nearby, living with you. You pay for room and board at a college AWAY. If she fails out of college (officially- the university says so) it's on her to find somewhere she can afford to live, doing whatever.

Doesn’t sound like OP’s daughter is fit for that.