what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am at wits end with my oldest daughter. She's almost 19 and refuses to get a job. We told her she has a free place to stay as long as she's in school and are paying for her classes. She registered for 12 credits last semester but dropped 5 after the drop date (so she has a W on her transcript and there was no refund). I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now. Other than food and allowing her to use our car to get back and forth to classes we don't give her anything. She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.

Everything is all or nothing with her. She'll get a job when she graduates with her veterinary degree because she doesn't want any other job besides being a vet. I seriously doubt she'll even get into vet school with her lackadaisical attitude about classes. Taking 7 credits at a time will take 9 years just to finish a bachelor's degree and vet school is VERY COMPETITIVE.

I have no idea why she's this way. She grew up watching me work full time and go to grad school (I took 6 years to get my second masters because I was working full time and had two kids). She was raised by parents with good work ethics and she's had working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work. Her sister OTOH can't wait for independence. At 16 she's working and saving to buy a car and mad at us that we won't let her buy one before she's 18. It's like my kids were born on different planets. One has dug her heels in and refuses to grow up while the other is well on her way out the door at 16.

Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.

Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old. I'm furious that she's only taking 7 credits and not looking for work. A friend of the family who does temporary placements offered to place her in a job but she refused saying she wants to do it on her own but she doesn't do anything.

The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?

Why did you let her move in with her boyfriend’s family? That is odd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am at wits end with my oldest daughter. She's almost 19 and refuses to get a job. We told her she has a free place to stay as long as she's in school and are paying for her classes. She registered for 12 credits last semester but dropped 5 after the drop date (so she has a W on her transcript and there was no refund). I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now. Other than food and allowing her to use our car to get back and forth to classes we don't give her anything. She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.

Everything is all or nothing with her. She'll get a job when she graduates with her veterinary degree because she doesn't want any other job besides being a vet. I seriously doubt she'll even get into vet school with her lackadaisical attitude about classes. Taking 7 credits at a time will take 9 years just to finish a bachelor's degree and vet school is VERY COMPETITIVE.

I have no idea why she's this way. She grew up watching me work full time and go to grad school (I took 6 years to get my second masters because I was working full time and had two kids). She was raised by parents with good work ethics and she's had working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work. Her sister OTOH can't wait for independence. At 16 she's working and saving to buy a car and mad at us that we won't let her buy one before she's 18. It's like my kids were born on different planets. One has dug her heels in and refuses to grow up while the other is well on her way out the door at 16.

Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.

Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old. I'm furious that she's only taking 7 credits and not looking for work. A friend of the family who does temporary placements offered to place her in a job but she refused saying she wants to do it on her own but she doesn't do anything.

The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?

Why did you let her move in with her boyfriend’s family? That is odd

Where would you think she was going to go? That's the only second option she has. She's an adult.

[Anonymous]

Do incentives work for her? My oldest DD doesn’t care about consequences, but will do things for incentives.

Like if you offered to give her a small “bonus” if she is able to stay enrolled and pass all her classes, or maybe letting her do something she has been asking to do? If she likes immediate gratification, it could be something small every week - what things does she want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her that rent is only free if she is carrying a full course load of classes for the entire semester. If she drops classes, she has to pay you back for them (if that's an issue) or start paying rent.

My parents paid all my bills in college and I did not have to work. I feel like I had it pretty cushy in college and if my parents told me to get a job I would have 100% gotten a job. I can't even imagine saying "I haven't worked before so no".

+1 We've told our teens -- we will support you as long as you are a full time student. Absent that, you will need to get a job and pay rent.

I did get a job in college. DC 17 yr old has had a job since 16, and fully expects to work while in college. 15 yr old can't wait to get a job.

Give her that ultimatum. FT student or get a job. Give her six months. If she hasn't found anything and not registered as a FT student, cut off cell phone and car access.

Does she use the car alot? Or is it just from home to school? If she uses it for other purposes, you need to tell her she cannot use the car for any other purpose.

Ask her what would happen if she and her bf broke up? Who would support her?

"A man is not a plan.. at any age". -- mantra I tell my DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do incentives work for her? My oldest DD doesn’t care about consequences, but will do things for incentives.

Like if you offered to give her a small “bonus” if she is able to stay enrolled and pass all her classes, or maybe letting her do something she has been asking to do? If she likes immediate gratification, it could be something small every week - what things does she want?

Don't giver her an incentive. FFS. She's 19, not 9. She needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Next time she is out with the boyfriend, put her stuff outside in the yard and change the locks. Time for her to grow the f up and for you to stop coddling her.

[Anonymous]

She's not going to become a vet.
She probably won't graduate from college.
It's time to imagine a different future for her -- and as others have said, it's time for her to live somewhere other than your house.
She is a legal adult. You don't owe her anything but love. She will make some bad decisions. Let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not going to become a vet.
She probably won't graduate from college.
It's time to imagine a different future for her -- and as others have said, it's time for her to live somewhere other than your house.
She is a legal adult. You don't owe her anything but love. She will make some bad decisions. Let her.

Agree with the bolded. OP really take that in and understand where you are.

There are kids in great undergrad colleges working their butts off doing a pre-vet curriculum who won't make it. Your completely aimless DD has no chance. That's where you are.

[Anonymous]

When you talked about her upbringing, you only discussed yourself. Maybe reflect there.

[Anonymous]

Get together with the bf's parents and plan to kick them both out. I am sure those parents feel the same. Or that she is dragging him around in a leash. Tough Love. Sometimes, they only learn this way. Sometimes, it still takes some people a whole decade to understand that they need to be independent.

[Anonymous]

People do well when they can. She's not spinning her wheels and dropping classes because she wants to. My guess is an undiagnosed learning disability/ADHD or mental health issues. What was she like as a high schooler?

[Anonymous]

I think that you need to work with a family therapist on this. You should go first with your husband, then bring her along, and the boyfriend, too, if the therapist agrees. No matter what, you need to discuss this with a therapist. You may have to bribe her to get there, or maybe you can frame it as YOU needing help, not her as the problem. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Pay for nothing except her birth control of choice.

[Anonymous]

Agree she’s very very unlikely to become a vet. Maybe a vet tech or a vet receptionist. Time to recalibrate.

The BF thing is concerning. She has NO other friends? He buys her whatever she needs? Sounds like you may be contributing to setting up a controlling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only friend she has is the boyfriend. She's always been a loaner and always had just one friend at a time when she has friends. One of my problems is a lack of leverage other than a place to live and I'm not ready to kick her out onto the street just yet. I may get there but I'm not there yet.

When we told her we wouldn't pay for her cell phone anymore, she and her boyfriend got their own plan that he pays for. When we stopped buying her clothes, he started buying her clothes. If we don't put gas in the car, he does. Though she is losing the keys to the car if she's not working and not in school. That won't really impact her though as she only goes to school and places with her boyfriend. It's not like she wants to run around with girlfriends like her sister. I would have a ton of leverage over dd#2 in a situation like this.

While I like her boyfriend, I need him to go away for a year and leave her on her own. She hasn't had to do without because we won't pay for things because he's always there to fix it.

I'm sorry but since her boyfriend is willing to take on all this responsibility for her wellbeing, why doesn't she move in with him?

I think your husband is right. It's time to put her out.