Parenting Course for Emotional Toddler - and any thoughts on preferential parenting
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Anonymous
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I never thought I'd be this person and I'd really appreciate feedback from people who have perhaps heard feedback on or done these courses themselves, not people that are going to shame me for trying one... I am interested in participating in an online parenting course, along with my husband. I've heard good things about Big Little feelings and Dr. Becky. I follow both their instagrams as well...
We have a 22 month old and we're having a really hard time with him. I know this is normal at this age, but for me, it helps to be over-informed and try and create somewhat of a "plan" instead of flailing, which is kinda what is happening now. DH works biglaw and is extremely busy, he grew up in a family where there was no discipline. He experienced consequence for the first time when he got kicked out of college at 20 after "three strikes," and then turned his life around at that point - entirely on his own. My parents disciplined me appropriately, and while they were strict, they were not abusive and I appreciate their approach in retrospect. He is showing extreme preferential treatment to my husband (who like I mentioned is very rarely around). Over Christmas and more time at home the last couple of weeks with the three of us, he has grown attached to my husband to the point of hitting and kicking when I come close to him. While it was just kind of a casual preference over the last few months, it's really grown to a fever pitch and neither of us know what to do. We don't have tempers with our child, nor do we get mad, but it's just sad and hard for me to experience this from my son when I've really been the one that's done 90% of the parenting these last couple of years. My husband has no model for discipline, and is nothing like his parents, but wants to do a course together. I agree this would be helpful to us, if anything, so we can get on the same page and make a plan. Currently, I am the one who disciplines "more" but when my husband and I disagree on something like a stern voice vs no stern voice, it continues to make me look like the bad guy and my son rejects me even more in favor of DH. Would also love to hear feedback on anything who's experienced major preferential treatment within their family (particularly being the rejected parent...) and how you dealt with that emotionally. I keep telling myself he's a toddler, but it's been months, and it's just exhausting. I remain very positive and patient with him, it's just clear he prefers "dada". I have wondered if he feels anxiety that DH is going to leave at any moment and seeing me around means DH is going away, and that scares him or something, but it's gotten to the point that he screams and cries and won't even let me pick him up out of his crib, only wants DH to do it. I think if DH and I make a plan on things and have one common course as our guide, that would be helpful, but it just feels like we have no idea what to do and it's just total mayhem... I also wonder if my toddler may just be very emotional. He's always shown a lot of emotional highs and lows - VERY happy or VERY grumpy, sometimes in between, but rarely. If I'm being honest, I can be a little like that, too. Any advice on any of the above appreciated.... |
Anonymous
| OP again. Worth mentioning that DS is in daycare 5 days a week and extremely social and well-behaved at school. Not outlier comments about behavior. I am not a SAHM and work a full time, fairly demanding job, but I manage all evening care and weekend care. DH occasionally joins on weekends. |
Anonymous
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OP I think the preference and the discipline are separate issues. They’re probably not related. Kids go through preference periods even when the parents discipline the same.
Idk what you’re trying now but when my kid was 22m there really wasn’t any “discipline” except redirection and removal from whatever the bad behavior was. If you’re asking your 22 to respect a “stern voice” you may just be expecting too much developmentally, which could lead to frustration for both of you. If a 22 month old is drawing on the table, imo a “stern voice” is not effective. You have to calmly, without betraying that you’re upset about it, redirect (physically) to paper and/or take the crayon away calmly. A “stern voice” in that situation is just attention that reinforces the behavior. |
Anonymous
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commiserating with you OP! I'm the OP of this thread https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1102704.page#24039225, and while it doesn't sound AS extreme as yours, my toddler definitely has a strong preference for dad and was hitting me WAY more than he was hitting my husband. my husband doesn't have a demanding job that keeps him away a lot, but I am definitely the primary parent.
since writing that thread, we opted to completely ignore the behavior. if he hit, we simply walked away without saying anything to him. I guess in your case, if he hit you while you were near dad, you could both move away? anyways, the lack of acknowledgement has really improved his behavior and his hitting is way down in the few days since I posted. I think he was mostly looking for attention, and we were giving it to him by saying NO and being firm, etc. it seemed backwards to me at the time, but ignoring it has totally helped |
Anonymous
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I have 3 kids and my youngest was a lot like this. It was daddy or nothing. Having had the older ones prefer mommy, my DH was thrilled that he was "chosen." This actually led to a lot of problems because my DH would let DS get away with almost anything so that he could remain the favorite. I mean who would choose meany mommy with all the rules when fun daddy had none? It led to problems with disciplie with DS and also created a ton of sibling rivalry.
What I ended up doing was creating artifical breaks. No, only mommy does baths DS. You can read a book with DH when we are done. DS, your daddy is going to take your siblings to the park. You and I are going to have special fun time here in the backyard, exc. Just know that it isn't that your DS doesn't love you. Many kids have preferences when they are toddler and they change over time. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry, this sounds hard. I haven’t done either of the courses you mentioned, but we’ve done a sleep training course (Taking Cara Babies) and a toddler feeding course (Solid Starts). It can feel kind of silly to be watching videos to learn how to deal with things other people seem to be able to figure out on their own. But it’s been SO helpful for us to have a shared approach. It can help take the guesswork and arguments out of the equation. |
Anonymous
Same poster - and I should add that often these courses will give you a sense of what’s typical and what’s not. So if you’re worried about whether your kid is more emotional than others, you can try the course’s advice as a first step. |
Anonymous
OP here. I'm so sorry you're dealing with the hitting stuff, as well, and I'm glad to know someone is out there who "gets it"! I do remember seeing this post. Thank you for re-linking. I will definitely try the ignoring. I will say, we haven't done that at all. I think in those moments where he's behaving badly, I sort of panic, since I don't know the best way to handle it. I'm interested to try the ignore idea, and see what happens from there. Thank you! |
Anonymous
Thank you, this feels validating to know there are others out there who have tried courses. Obviously that's what they exist for, but I think you're right about being helpful to have that shared approach so we're not just guessing in the moment. I appreciate your response! |
Anonymous
' OP here. This is helpful! Thank you. |
Anonymous
This is helpful - thank you! I hadn't even realized that... |
Anonymous
I agree with the pp. We have very similar circumstances to yours and when my son was around that age he went through a stage for what seemed like forever (to me) where he would just look me dead in the eyes and say, "Go away mommy. I want daddy." It hurt like heck because I got him ready every morning, did pick up and drop off for daycare, took him to all his little toddler gym classes, cooked dinner etc, etc. What I always tried to keep in mind was that he only had simple sentences at that point and what he likely meant to communicate was "I haven't seen daddy much today and I miss him." Perhaps your son is asking for the same thing just communicating it differently. As for the "discipline" situation, that's an ongoing conversation you have with your husband to ensure he backs you in front of your child and has the same general ideas about what's appropriate. It does sound like he's interested in doing that and getting help so maybe a few family therapy sessions to hash it out could work since he seems to want something like that. |
Anonymous
OP I agree with the poster above, there isn't much "discipline" with a 22 month old, more learning to hold boundaries which I think is what you're trying to say your husband probably struggles with since his parents didn't really hold boundaries. Doing a course together sounds like a great idea. When my first was that age the instagram parenting thing hadn't taken off so we read a book together. We read No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury which I recommend too, maybe while also doing a course. it's short and helpful for this age. Your toddler sounds normal to me if that helps, but impossible to know. And some kids are more intense even when it's still normal. My youngest is 20 months and we aren't dealing with too much preference, but he definitely is very happy to very very upset quite often  The other night he had a writhing mega meltdown for reasons unknown for example. I'm just sharing to say you're not alone! And it's good to feel like you have tools so you're thinking of the right thing. I also can understand how frustrating the preference thing must be. I would say that it's likely more a result of your son craving more time with dad than anything else. One it's normal for kids to go through that (though hard) and two, it's not uncommon when one parent does the bulk of the work for the other to get idealized a big. Usually that's when older but with a kid your son's age I think it's probably more "I miss daddy I want daddy when mommy is here it means daddy isn't" feelings.
I think either Big Little Feelings or Becky's course are both going to be fine. I have the big little feelings course (though ended up not watching all the videos because it ended up being repetitive to books I'd read pre-instagram parenting era!) and I've skimmed Becky's book (I probably read too many parenting things..). THey will both teach you what is developmentally appropriate for young kids, how to validate their feelings and also hold boundaries. So, I would go with the one that you relate to more. |
Anonymous
Hi, I was 00:41 poster on that thread who suggested walking away. I wanted to add that as your kid gets older, you can add the words to explain why you are walking away to reinforce the concept that hitting isn’t an effective form of communication for him. Glad you kept trying different things and hope it continues to get better. |