Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?

[Anonymous]

Growing up my family was poor. When I was in college I began to notice certain behavior that could fall into the "not our kind dear".
At a social gathering where we met a director of a medical school, my younger siblings began pointing at various athletic sprains they'd experienced in their legs and seeking free medical advice.
My boyfriend's mother sent us a big box of Godiva chocolates. It was consumed by two of my sisters in one afternoon. It was as if they were afraid anyone else in the family would eat the pieces before they got to it. It was a big box. In my office this box would last a full day amongst 30 employees.
My husband, children and I showed up at my parents one holiday. It was a long drive, my siblings were already there to meet us. All the seats in the living room were filled, there was no place for us to sit. That wasn't so much the issue as the fact that no one stood up to say hello. Everyone stayed parked in their seat and stared at us. As if they were afraud to lose their place. Only my mother got up to give one of the 4 of my family a place to sit. I was very embarassed for my husband - he never said anything but I know he found it ungracious.

I don't really know what this sort of behavior is called but I've thought about it. There's another thread on here about subtle signs of class and I think these are the opposite but I don't know how to sum it with a phrase like that.

[Anonymous]

Scarcity mindset. And it’s the natural consequence of poverty, not something to look down your nose at them about. You sound really unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

Wow that chocolate thing really got to you huh

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I call it the "Everyone for himself" survival instinct. My husband was a war refugee as a child and has moments where he behaves like that - it's very hard to break. He can fake it for short social situations, and indeed, he put himself through medical school and has acquired, when needed, a veneer of social graces. His siblings are younger and don't remember their long trek to safety and their struggle to claw their way into the lower middle class, so they're less traumatized with fewer adverse behaviors. It's rather interesting to watch them as a family group, actually.

Please don't feel shame, and don't apologize to your husband for your family. Life made them what they are. You are lucky you aren't as impacted.

[Anonymous]

You're possibly getting a bit entitled and snobbish

[Anonymous]

My five kids exhibit scarcity mindset on steak night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm. I call it the "Everyone for himself" survival instinct. My husband was a war refugee as a child and has moments where he behaves like that - it's very hard to break. He can fake it for short social situations, and indeed, he put himself through medical school and has acquired, when needed, a veneer of social graces. His siblings are younger and don't remember their long trek to safety and their struggle to claw their way into the lower middle class, so they're less traumatized with fewer adverse behaviors. It's rather interesting to watch them as a family group, actually.

Please don't feel shame, and don't apologize to your husband for your family. Life made them what they are. You are lucky you aren't as impacted.

OP: I was totally impacted as the older child. The younger ones had it so much easier. They actually received financial support during their college years and beyond. If anything I should have the scarcity mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow that chocolate thing really got to you huh

OP: Well yeah, it was like breathed in all in one go. I sent the same sized box to my OGBYN's office and they took a week to work thru it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm. I call it the "Everyone for himself" survival instinct. My husband was a war refugee as a child and has moments where he behaves like that - it's very hard to break. He can fake it for short social situations, and indeed, he put himself through medical school and has acquired, when needed, a veneer of social graces. His siblings are younger and don't remember their long trek to safety and their struggle to claw their way into the lower middle class, so they're less traumatized with fewer adverse behaviors. It's rather interesting to watch them as a family group, actually.

Please don't feel shame, and don't apologize to your husband for your family. Life made them what they are. You are lucky you aren't as impacted.

OP: I was totally impacted as the older child. The younger ones had it so much easier. They actually received financial support during their college years and beyond. If anything I should have the scarcity mindset.

Is this what you got from the post you're quoting? There are also personalities at play. Perhaps you weren't parented in the same way, being the oldest, or maybe you got out more and saw how your friends reacted in social situations. We don't know. But you need to stop whining about your family of origin, because it's not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm. I call it the "Everyone for himself" survival instinct. My husband was a war refugee as a child and has moments where he behaves like that - it's very hard to break. He can fake it for short social situations, and indeed, he put himself through medical school and has acquired, when needed, a veneer of social graces. His siblings are younger and don't remember their long trek to safety and their struggle to claw their way into the lower middle class, so they're less traumatized with fewer adverse behaviors. It's rather interesting to watch them as a family group, actually.

Please don't feel shame, and don't apologize to your husband for your family. Life made them what they are. You are lucky you aren't as impacted.

OP: I was totally impacted as the older child. The younger ones had it so much easier. They actually received financial support during their college years and beyond. If anything I should have the scarcity mindset.

I think you have plenty of scarcity mindset. But it’s about class rather than chocolates. Stop putting on airs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My five kids exhibit scarcity mindset on steak night

Lol, mine does with any food and gets mad if anyone besides her takes “her” food. We do fine for ourselves and I’m constantly telling her we can get more if we run out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that chocolate thing really got to you huh

OP: Well yeah, it was like breathed in all in one go. I sent the same sized box to my OGBYN's office and they took a week to work thru it.

How on earth do you know how long it took them to eat it? Did you go back and check? Did you call and ask? Seriously puzzled here.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP, I get it. I have 5 siblings and often it was fear of missing out/not getting any/ not feeling protected.

That said, I like at least half of what you described is simple manners. Not greeting people or not having enough seating for your guests? Sounds like manners weren't taught/learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my family was poor. When I was in college I began to notice certain behavior that could fall into the "not our kind dear".
At a social gathering where we met a director of a medical school, my younger siblings began pointing at various athletic sprains they'd experienced in their legs and seeking free medical advice.
My boyfriend's mother sent us a big box of Godiva chocolates. It was consumed by two of my sisters in one afternoon. It was as if they were afraid anyone else in the family would eat the pieces before they got to it. It was a big box. In my office this box would last a full day amongst 30 employees.
My husband, children and I showed up at my parents one holiday. It was a long drive, my siblings were already there to meet us. All the seats in the living room were filled, there was no place for us to sit. That wasn't so much the issue as the fact that no one stood up to say hello. Everyone stayed parked in their seat and stared at us. As if they were afraud to lose their place. Only my mother got up to give one of the 4 of my family a place to sit. I was very embarassed for my husband - he never said anything but I know he found it ungracious.

I don't really know what this sort of behavior is called but I've thought about it. There's another thread on here about subtle signs of class and I think these are the opposite but I don't know how to sum it with a phrase like that.

It’s just called rude
Except the thing about pointing out sprains - I think that’s pretty universal upon meeting drs to mention your own maladies - esp if like me you are Jewish 🙂

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have many siblings. Even though you're the oldest and got the least resources, the younger ones still had to compete with each other and fend for themselves. I see this type of ungracious behavior sometimes in my 5 year old, who has an older and stronger sibling, and we're not poor.

House environment aside, some people just naturally aren't very observant of social cues and graces. In my family of origin half of the people don't have any table manners despite all efforts by loved ones, and the other half picked up table manners by themselves. It's disparate personality at play.