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[quote=Anonymous]First I recognize that grief is different for everyone. My brother overall is doing quite well and pretty much back to "normal life" (he was also very close to my mom). She really was to me, my best friend, the first one I would call for anything. We do not live in the same state but saw each other pretty often. Her illness, Alzheimers was brutal and cruel in the way it slowly took her life away from her (and us).

I realize now the depression (which I think I have) started well before her actual passing. I was mourning her all along as I saw her slip away month by month, hour by hour. In the end, the last few weeks she was under hospice care and she  slipped away fast too fast and it still feels surreal. I was there those last 3 weeks with her by her side every minute. I am so glad I was as I would never forgive myself if I wasn't.

So fast forward 9 weeks later, I feel like I am almost doing worse than better. I felt like a few weeks ago I was doing pretty OK, still weepy most days but overall was able to finally get back to my job (though only going part time) but with Christmas somehow I feel like I really regressed. I have no desire to see anyone, socialize if I am not at work then I am home often in my robe and pjs. I feel most comfortable and safe being home. I just cry so often that I am starting to wonder if this is within the parameters of "normal". I cannot stop thinking about my mom. My husband wants me to go on meds as he thinks I need it.He is very caring and concerned as he sees the impact it has on my day to day life.

I came home early today, feeling very very down, just been sobbing all day. Can barely bring myself to look at a picture of her without losing it. I do not open up to my ddad as much about how I am-suffering because he is too and I don't want him to worry about me. Like me, he has his good and bad days.

I spoke twice to a therapist (who seemed good) but not a grief counselor. I then searched for one online but only found betterhelp which is a joke. After spending a lot of time filling out all this info and paying, they then tell me they do not have a grief counselor despite making it very clear that was the only thing I needed help with. I also tried a local support group but everyone seemed so much "ok" than me, and further along in the process, having lost their loved one longer than me. I just couldn't' relate and left there feeling worse than when I got there.

Anyone have insight or suggestions? I don't want to every day like this, feeling so incredibly depressed and sad. Any ideas of getting help online? Please no snarky comments, i am feeling low enough as is. Thanks.[/quote]

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