Disengaging from parents when an only child?

[Anonymous]

I am now an only child--had a sibling who died years ago--and like some other recent posters on this forum, my parents are very critical of me and have been for many years. They are also disatisfied by our relationship, as in, I don't call enough (I've recently been calling once a week or a bit more), I'm not open with them and sharing enough about my life, etc. They don't see the connection between their behavior towards me and the way I manage the relationship. All of this has taken a toll. I recently was upfront with them about how this was really tough for me and probably predictably, that didn't lead anywhere good. They are now both extremely hurt and focused entirely on their hurt.

I'm feeling stuck about where to go from here. If I had a sibling or two, I would feel comfortable pulling away at least for a time. Even if the sibling(s) wasn't in great contact with them, at least they'd be out there. But I am all they've got and I know despite everything that they love me and need me. At the same time, it is just so hard to cope with their behavior. All of this is also making me miss my sibling terribly because we used to talk about my parents a lot.

I really don't know what to do and I feel like there is no good answer. Cutting them off feels overly harsh and generally a bad idea all around. It's not what I want and would do a lot of damage. But I am not sure there's a good in-between that all of us can live with. For example, my setting boundaries, which I did pretty effectively when I was younger and my sibling was alive, will now generate very strong emotions and unhappiness from them. And they won't be able to see the role they're playing that's making that happen. I welcome advice from anyone else who's been through anything like this, especially if you're an only child. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now an only child--had a sibling who died years ago--and like some other recent posters on this forum, my parents are very critical of me and have been for many years. They are also disatisfied by our relationship, as in, I don't call enough (I've recently been calling once a week or a bit more), I'm not open with them and sharing enough about my life, etc. They don't see the connection between their behavior towards me and the way I manage the relationship. All of this has taken a toll. I recently was upfront with them about how this was really tough for me and probably predictably, that didn't lead anywhere good. They are now both extremely hurt and focused entirely on their hurt.

I'm feeling stuck about where to go from here. If I had a sibling or two, I would feel comfortable pulling away at least for a time. Even if the sibling(s) wasn't in great contact with them, at least they'd be out there. But I am all they've got and I know despite everything that they love me and need me. At the same time, it is just so hard to cope with their behavior. All of this is also making me miss my sibling terribly because we used to talk about my parents a lot.

I really don't know what to do and I feel like there is no good answer. Cutting them off feels overly harsh and generally a bad idea all around. It's not what I want and would do a lot of damage. But I am not sure there's a good in-between that all of us can live with. For example, my setting boundaries, which I did pretty effectively when I was younger and my sibling was alive, will now generate very strong emotions and unhappiness from them. And they won't be able to see the role they're playing that's making that happen. I welcome advice from anyone else who's been through anything like this, especially if you're an only child. Thank you.

First of all, if the "recently" is true in the bolded, I'd give it a little time. A few months at least. Keep calling at your weekly cadence, visiting as usual, sharing what you're comfortable with, and see if things don't calm down. They might, once they work through their hurt, actually be able to see some of the truth in what you said, but that process will take time.

I know it's sad to lose a sibling. But there is nothing worse in this world than parents outliving their children. It's not the natural order of things. I just can't imagine dealing with that. So I would try and give them a LOT of grace. Have you heard of Ring Theory? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology). As parents who lost a child (even a few years ago) they are at the center of the ring. You are a level out. Thinking about this in the context of your sibling's death might help you give them a bit of a longer rope.

If, after some time has passed, you're still in a place that's untenable, how do you think they would react to you suggesting family therapy? My guess is, they're clinging to you as all they have left, which is both unhealthy for them and suffocating for you. I bet you can get to a better place with some trained guidance, and after such a loss, it might be really helpful to all of you.

Best of luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think you should just keep calling them once a week and expect that the call is going to kind of suck but try to compartmentalize and move on from it. Also, send them cards in the mail at holidays and birthdays if you don’t already because that is one way to engage with them without it taking up much emotional energy. I’m sorry for your loss of your sibling. I just think that completely disengaging will cause more drama and grief then staying in the minimal once a week contact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think you should just keep calling them once a week and expect that the call is going to kind of suck but try to compartmentalize and move on from it. Also, send them cards in the mail at holidays and birthdays if you don’t already because that is one way to engage with them without it taking up much emotional energy. I’m sorry for your loss of your sibling. I just think that completely disengaging will cause more drama and grief then staying in the minimal once a week contact

This is good, compassionate advice.

[Anonymous]

You tried to be an adult about this and let them know how it makes you feel and it didn't work. Been there. You focus on being relational but not having a relationship. (I got that from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents). You keep in touch, but manage it-stick to neutral topics and don't expect them to be supportive or to meet any of your emotional needs for connection. You just figure out your boundaries and emotionally detach. You can expect them to keep complaining. Do not show emotion. Just put more distance there by changing the subject or making an excuse to leave. If they aren't open to your side, then it's not worth engaging on the topic. Try to stay connected, but without any emotional investment.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for all of this. Dealing with this as though you are an only child is not likely a realistic path for you (because it's not a realistic path to them, and also because it's not the reality). You are the surviving child in a family that experienced child loss. Everything is likely to be different and harder because of that. And maybe even harder still depending on the cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think you should just keep calling them once a week and expect that the call is going to kind of suck but try to compartmentalize and move on from it. Also, send them cards in the mail at holidays and birthdays if you don’t already because that is one way to engage with them without it taking up much emotional energy. I’m sorry for your loss of your sibling. I just think that completely disengaging will cause more drama and grief then staying in the minimal once a week contact

This is good, compassionate advice.

Calling once a week is too much. Op needs to have some space and speak to them less. They are going to complain no matter what op does. It is possible to train people. The minute they begin to complain, get off the phone. Over time, they'll learn that op isn't going to listen to their criticisms.

[Anonymous]

I am sympathetic to your situation. If I were you I’d find a therapist to talk with about this. Ultimately you need to see if you can find a way to have a relationship with your parents that meets your needs as well as their’s. Ideally you would all meet with a therapist together but convincing them if that might be really difficult. So start with one for yourself.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I think there is a chance that you can get them to change their behavior because you have something they really want - your attention. But they will 100% guaranteed have a major meltdown during the initial process.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only. I went through some stuff a few years ago when I had to step back from my parents a little. They kept big secrets from me (not maliciously, more like swept under the rug so we don't have to deal with it secrets) and while I could understand their reasoning, it still hurt, the fact they could not share or trust me. They are good people who love me and my family so I didn't want to create a rift. What I did was just not share as much and mentally step back myself for a while. Covid happened not long after this which also gave me some space in person. I am now slowly stepping back into the relationship, which is still positive.

I do think PP has a valid point in that you are not an only child...you are part of a family that experienced loss and are the remaining sibling. Looking at it through that lens may help you find healthier paths for all of you. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Having lost a sibling to cancer, she was 21, I was 23. My 3 other siblings were younger. We have given my parents, especially mom a lot of slack. There is just no way to understand that pain if you haven't been through it.
But some of my siblings have had to set boundaries. It is tough but they need to do it to have a decent relationship. I think that loss affected them so profoundly, it is different people that we are dealing with than who we grew up with.
I've had therapy in the past. Only way to get through it.

[Anonymous]

I am an only child who cut my mom off for a year and is now on very low contact (one call a week). I didn’t want to cut her off but she pushed me to it. Shes always been mean, merry, and difficult and piled on when my family was already under stress due to Covid and my health and my husbands job and I just thought to myself, I cannot do this relationship anymore.

I had biweekly therapy about it for years and still do. I read a lot of books about it which helps. It’s lonely and frustrating.

Wishing you peace. I hope you live far from them in a place you enjoy. That helps.

Don’t be a martyr because your sibling died. You also have a life to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now an only child--had a sibling who died years ago--and like some other recent posters on this forum, my parents are very critical of me and have been for many years. They are also disatisfied by our relationship, as in, I don't call enough (I've recently been calling once a week or a bit more), I'm not open with them and sharing enough about my life, etc. They don't see the connection between their behavior towards me and the way I manage the relationship. All of this has taken a toll. I recently was upfront with them about how this was really tough for me and probably predictably, that didn't lead anywhere good. They are now both extremely hurt and focused entirely on their hurt.

I'm feeling stuck about where to go from here. If I had a sibling or two, I would feel comfortable pulling away at least for a time. Even if the sibling(s) wasn't in great contact with them, at least they'd be out there. But I am all they've got and I know despite everything that they love me and need me. At the same time, it is just so hard to cope with their behavior. All of this is also making me miss my sibling terribly because we used to talk about my parents a lot.

I really don't know what to do and I feel like there is no good answer. Cutting them off feels overly harsh and generally a bad idea all around. It's not what I want and would do a lot of damage. But I am not sure there's a good in-between that all of us can live with. For example, my setting boundaries, which I did pretty effectively when I was younger and my sibling was alive, will now generate very strong emotions and unhappiness from them. And they won't be able to see the role they're playing that's making that happen. I welcome advice from anyone else who's been through anything like this, especially if you're an only child. Thank you.

grief therapy and family therapy made be helpful for you and your parents. I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP back. Thanks so much pps for your kind words and suggestions. My sibling died 12 years ago in a car accident. I guess what I've struggled with over the years is, does suffering a tragic loss of a (young adult) child mean that parents can behave however they want indefinitely? For a long time I did give my parents a lot of leeway, as some pps suggest I should do. But there are so many people in the world who endure terrible things in life. Can say whatever they want whenever they want to whomever they want for years on end? It doesn't seem right to me, but maybe for some people, their grief does justify this. I don't know. We've all been in individual therapy and my parents would have no interest in family therapy. They feel strongly that they are doing nothing wrong and that they are entitled to be critical as much as they wish, and that I am overreacting. They were like this before my sibling's death and after, so I don't attribute this behavior to the loss. It's just who they are, but it's become increasingly hard on me. Especially because when I do distance myself--for example by calling once a week, instead of the 2-3 times a week they want--they get angry about it or hurt.

I agree that giving them a little more time to take in what I shared, which was about six weeks ago, is a good idea. And trying to keep engaging, and recognizing that I can't change them. I'm still trying to find the right balance to protect myself and be there for them. I really appreciate any more comments or advice!

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your sister isn't here to navigate this path with you.

My family is two years into this same path - right up to and including the parents who continue to be who they always were - and it's so, so hard.

The bottom line is that no, suffering a tragic loss DOES NOT give your parents license to treat you poorly indefinitely. Nor does it make you uniquely responsible or accountable for their comfort or happiness. If they are asking more of you than you have to give - a bit of distance and self-protection is appropriate.