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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am now an only child--had a sibling who died years ago--and like some other recent posters on this forum, my parents are very critical of me and have been for many years.  They are also disatisfied by our relationship, as in, I don't call enough (I've recently been calling once a week or a bit more), I'm not open with them and sharing enough about my life, etc.  They don't see the connection between their behavior towards me and the way I manage the relationship.  All of this has taken a toll.  [b]I recently was upfront with them about how this was really tough for me and probably predictably, that didn't lead anywhere good.  They are now both extremely hurt and focused entirely on their hurt.  [/b]

I'm feeling stuck about where to go from here.  If I had a sibling or two, I would feel comfortable pulling away at least for a time.  Even if the sibling(s) wasn't in great contact with them, at least they'd be out there. But I am all they've got and I know despite everything that they love me and need me.  At the same time, it is just so hard to cope with their behavior.  All of this is also making me miss my sibling terribly because we used to talk about my parents a lot.

I really don't know what to do and I feel like there is no good answer.  Cutting them off feels overly harsh and generally a bad idea all around.  It's not what I want and would do a lot of damage.  But I am not sure there's a good in-between that all of us can live with.  For example, my setting boundaries, which I did pretty effectively when I was younger and my sibling was alive, will now generate very strong emotions and unhappiness from them.  And they won't be able to see the role they're playing that's making that happen.  I welcome advice from anyone else who's been through anything like this, especially if you're an only child.  Thank you.

[/quote]

First of all, if the "recently" is true in the bolded, I'd give it a little time. A few months at least. Keep calling at your weekly cadence, visiting as usual, sharing what you're comfortable with, and see if things don't calm down. They might, once they work through their hurt, actually be able to see some of the truth in what you said, but that process will take time.

I know it's sad to lose a sibling. But there is nothing worse in this world than parents outliving their children. It's not the natural order of things. I just can't imagine dealing with that. So I would try and give them a LOT of grace. Have you heard of Ring Theory? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology). As parents who lost a child (even a few years ago) they are at the center of the ring. You are a level out. Thinking about this in the context of your sibling's death might help you give them a bit of a longer rope.

If, after some time has passed, you're still in a place that's untenable, how do you think they would react to you suggesting family therapy? My guess is, they're clinging to you as all they have left, which is both unhealthy for them and suffocating for you. I bet you can get to a better place with some trained guidance, and after such a loss, it might be really helpful to all of you.

Best of luck, and I'm sorry for your loss. [/quote]

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