Who cooks - the host or the guest?

[Anonymous]

We are traveling to my in-laws over Christmas break for 10 nights. They are generally alone Xmas day even though one of DHs siblings lives minutes away, so we decided to come with the kids for the first time in over ten years. Plus, DH’s job is changing soon and travel over any holiday won’t be possible. SIL and family decided to join in and come for a visit as well so we can all see each other. What would your expectation be regarding who meal plans and cooks? We’ve hosted my in-laws dozens and dozens of times. I handle everything. I don’t bug them about meal choices and I cook and clean up. They are my guests and I try and accommodate them any way I can.

I was expecting that since we are making the long trek there and using vacation to visit them, that I would get to be more “off” for cooking on this trip. I always help prep meals and clean up and take care of the kids for breakfast and lunches when we visit. But, this time I’m getting a constant stream of emails, text and phone calls about how we need to join the meal planning schedule document. I reminded MIL that we aren’t picky and our kids will eat anything and everything. We have zero preferences and I simply don’t care. She is hosting and she is welcome to make the menus and we all pitch in while we are there.

I’m still getting harassed about why I haven’t signed up to meal plan and cook during the visit from her. DH told her that he would happily do so and to send all communications about meal planning and schedules to him. Of course I’m still getting the messages and I’m getting so frustrated. It’s my turn to finally be the guest, she needs to stop bugging me, and it’s so sexist that she isn’t doing this to her own son. Be honest, am I being a selfish jerk here?

[Anonymous]

Generally when you host, you do all the work. But it sounds like you invited yourselves. So it makes sense that you pitch in.

It's GREAT that your husband is doing the right thing. Either just ignore her messages or respond every time with "Stephen is handling meal planning - please reach out to him." Every. Time.

[Anonymous]

Lesson learned - you should do a meal planning document when they visit you from now on! Why are they getting a free ride when you don't

[Anonymous]

"Hey everyone, I am not going to be cooking on this vacation as I am feeling very run down. However, since we all are taking turns to provide meals for everyone to lessen the burden on the host, I am willing to pay for take-outs on the days that it is DH and my turn. "

[Anonymous]

Your DH is great. Your ILs suck, sorry. They don't need to be adding to your mental load. Unless they have limited mobility or are still working busy jobs, they should figure this out. I would not bother making this trek to visit them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hey everyone, I am not going to be cooking on this vacation as I am feeling very run down. However, since we all are taking turns to provide meals for everyone to lessen the burden on the host, I am willing to pay for take-outs on the days that it is DH and my turn. "

LOL. Same idea but less rude. You can say that we will be getting takeouts from x, y, z restaurants on the three days that we are responsible for meal planning.

[Anonymous]

Just forward everything to your DH and ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is great. Your ILs suck, sorry. They don't need to be adding to your mental load. Unless they have limited mobility or are still working busy jobs, they should figure this out. I would not bother making this trek to visit them again.

Op here - my in laws are in their 60s! MIL is a homemaker for goodness sake. It’s beyond me how she can’t manage to meal plan for us and cook (we help every time too and she knows this). It’s the mental load that is driving me batty.

[Anonymous]

Honestly this sounds like something DCUM would advise a host to do when they didn’t want to handle 10 DAYS of meals for family.

If your DH is the one in charge, just stop opening the emails/reading the texts. Being copied on communications isn’t an action item.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned - you should do a meal planning document when they visit you from now on! Why are they getting a free ride when you don't

I’d never, ever actually do this, but gosh is it so tempting. They have already invited themselves to come in February, May, summer visit and then October. I have five children, DH works lots of hours and I homeschool several of the kids. I’m busy 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds like something DCUM would advise a host to do when they didn’t want to handle 10 DAYS of meals for family.

If your DH is the one in charge, just stop opening the emails/reading the texts. Being copied on communications isn’t an action item.

Op here - you are correct - 10 days of meals IS a lot. But we’ve done it for them over and over again. Last visit they stayed with us 12 nights and I cooked and cleaned for them with zero help. This has been done many times every year on my end. It’s her one time to reciprocate probably for the next five years, and she can’t manage to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds like something DCUM would advise a host to do when they didn’t want to handle 10 DAYS of meals for family.

If your DH is the one in charge, just stop opening the emails/reading the texts. Being copied on communications isn’t an action item.

Op here - you are correct - 10 days of meals IS a lot. But we’ve done it for them over and over again. Last visit they stayed with us 12 nights and I cooked and cleaned for them with zero help. This has been done many times every year on my end. It’s her one time to reciprocate probably for the next five years, and she can’t manage to handle it.

But why are you sooooo upset on being copied on communications? Stop reading them. And next time set up a meal plan for your house.

Honestly you seem like you don’t want to actually solve your problem. You want to punish or call out your MIL. Try to fix that impulse. It’s not doing you any good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is great. Your ILs suck, sorry. They don't need to be adding to your mental load. Unless they have limited mobility or are still working busy jobs, they should figure this out. I would not bother making this trek to visit them again.

Op here - my in laws are in their 60s! MIL is a homemaker for goodness sake. It’s beyond me how she can’t manage to meal plan for us and cook (we help every time too and she knows this). It’s the mental load that is driving me batty.

OP, 10 days is 30 meals for how many people? At least 8 guests so at least 10 total? I actually don't blame your MIL. It's a little different than you having to include 2 additional adults in your home. Also, were you invited for that amount of time or did you want to stay that long because it's a big trip.

But I agree if DH requested the emails go to him, they should go to him. And take out is a perfectly acceptable option, as is filling in "cereal, bagels, and coffee" and "deli sandwiches" for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned - you should do a meal planning document when they visit you from now on! Why are they getting a free ride when you don't

I’d never, ever actually do this, but gosh is it so tempting. They have already invited themselves to come in February, May, summer visit and then October. I have five children, DH works lots of hours and I homeschool several of the kids. I’m busy 😂

Hold up FIVE kids? Do you get how them hosting a family of, holy crap, seven?! isn’t the same as you hosting two elderly people?

[Anonymous]

I guess I don't really understand the problem. Your husband has agreed to handle your family's share of the cooking responsibilities. If she texts you, ignore it and tell your husband to contact her. If she mentions this to you on the phone, say you don't know, and she'll have to talk to her son. I'm sure it's annoying but it will be over in a few weeks.