Who cooks - the host or the guest?

[Anonymous]

When I host, I like to do all of the cooking and hosting duties. Adding two extra people is peanuts. When I’m a guest at somebody’s house, I also like to cook or help! I like to feel useful and helpful in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy the Duggar cookbook.

Tater Tot casserole. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are traveling to my in-laws over Christmas break for 10 nights. They are generally alone Xmas day even though one of DHs siblings lives minutes away, so we decided to come with the kids for the first time in over ten years. Plus, DH’s job is changing soon and travel over any holiday won’t be possible. SIL and family decided to join in and come for a visit as well so we can all see each other. What would your expectation be regarding who meal plans and cooks? We’ve hosted my in-laws dozens and dozens of times. I handle everything. I don’t bug them about meal choices and I cook and clean up. They are my guests and I try and accommodate them any way I can.

I was expecting that since we are making the long trek there and using vacation to visit them, that I would get to be more “off” for cooking on this trip. I always help prep meals and clean up and take care of the kids for breakfast and lunches when we visit. But, this time I’m getting a constant stream of emails, text and phone calls about how we need to join the meal planning schedule document. I reminded MIL that we aren’t picky and our kids will eat anything and everything. We have zero preferences and I simply don’t care. She is hosting and she is welcome to make the menus and we all pitch in while we are there.

I’m still getting harassed about why I haven’t signed up to meal plan and cook during the visit from her. DH told her that he would happily do so and to send all communications about meal planning and schedules to him. Of course I’m still getting the messages and I’m getting so frustrated. It’s my turn to finally be the guest, she needs to stop bugging me, and it’s so sexist that she isn’t doing this to her own son. Be honest, am I being a selfish jerk here?

Yes. You are a selfish jerk. You invited yourself to someone's house who never cooks a big holiday meal and you are arriving with, what probably seems to them, an army of kids! You cook every meal and clean up kitchen as well as cleaning up after your family around the house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is great. Your ILs suck, sorry. They don't need to be adding to your mental load. Unless they have limited mobility or are still working busy jobs, they should figure this out. I would not bother making this trek to visit them again.

Op here - my in laws are in their 60s! MIL is a homemaker for goodness sake. It’s beyond me how she can’t manage to meal plan for us and cook (we help every time too and she knows this). It’s the mental load that is driving me batty.

She didn't invite you. You invited yourself. Try cracking your concrete brain to understand the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no hard-and-fast rule when it comes to family gatherings. You look at the who/what/where/when, and then you make plans and ask for help accordingly.

Some people like to be considerate of others, though. If you invited your family of 7 people, and SIL invited her family of another X people, and the hosts are asking for help, it helps to have a little self-awareness.

...when did I say otherwise?

[Anonymous]

I think it's amusing OP is planning to travel with 5 kids for 10 days to someone else's house and is imagining this as some type of luxurious vacation where she never has to think about meals. You all should have booked a cruise if this is what you wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I actually really appreciate the perspective. I guess I’m just used to cooking for more of a crowd and I didn’t stop to think about it from another perspective. I can fully acknowledge when I’m wrong, so thank you!!

People, read the whole thread! Op is cool.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would shorten that trip down to five nights and you and your husband just pick a night and he cooks or you get takeout. Why you would want to spend 10 nights or expect someone to cook for you for 10 nights is a bit bizarre. Food's expensive and I can't say I would want anyone at my house for 10 nights if I had to cook, clean and entertain them.

[Anonymous]

Or say you guys will be in charge of 10 breakfasts or 10 lunches but to expect an elderly couple to make over 30 meals for 9 or more people is just insane.

[Anonymous]

You have 5 kids do the thought of having to feed your family of 7 is stressing them out. While I agree you should t have to cook as the guest I can also see that if someone with 5 kids came to visit me I would want a lot of input. Give them some input for the days they’re cooking and to take out on your days..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned - you should do a meal planning document when they visit you from now on! Why are they getting a free ride when you don't

I’d never, ever actually do this, but gosh is it so tempting. They have already invited themselves to come in February, May, summer visit and then October. I have five children, DH works lots of hours and I homeschool several of the kids. I’m busy 😂

Hold up FIVE kids? Do you get how them hosting a family of, holy crap, seven?! isn’t the same as you hosting two elderly people?

There are seven of you. You should help cook.

[Anonymous]

You are bringing 5 kids to their house for 10 days??? That is insanely intrusive.

[Anonymous]

XSIL would do this—invite her family to our house for major holidays and then announce that because they were guests, they didn’t have to do any work. Then she’d help herself and kid to anything in the refrigerator, messing up any planning I had done. Drove me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned - you should do a meal planning document when they visit you from now on! Why are they getting a free ride when you don't

I’d never, ever actually do this, but gosh is it so tempting. They have already invited themselves to come in February, May, summer visit and then October. I have five children, DH works lots of hours and I homeschool several of the kids. I’m busy 😂

Hold up FIVE kids? Do you get how them hosting a family of, holy crap, seven?! isn’t the same as you hosting two elderly people?

FACTS. You buried the lede OP.

You have a family of 7, descending on ILs (homemaker or not!) for 10 days -- that is so different than you hosting 2 people in their 60's at your house. Holy cow!

I am not a fan of the meal prep worksheet, but I totally get where they are coming from. Tell them that 5 or more days YOU AND DH will be in charge of ordering in or treating everyone to an evening out. You have a huge family and I for one cannot imagine thinking up 10 days of meals for you (I have just 1 kid and that is enough prepping for me!)

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP, thinking about it now from their perspective.
I'm probably close to your MILs age. I'm fit, exercise daily and still work full-time, but there's simply no way I could host that many people for 10 days without being utterly exhausted.

It's not just the cooking (although that's enough on its own); it's the meal planning, shopping and cleaning. There's also loads of laundry and keeping the house clean. It's a lot for them.