Who cooks - the host or the guest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds like something DCUM would advise a host to do when they didn’t want to handle 10 DAYS of meals for family.

If your DH is the one in charge, just stop opening the emails/reading the texts. Being copied on communications isn’t an action item.

Op here - you are correct - 10 days of meals IS a lot. But we’ve done it for them over and over again. Last visit they stayed with us 12 nights and I cooked and cleaned for them with zero help. This has been done many times every year on my end. It’s her one time to reciprocate probably for the next five years, and she can’t manage to handle it.

NP. Honestly, OP, I really would wonder, in your shoes, if she simply had discovered the (dubious) joys of spreadsheets or whatever online tool or document she's using to arrange all this....

Also: You haven't been a guest at her house in a decade, right? She may be freaking out a bit, to be honest, at the prospect. Before you say, but WHY?!, well, consider that you haven't seen her in action as a host in ages, and she hasn't had you as guests for ages, and you don't really know how she runs things, what her being a "homemaker" means day to day, etc. Yes, she's only in her 60s but you don't know -- do you, really? -- how set in her ways she might really be. Or if your FIL is the one who's maybe gotten more rigid about things at home, and she's concerned about things getting too busy or chaotic for him. I know! Meals don't necessarily mean chaos! But...how about exercising some grace instead of being so peeved about it? You just don't know what's in her head, whether she's merely into her spreadsheet or scheduling tool and is overenthusiastic, or she's got something going on that you and DH don't really know about but which is making her uptiight at hosting you all for....again...the first time in a decade. Your having hosted them in your house and handled meals your way "dozens and dozens of times" really is not as relevant as you think it is.

Try to let go of the frustation. Your DH is an absolute gem, and I hope you're giving him the credit he deserves for stepping right in and handling the contact with his mom. SO MANY threads on DCUM are about DILs complaining about MIL issues and in most of them the DH does not step up or doesn't even get a mention, so your DH is great. I'd lay the love on thick for him and maybe ask him if it concerns him at all that his mom seems so uptight about meals. Becasue maybe it's more a case for a little concern than a lot of "why is she contacting me?" frustration.

[Anonymous]

For us, families are different- not as formal. We all participate and help. We do not act like guests. Plus, as parents aged, we (siblings) took over duties regardless of which house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I actually really appreciate the perspective. I guess I’m just used to cooking for more of a crowd and I didn’t stop to think about it from another perspective. I can fully acknowledge when I’m wrong, so thank you!!

Well done OP!

[Anonymous]

If you must visit for 10 days at least, spend over half of them in a hotel or an Airbnb.
You can't expect an elderly couple to cater to you for 10 days for three meals a day plus snacks. Is a huge ask of anyone. My sister has four kids and if she were planning to visit for 10 days it would stress me out and I'm used to cooking and actually like to do so. That is a lot more mouth to feed for a very long period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will also add that when I go to my moms, I cook at least half the time. She just isn’t used to or really able to cook for a bunch of people anymore. She makes Christmas dinner and that wears her out. I and 3 kids will be there 4 nights. I will take us out once, cook twice, and she will cook once.
Cooking for a crowd gets much harder with age. Large, heavy pots, all that time on your feet, chopping, etc. for someone with arthritis, or a bad back, or who has bad knees, is going to struggle. I try to keep that in mind.

Thank you for this, it is really difficult to empathize about things we have not yet felt… I am 60 and host all holidays. I still feel young but have to admit a long day in the kitchen has me reaching for the Advil- lower back starts to ache and stiffen, arthritis in my knee starts to flare.