Who cooks - the host or the guest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds like something DCUM would advise a host to do when they didn’t want to handle 10 DAYS of meals for family.

If your DH is the one in charge, just stop opening the emails/reading the texts. Being copied on communications isn’t an action item.

Op here - you are correct - 10 days of meals IS a lot. But we’ve done it for them over and over again. Last visit they stayed with us 12 nights and I cooked and cleaned for them with zero help. This has been done many times every year on my end. It’s her one time to reciprocate probably for the next five years, and she can’t manage to handle it.

Different PP. I get it. You were looking forward to a break and now the trip feels like bait and switch.

Either don't go back and just say "It seemed like our last visit overwhelmed you" or, next time she visits you, send her a sign up sheet. Tell her "Thank you for this great idea; it's such a relief to not have to be 'on' as host for 10 days."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is great. Your ILs suck, sorry. They don't need to be adding to your mental load. Unless they have limited mobility or are still working busy jobs, they should figure this out. I would not bother making this trek to visit them again.

Op here - my in laws are in their 60s! MIL is a homemaker for goodness sake. It’s beyond me how she can’t manage to meal plan for us and cook (we help every time too and she knows this). It’s the mental load that is driving me batty.

What mental load? You’ve decided DH is handling; there’s nothing else to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned - you should do a meal planning document when they visit you from now on! Why are they getting a free ride when you don't

I’d never, ever actually do this, but gosh is it so tempting. They have already invited themselves to come in February, May, summer visit and then October. I have five children, DH works lots of hours and I homeschool several of the kids. I’m busy 😂

Hold up FIVE kids? Do you get how them hosting a family of, holy crap, seven?! isn’t the same as you hosting two elderly people?

+1 and for 10 days!! Wow OP, you are displaying very little self-awareness here.

[Anonymous]

We all take turns with meals when visiting my inlaws. That includes husbands and adult children. It seems like a reasonable request, especially when all of his siblings and nieces/nephews are there at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Not all 60+ have the energy of a 30-something, especially if they’re in the latter half of their 60s. Plus they need to get their house/beds/etc ready. Also, are they living on a fixed income and strapped for the cash to feed three families (them, yours and your SIL’s)?

It sounds like you and your SIL invited your families. That’s a lot. You should all expect to help cook, or at least get takeout on your days. Moaning about being “harassed” and how it’s your turn to be a guest is beneath you. Suck it up and do a meal document the next time they visit.

[Anonymous]

You aren't cooking and cleaning every meal, so you are still getting a break.

It's not that difficult to say we will make spaghetti dinner on our night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is great. Your ILs suck, sorry. They don't need to be adding to your mental load. Unless they have limited mobility or are still working busy jobs, they should figure this out. I would not bother making this trek to visit them again.

Op here - my in laws are in their 60s! MIL is a homemaker for goodness sake. It’s beyond me how she can’t manage to meal plan for us and cook (we help every time too and she knows this). It’s the mental load that is driving me batty.

Perhaps the mental load is driving her batty, too.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, you're the AH here. Hosting 2 adults is completely different from hosting 7 people, of which 5 are kids. THat doesn't even include your SIL and her family. You DEFINITELY should help out. Whether cooking, or buying take-out, etc. You're lucky your husband understands this and stepped up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned - you should do a meal planning document when they visit you from now on! Why are they getting a free ride when you don't

I’d never, ever actually do this, but gosh is it so tempting. They have already invited themselves to come in February, May, summer visit and then October. I have five children, DH works lots of hours and I homeschool several of the kids. I’m busy 😂

Hold up FIVE kids? Do you get how them hosting a family of, holy crap, seven?! isn’t the same as you hosting two elderly people?

Just STOP with the sexism and the rage, homeschool mom/OP. You're showing up at their house with five children and you're complaining about all the emotional labor? YTA.

[Anonymous]

I remember what my mom said when I decided to have a third kid: grandparents are happy to babysit two kids when you have two kids. When you have three kids, grandparents are still happy to babysit two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned - you should do a meal planning document when they visit you from now on! Why are they getting a free ride when you don't

I’d never, ever actually do this, but gosh is it so tempting. They have already invited themselves to come in February, May, summer visit and then October. I have five children, DH works lots of hours and I homeschool several of the kids. I’m busy 😂

Hold up FIVE kids? Do you get how them hosting a family of, holy crap, seven?! isn’t the same as you hosting two elderly people?

+1 and for 10 days!! Wow OP, you are displaying very little self-awareness here.

+2. The entitlement is amazing. I tried to say this nicely above, but as you guys are calling it, I will too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember what my mom said when I decided to have a third kid: grandparents are happy to babysit two kids when you have two kids. When you have three kids, grandparents are still happy to babysit two kids.

This cracks me up and sounds like my parents. Agree that hearing OP has 5 kids changes my initial view of her MIL. Cooking for 7 ppl for 10 days straight is a lot. Very different from say 2 adults and 1-2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember what my mom said when I decided to have a third kid: grandparents are happy to babysit two kids when you have two kids. When you have three kids, grandparents are still happy to babysit two kids.

This cracks me up and sounds like my parents. Agree that hearing OP has 5 kids changes my initial view of her MIL. Cooking for 7 ppl for 10 days straight is a lot. Very different from say 2 adults and 1-2 kids.

Yup. My mom is 62, lifts weights 5x/week because she runs a gym, frankly in better shape than me, and if I tried to show up at her house with my husband and 5 kids she’d throw a handful of takeout menus at me and run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is great. Your ILs suck, sorry. They don't need to be adding to your mental load. Unless they have limited mobility or are still working busy jobs, they should figure this out. I would not bother making this trek to visit them again.

I don't know. I don't think they suck. It isn't a big difference to cook for 2 extra people - but it is for 8! she is cooking for 10 people for each meal. They are also older so it is a lot of work for them and costly. You are visiting for a long time. I would totally expect you to chip in with regard to work and cost.

My dad alone visited for Thanksgiving and helped where he could and we would let him AND he chipped in. And to be honest, when I visit my parents (especially with my sister and her family) NO ONE expects my parents to do everything.

And finally, making meals together is a social event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember what my mom said when I decided to have a third kid: grandparents are happy to babysit two kids when you have two kids. When you have three kids, grandparents are still happy to babysit two kids.

This cracks me up and sounds like my parents. Agree that hearing OP has 5 kids changes my initial view of her MIL. Cooking for 7 ppl for 10 days straight is a lot. Very different from say 2 adults and 1-2 kids.

Plus OP’s SIL also “decided to come” (aka invited herself) with her family. Who knows how many kids there.