Reply to Friends reacting weirdly to divorce

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Friends reacting weirdly to divorce "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics