Does anyone find it difficult to bond with their ILs?

[Anonymous]

My ILs are nice people, but they are so different from me and my family. FIL is very rigid, he is obese and will only eat pig and beef products - no vegetables, pasta and bread. He is constantly in the hospital with heart issues. He also wont walk or do any exercise, and basically cannot sleep bc so large. He is also inflex about most things. MIL does not try to interfere, is very passive. they come to stay with us and always bring their own chairs and a cooler with their own products in it (even though we buy the same products for them). they also always arrive about 4 hours earlier than we have told them to. FIL asks me zero questions and I think has no interest in or idea what i do. When MIL babysits, she comes with FIL who sits in our small apt watching tv, drinking from his cooler and burping and farting. Bc of this, we have stopped asking them to babysit (too much) for the past 4 years. I feel awful about all this. I feel like a better person would not harbor any of these thoughts. And that most ppl who feel conflicted about their families in law have good reason - eg they are super mean. anyone else have similar situation?

[Anonymous]

op - my second q is that I can't understand why FIL is like this. is this depression? something else?

[Anonymous]

What does your spouse think about this behavior?

[Anonymous]

Your FIL is probably neurodivergent - the obesity is a consequence of his rigidity. Let him be. And it's perfectly fine not to bond with certain people, OP. Don't force yourself to invite them or visit them just because they're your husband's parents. I bond with my MIL, but not my late FIL, who had bipolar disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse think about this behavior?

He definitely resists taking about it. He has made several unsuccessful attempts in the past to talk to fil about his health. I don’t talk to him about the other stuff bc I feel like he would be defensive and i feel mean to even notice and think all these things. The one thing I do get openly frustrated about is them arriving 3-4 hours early for things

[Anonymous]

Oh and I should add I don’t get frustrated at them - I just share with my husband that I am frustrated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your FIL is probably neurodivergent - the obesity is a consequence of his rigidity. Let him be. And it's perfectly fine not to bond with certain people, OP. Don't force yourself to invite them or visit them just because they're your husband's parents. I bond with my MIL, but not my late FIL, who had bipolar disorder.

Possibly?
They like to come stay with us every 6 ish weeks, and have us come to various family events regularly - so the option of not socializing is not on the table or mil gets very upset

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your FIL is probably neurodivergent - the obesity is a consequence of his rigidity. Let him be. And it's perfectly fine not to bond with certain people, OP. Don't force yourself to invite them or visit them just because they're your husband's parents. I bond with my MIL, but not my late FIL, who had bipolar disorder.

Possibly?
They like to come stay with us every 6 ish weeks, and have us come to various family events regularly - so the option of not socializing is not on the table or mil gets very upset

PP you replied to. First lesson of the reformed people-pleaser: understand that living your life means displeasing some people. It's fine if your MIL gets very upset. Let her. She needs the socialization, with a husband like that, but you are not her and should not bear her burden. So start by refusing half the invites, and tell her not to come so often. You need to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents smoked my whole lives and it killed my mom at 61. Dad still smokes. I begged them to stop most of my childhood. At some point you just give up but still love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your FIL is probably neurodivergent - the obesity is a consequence of his rigidity. Let him be. And it's perfectly fine not to bond with certain people, OP. Don't force yourself to invite them or visit them just because they're your husband's parents. I bond with my MIL, but not my late FIL, who had bipolar disorder.

Possibly?
They like to come stay with us every 6 ish weeks, and have us come to various family events regularly - so the option of not socializing is not on the table or mil gets very upset

PP you replied to. First lesson of the reformed people-pleaser: understand that living your life means displeasing some people. It's fine if your MIL gets very upset. Let her. She needs the socialization, with a husband like that, but you are not her and should not bear her burden. So start by refusing half the invites, and tell her not to come so often. You need to set boundaries.

Well put!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your FIL is probably neurodivergent - the obesity is a consequence of his rigidity. Let him be. And it's perfectly fine not to bond with certain people, OP. Don't force yourself to invite them or visit them just because they're your husband's parents. I bond with my MIL, but not my late FIL, who had bipolar disorder.

Possibly?
They like to come stay with us every 6 ish weeks, and have us come to various family events regularly - so the option of not socializing is not on the table or mil gets very upset

PP you replied to. First lesson of the reformed people-pleaser: understand that living your life means displeasing some people. It's fine if your MIL gets very upset. Let her. She needs the socialization, with a husband like that, but you are not her and should not bear her burden. So start by refusing half the invites, and tell her not to come so often. You need to set boundaries.

Op - last Christmas I told them to arrive to stay with us at 4p Christmas Eve and mil said they wanted to come earlier. (I specifically said 4 partly bc the kids needed to get out of house and do something at some point and fil doesn’t do things - I didn’t say this but is why). Mil was super annoyed at this boundary and when I asked about it on this site many many people said I was terrible and made ils feel unwelcome by not just saying come whenever you want. So there is a lot of pressure in general/ society to be a much better dil than I really feel able to be. That creates a lot of inner turmoil for me bc tbh I dread their visits, most due to fil

[Anonymous]

Also op - they also have an additional Christmas they insist on holding before real Christmas where everyone opens gifts under tbe tree at their house - bc they used to host Christmas and now we do - even though I told mil her extended family is all welcome to come to us. I guess I get it but things like this make me feel a variety of feelings

[Anonymous]

My ILs are ignorant racists, albeit educated and wealthy. I have no interest in spending much time with them (we have plenty of $ and don’t need theirs, or to listen to the drivel they spew).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your FIL is probably neurodivergent - the obesity is a consequence of his rigidity. Let him be. And it's perfectly fine not to bond with certain people, OP. Don't force yourself to invite them or visit them just because they're your husband's parents. I bond with my MIL, but not my late FIL, who had bipolar disorder.

Possibly?
They like to come stay with us every 6 ish weeks, and have us come to various family events regularly - so the option of not socializing is not on the table or mil gets very upset

PP you replied to. First lesson of the reformed people-pleaser: understand that living your life means displeasing some people. It's fine if your MIL gets very upset. Let her. She needs the socialization, with a husband like that, but you are not her and should not bear her burden. So start by refusing half the invites, and tell her not to come so often. You need to set boundaries.

Op - last Christmas I told them to arrive to stay with us at 4p Christmas Eve and mil said they wanted to come earlier. (I specifically said 4 partly bc the kids needed to get out of house and do something at some point and fil doesn’t do things - I didn’t say this but is why). Mil was super annoyed at this boundary and when I asked about it on this site many many people said I was terrible and made ils feel unwelcome by not just saying come whenever you want. So there is a lot of pressure in general/ society to be a much better dil than I really feel able to be. That creates a lot of inner turmoil for me bc tbh I dread their visits, most due to fil

What? They are very rude to show up so early. This year tell her specifically "We will be out until X time. We will not be home." Take the kids out, lock the door, and leave your DH to deal with them if he wants to. Or just let them sit. They will learn their lesson.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see an issue here. They show up and bring their own cooler of stuff. It doesn’t sound like your FIL is trying to talk to you that much.

I have not had many conversations with my FIL in over 25 years. He’s a nice enough man but if I said I wanted to bond with him he would think I was crazy.

Go about your business if they are coming over. If they show up 4 hours early and you are home, they wait. If you are home, what’s the problem? I wouldn’t think much about this either and I can be a PITA.