How to handle when partner stops planning dates/taking you out

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is a great guy and we see each other 2-3x/week. We're both 40's and have been together 9 months. He was really good about planning dates and making me feel special in the beginning and now it seems that I'm the one doing all the planning and paying for the tickets for whatever we do. If I don't do it, we pretty much sit on the couch and watch a movie every time.

I don't need to go out all the time, but I think one night per week is reasonable. How do I gently get him to start putting in more effort? I'm starting to feel taken for granted.

[Anonymous]

Gently?
Like hints?

Be a grown-up and use your words. “Bob, I’ve got to share something. I’m feeling frustrated and taken for granted. For the past two months, you haven’t planned one date. I’ve made the suggestion, made the reservations, bought tickets, etc. This is different from when we first started dating. What’s going on?”

See what he says. If he gets defensive or says he’s just not into going out, then you have information. You can decide that’s okay or you can decide that’s not enough for you and leave. What you can’t do is stay and wish he would change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is a great guy and we see each other 2-3x/week. We're both 40's and have been together 9 months. He was really good about planning dates and making me feel special in the beginning and now it seems that I'm the one doing all the planning and paying for the tickets for whatever we do. If I don't do it, we pretty much sit on the couch and watch a movie every time.

I don't need to go out all the time, but I think one night per week is reasonable. How do I gently get him to start putting in more effort? I'm starting to feel taken for granted.

We just had a post here from a woman dating a guy in his 40s, with whom she's been together for 9 months, and whom she describes as a "great guy."

Is this you back again, OP? The other thread was about how he openly discusses other women's looks and bodies in front of the OP. If that's you, now you're back worrying about how he USED to make "feel special" and now doesn't--? What about the fact he talks about other women's curves?

If this isn't the same OP as that other thread, your post sounds an awful lot like hers. More than uncannily like hers.

If you're the same OP, I'm not bashing you, I'm asking genuinely and with concern: Why are you trickling out issues separately? Sounds like he's over the initial fun-date phase and either takes you for granted now or is fine with your taking over all planning. But you remain with him after the way he talks about women. What gives, OP? Why so desperate to stay with him? What actually IS "great" about him?

[Anonymous]

You pull back and start planning some fun things with your friends

[Anonymous]

The earlier thread is titled "Great" guy and says:My boyfriend of 9 months (age 40) is extremely kind and caring and always gives me sweet compliments, saying that I'm amazing and beautiful. The only thing is that he comments on other women's looks A LOT, unsolicited. Then that OP says everything else is "perfect" in the relationship. Which it is not, if this is the same OP as in that thread.

On the slim chance you're not also that same OP: Talk. To. Him. Say what you want rather than just gritting your teeth in a grin as you plan another outing. He doesn't value outings and dates for their own sake but was doing them to get you on the hook. Now that you are, he's fine staying home. Many couples, maybe most, cool off on the constant dating thing, which is fine and pretty normal, but you are not happy with it, so speak up. If you feel you cannot speak up or fear doing so will drive him away, then you are not as close to him as you think you are. People who are actually in love and communicate like adults will be able to say what they want without fear of being called insecure, or being left, or being laughed at or brushed off. If you have those concerns, you and he are not a solid couple in the first place.

And...is he still ogling women and commenting about it wtih zero filter?....

[Anonymous]

Plan your own dates, with or without partner

[Anonymous]

If you’re not satisfied 9 months in, the answer seems obvious. Doesn’t mean anyone’s wrong, but you’re not compatible. I would love to be on the couch every night; he seems someone like that. You need someone who likes to take initiative for planning outings a few times a month. Nagging him into submission or you settling for being bored seems so silly when you aren’t married and don’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

How do you get together that often if you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Where’s OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where’s OP?

I'm guessing OP hasn't been back because it got noted that she posted a different thread about this same boyfriend and a different issue (he openly comments to her about other women's bodies, frequently). I hope she's realized they aren't as "together" as she seems to think they are and that instead of posting here, she's figuring out what to do next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where’s OP?

I'm guessing OP hasn't been back because it got noted that she posted a different thread about this same boyfriend and a different issue (he openly comments to her about other women's bodies, frequently). I hope she's realized they aren't as "together" as she seems to think they are and that instead of posting here, she's figuring out what to do next.

They aren't the same person.

[Anonymous]

Who you met was not who he is. This is just starting to trickle out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where’s OP?

I'm guessing OP hasn't been back because it got noted that she posted a different thread about this same boyfriend and a different issue (he openly comments to her about other women's bodies, frequently). I hope she's realized they aren't as "together" as she seems to think they are and that instead of posting here, she's figuring out what to do next.

They aren't the same person.

Are you the OP of this thread? Because OP hasn't come back to say she's not the same person. Not unless you're claiming you're her.

I still think they're the same OP. The boyfriend is "great" in both original posts; he's around 40; they've been dating nine months. The nine months in particular is pretty specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where’s OP?

I'm guessing OP hasn't been back because it got noted that she posted a different thread about this same boyfriend and a different issue (he openly comments to her about other women's bodies, frequently). I hope she's realized they aren't as "together" as she seems to think they are and that instead of posting here, she's figuring out what to do next.

They aren't the same person.

Are you the OP of this thread? Because OP hasn't come back to say she's not the same person. Not unless you're claiming you're her.

I still think they're the same OP. The boyfriend is "great" in both original posts; he's around 40; they've been dating nine months. The nine months in particular is pretty specific.

I'm not the OP. I think the writing sounds different in the original posts. Wasn't she more specific about their ages in the earlier thread? Women always say their bf is "great" and their relationship is "great". Six months and nine months are times which seem to be mileposts on the way to a permanent relationship.

[Anonymous]

Men are dumb and you can’t say it gently because they don’t get it.

“You’ve stopped planning dates and it makes me feel like you don’t care. I plan on going on one date planned by a man each week. I hope that man is you”