No desire to fix sexless marriage, even though I know we must, right?

[Anonymous]

We are mid-40s. Sexless for 3 years (maybe 2-4x a year) and before that, we were once a month on a good month. Been this way for a decade.

It used to be a constant source of frustration. We had many discussions about it. I tried everything I could think of to fix it. I can't count how many times I got my hopes up for some vacation or special occasion, only to face rejection or some half heated "get it over with" vibe.

We have been in marriage counseling for several months, and the counselor has been encouraging us to reestablish physical intimacy. My spouse has raised it recently, and....I just can't. I don't want to now. I still have a healthy sex drive and fantasize and self-care regularly. I just have too much resentment to be intimate with the person whom I feel wasted our prime sexual years and whom I have trained myself to see as non-sexual to spare my own feelings of shame and rejection.

Has anyone actually re-kindled in this situation? I know its not sustainable to be sexless forever. Please be kind.

[Anonymous]

Same exact situation. Wish I had good advice to share. It’s constantly boiling for me right below the surface and makes me resent him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are mid-40s. Sexless for 3 years (maybe 2-4x a year) and before that, we were once a month on a good month. Been this way for a decade.

It used to be a constant source of frustration. We had many discussions about it. I tried everything I could think of to fix it. I can't count how many times I got my hopes up for some vacation or special occasion, only to face rejection or some half heated "get it over with" vibe.

We have been in marriage counseling for several months, and the counselor has been encouraging us to reestablish physical intimacy. My spouse has raised it recently, and....I just can't. I don't want to now. I still have a healthy sex drive and fantasize and self-care regularly. I just have too much resentment to be intimate with the person whom I feel wasted our prime sexual years and whom I have trained myself to see as non-sexual to spare my own feelings of shame and rejection.

Has anyone actually re-kindled in this situation? I know its not sustainable to be sexless forever. Please be kind.

Open your mouth, use your words, say this out loud in a therapy session. You have nothing to lose by being honest in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are mid-40s. Sexless for 3 years (maybe 2-4x a year) and before that, we were once a month on a good month. Been this way for a decade.

It used to be a constant source of frustration. We had many discussions about it. I tried everything I could think of to fix it. I can't count how many times I got my hopes up for some vacation or special occasion, only to face rejection or some half heated "get it over with" vibe.

We have been in marriage counseling for several months, and the counselor has been encouraging us to reestablish physical intimacy. My spouse has raised it recently, and....I just can't. I don't want to now. I still have a healthy sex drive and fantasize and self-care regularly. I just have too much resentment to be intimate with the person whom I feel wasted our prime sexual years and whom I have trained myself to see as non-sexual to spare my own feelings of shame and rejection.

Has anyone actually re-kindled in this situation? I know its not sustainable to be sexless forever. Please be kind.

yes, it can come back full force if it was there before, get in shape, both of you, and start somehow, if it feels good, fireworks at the end, then you’ll want it more and more, or talk trial separation and see if the thought of it doe not make you shiver

[Anonymous]

Was your spouse like this early on? So if you have been pretty much sexless in your 30s, how were the 20s?

[Anonymous]

Let your husband go. He’s tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your spouse like this early on? So if you have been pretty much sexless in your 30s, how were the 20s?

We had a very good sexual connection pre kids. Not the best I ever had but definitely good and satisfying. It all went downhill when the babies and toddler years came. I thought it would get better when the kids got older but it didn't. It's super awkward now

[Anonymous]

You can be sexless forever if both of you agree to it.

We were sexless for 7 years of out 10.

Eventually I (woman) left for reasons other than sexlessness...but I, too, could not have sex with him after other things had happened.

He could have stayed married. I did not want to.

If I was happy, I could have stayed without sex. But I was not happy at all (and it was not just the sexlessness). It was just a mismatch/bad relationship.

It sounds like you had a good connection before.

I am not sure if it can be fixed or not but people don't have to fix sexlessness if the couple agrees on it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just stop the useless drama and resentment. Just bang your husband. It’s insane the amount of overthinking.

[Anonymous]

I have a child with special needs that aren’t immediately obvious on looking at him. You need to do your own work to deal with the feelings of shame and rejection so that you can focus on what’s actually important in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just stop the useless drama and resentment. Just bang your husband. It’s insane the amount of overthinking.

Oh, you’re a teenager. Go away. The adults are talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are mid-40s. Sexless for 3 years (maybe 2-4x a year) and before that, we were once a month on a good month. Been this way for a decade.

It used to be a constant source of frustration. We had many discussions about it. I tried everything I could think of to fix it. I can't count how many times I got my hopes up for some vacation or special occasion, only to face rejection or some half heated "get it over with" vibe.

We have been in marriage counseling for several months, and the counselor has been encouraging us to reestablish physical intimacy. My spouse has raised it recently, and....I just can't. I don't want to now. I still have a healthy sex drive and fantasize and self-care regularly. I just have too much resentment to be intimate with the person whom I feel wasted our prime sexual years and whom I have trained myself to see as non-sexual to spare my own feelings of shame and rejection.

Has anyone actually re-kindled in this situation? I know its not sustainable to be sexless forever. Please be kind.

I feel like your counselor is out of touch and unrealistic. You tried for a decade and your spouse rejected you. Your spouse does not want to have sex. But supposedly now he/she does just because a third party suggested it? Nah. Doesn't work like that. Your spouse just wants to get an A on her homework assignment, but deep down if she/he doesn't desire sex with you, that's gone forever.

And as others have said, that might be fine! Speak up!

[Anonymous]

I always wonder about people who get their hopes up for a vacation, like that is suddenly going to make somebody want to have sex. Unless your environment is the reason your spouse doesn't want to have sex (stress, kids around), a change in environment won't do anything.

+1 that your counselor sucks. That's like a therapist saying "just don't be depressed!"

I totally agree that you need to do your own work to deal with feelings of shame and rejection. I would go to individual therapy for that (although hopefully you'd get a good therapist this time).

DH and I weren't sexless for that long (or maybe not even technically sexless) but we did have that dynamic of me not wanting to have sex, him feeling rejected, and over time him not wanting to have sex because he was resentful. I am not sure what changed but I think:

1. My getting fed up with his neglect of the relationship and demanding that he go on dates with me (which I hated, it seemed pathetic to demand somebody spend time with you when they do'nt want to spend time with you, but I wasn't going to be content with an emotionally disconnected marriage). Eventually he was nicer to me and we did get emotionally closer.

2. I had a change in circumstances that led to my feeling better about my own life and reduced some of my depression.

3. He sincerely apologized for some of the more hurtful things he said during our conversations around sex and during that time generally.

4. I read come as you are and learned to guide sex so that it would be a more pleasurable experience for me.

It's going to be different for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just stop the useless drama and resentment. Just bang your husband. It’s insane the amount of overthinking.

Oh, you’re a teenager. Go away. The adults are talking.

I agree with the poster that says, just bang your husband. Sometimes when one person shows they are willing to get back on the saddle, the other isn't far behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wonder about people who get their hopes up for a vacation, like that is suddenly going to make somebody want to have sex. Unless your environment is the reason your spouse doesn't want to have sex (stress, kids around), a change in environment won't do anything.

+1 that your counselor sucks. That's like a therapist saying "just don't be depressed!"

I totally agree that you need to do your own work to deal with feelings of shame and rejection. I would go to individual therapy for that (although hopefully you'd get a good therapist this time).

DH and I weren't sexless for that long (or maybe not even technically sexless) but we did have that dynamic of me not wanting to have sex, him feeling rejected, and over time him not wanting to have sex because he was resentful. I am not sure what changed but I think:

1. My getting fed up with his neglect of the relationship and demanding that he go on dates with me (which I hated, it seemed pathetic to demand somebody spend time with you when they do'nt want to spend time with you, but I wasn't going to be content with an emotionally disconnected marriage). Eventually he was nicer to me and we did get emotionally closer.

2. I had a change in circumstances that led to my feeling better about my own life and reduced some of my depression.

3. He sincerely apologized for some of the more hurtful things he said during our conversations around sex and during that time generally.

4. I read come as you are and learned to guide sex so that it would be a more pleasurable experience for me.

It's going to be different for everyone.

NP but thank you for this. You are definitely describing our dynamic. I know DH wants to make it work but a huge problem for me is that when we initiate intimacy, I just do not feel seen in the process at all— it always feels like it’s entirely about him “finally” getting what he wants. It’s not a dynamic that makes me feel sexual or desired— it makes me feel put upon and oddly ignored.

I have been wondering about come as you are, thanks for the rec. We used to have a great sex life pre-kids but it has just never recovered and things that never bothered me at all before kids will now totally kill my interest. It’s been so hard to navigate.