Reply to No desire to fix sexless marriage, even though I know we must, right?

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Reply to "No desire to fix sexless marriage, even though I know we must, right?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I always wonder about people who get their hopes up for a vacation, like that is suddenly going to make somebody want to have sex. Unless your environment is the reason your spouse doesn't want to have sex (stress, kids around), a change in environment won't do anything.

+1 that your counselor sucks. That's like a therapist saying "just don't be depressed!"

I totally agree that you need to do your own work to deal with feelings of shame and rejection. I would go to individual therapy for that (although hopefully you'd get a good therapist this time).

DH and I weren't sexless for that long (or maybe not even technically sexless) but we did have that dynamic of me not wanting to have sex, him feeling rejected, and over time him not wanting to have sex because he was resentful. I am not sure what changed but I think:

1. My getting fed up with his neglect of the relationship and demanding that he go on dates with me (which I hated, it seemed pathetic to demand somebody spend time with you when they do'nt want to spend time with you, but I wasn't going to be content with an emotionally disconnected marriage). Eventually he was nicer to me and we did get emotionally closer.

2. I had a change in circumstances that led to my feeling better about my own life and reduced some of my depression.

3. He sincerely apologized for some of the more hurtful things he said during our conversations around sex and during that time generally.

4. I read come as you are and learned to guide sex so that it would be a more pleasurable experience for me.

It's going to be different for everyone. [/quote]

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