No desire to fix sexless marriage, even though I know we must, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wonder about people who get their hopes up for a vacation, like that is suddenly going to make somebody want to have sex. Unless your environment is the reason your spouse doesn't want to have sex (stress, kids around), a change in environment won't do anything.

+1 that your counselor sucks. That's like a therapist saying "just don't be depressed!"

I totally agree that you need to do your own work to deal with feelings of shame and rejection. I would go to individual therapy for that (although hopefully you'd get a good therapist this time).

DH and I weren't sexless for that long (or maybe not even technically sexless) but we did have that dynamic of me not wanting to have sex, him feeling rejected, and over time him not wanting to have sex because he was resentful. I am not sure what changed but I think:

1. My getting fed up with his neglect of the relationship and demanding that he go on dates with me (which I hated, it seemed pathetic to demand somebody spend time with you when they do'nt want to spend time with you, but I wasn't going to be content with an emotionally disconnected marriage). Eventually he was nicer to me and we did get emotionally closer.

2. I had a change in circumstances that led to my feeling better about my own life and reduced some of my depression.

3. He sincerely apologized for some of the more hurtful things he said during our conversations around sex and during that time generally.

4. I read come as you are and learned to guide sex so that it would be a more pleasurable experience for me.

It's going to be different for everyone.

NP but thank you for this. You are definitely describing our dynamic. I know DH wants to make it work but a huge problem for me is that when we initiate intimacy, I just do not feel seen in the process at all— it always feels like it’s entirely about him “finally” getting what he wants. It’s not a dynamic that makes me feel sexual or desired— it makes me feel put upon and oddly ignored.

I have been wondering about come as you are, thanks for the rec. We used to have a great sex life pre-kids but it has just never recovered and things that never bothered me at all before kids will now totally kill my interest. It’s been so hard to navigate.

The part where you’re feeling left out of the process during sex is mostly a lack of resource issue and will likely get better when your frequency goes up, he’s been walking through a desert, of course he is going to pound that gallon of water as fast as he can.
You mentioned that you used to have a great sex life so maybe suggesting doing some of the things you used to do can rewrite your current script.

[Anonymous]

I would maybe ask your couples therapist for a recommendation for a sex therapist. Most couples therapists aren’t actually trained in sex therapy and it sounds like sex therapy would be a good compliment to what you’re already doing.

[Anonymous]

It depends on what underlying issues are turning you off. You really have nothing to lose by being very honest in counseling, and more importantly one-on-one with your husband. Coming out of a dry spell, a rough patch, or in your case years of little or no sex is going to be difficult. Is there ANY way you (yes!) can just "bang your husband"... get the ball rolling. The inertia of no sex and resentment is tough. One of you HAS to make the first move, the initiation, the olive branch. It will be awkward. But you still clearly do both have a sex drive. It's not hopeless.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way, man age 47. Too many years of sexual rejection and I cant bring myself to desire my wife.

[Anonymous]

No, you do not need to have sex with your spouse! Just accept that he will be getting it someplace else.