are teenage boys particularly jerkish about girls these days?

[Anonymous]

I have 16-17 year old g/b twins in NW DC/close-in Bethesda.
My kids have friends across public/private/Catholic.

My daughter has a tight group of friends (6) and none of them have ever dated. They find that the boys are only interested in a select type of girls.
My daughter and her friends are pretty, sporty, stylish, slim, smart. What they aren't are popular and they're not the types to post bikini shots on Instagram.

They receive next to no interest from boys. For some time this seemed awesome (who needs boys?) but now I find myself feeling a bit sad for them. It feels
(maybe I'm wrong) that girls have to really sell themselves these days to get the attention of ANY boys. All the boys are clamoring over the same circle of girls
(the popular 10 or so from each high school and they all know each other from Instagram) and the rest receive no attention. This transcends schools (these are boys from Catholic/public/private). My son and his friends are guilty of it as well which makes it worse. They turn up their noses (and basically lead on and then make fun of) other girls.
It's horrible and I've had long talks to him about it. Many long talks.

Anyone else notice this dynamic? It doesn't feel like it was this way when I was growing up. Boys were less picky and less a$$holish about girls.

[Anonymous]

Same thing that I've observed. But it goes in both directions. Basically, everyone wants to date the popular kids.

[Anonymous]

Those boys will grow up and realize the bikini girls are vapid and promoting nothing about themselves other than their looks.

And your girls will find boys who are less shallow eventually. They exist.

[Anonymous]

I was a teen in the late 1990’s/early 2000’s and this doesn’t sound that different from what I experienced.

There were a group of beautiful popular girls everyone wanted to date and most others didn’t really date. Maybe there would 10-20% of the high school who dated outside of these popular kids. Then that left 80% of students who didn’t date in high school.

Many people I knew started dating after they graduated and went to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a teen in the late 1990’s/early 2000’s and this doesn’t sound that different from what I experienced.

There were a group of beautiful popular girls everyone wanted to date and most others didn’t really date. Maybe there would 10-20% of the high school who dated outside of these popular kids. Then that left 80% of students who didn’t date in high school.

Many people I knew started dating after they graduated and went to college.

OP here. Interesting. But did this 80% go to college having never kissed the opposite sex? Cause this is what I'm talking about.
Totally fine but not what I experienced (1992 high school grad). I was not popular per say but there were plenty of guys (even quite attractive ones) that would give
my friends and I the time of day (from kissing to taking us to prom and on and on.
Now iI feel like it's 10-20 girls per high school are popular and the rest are ignored. At least that is what I'm seeing. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a teen in the late 1990’s/early 2000’s and this doesn’t sound that different from what I experienced.

There were a group of beautiful popular girls everyone wanted to date and most others didn’t really date. Maybe there would 10-20% of the high school who dated outside of these popular kids. Then that left 80% of students who didn’t date in high school.

Many people I knew started dating after they graduated and went to college.

I was a teen in the mid to late 90s, and while the percentage outside of the popular kids was a little higher than that, it was the same concept. The popular kids all dated each other at some point, some people outside of that group dated, and lots of people never had a boyfriend/girlfriend until after high school.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter and her friends should count themselves lucky. Who wants to do date an insecure boy pining after a “popular” girl. BUT, I get how that’s disappointing to your daughters’ friends…it’s fun to have boys to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a teen in the late 1990’s/early 2000’s and this doesn’t sound that different from what I experienced.

There were a group of beautiful popular girls everyone wanted to date and most others didn’t really date. Maybe there would 10-20% of the high school who dated outside of these popular kids. Then that left 80% of students who didn’t date in high school.

Many people I knew started dating after they graduated and went to college.

OP here. Interesting. But did this 80% go to college having never kissed the opposite sex? Cause this is what I'm talking about.
Totally fine but not what I experienced (1992 high school grad). I was not popular per say but there were plenty of guys (even quite attractive ones) that would give
my friends and I the time of day (from kissing to taking us to prom and on and on.
Now iI feel like it's 10-20 girls per high school are popular and the rest are ignored. At least that is what I'm seeing. Sigh.

I went to high school in the 80s, and what you’re describing was typical then too. There’s a reason John Hughes movies were so popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a teen in the late 1990’s/early 2000’s and this doesn’t sound that different from what I experienced.

There were a group of beautiful popular girls everyone wanted to date and most others didn’t really date. Maybe there would 10-20% of the high school who dated outside of these popular kids. Then that left 80% of students who didn’t date in high school.

Many people I knew started dating after they graduated and went to college.

OP here. Interesting. But did this 80% go to college having never kissed the opposite sex? Cause this is what I'm talking about.
Totally fine but not what I experienced (1992 high school grad). I was not popular per say but there were plenty of guys (even quite attractive ones) that would give
my friends and I the time of day (from kissing to taking us to prom and on and on.
Now iI feel like it's 10-20 girls per high school are popular and the rest are ignored. At least that is what I'm seeing. Sigh.

I was a pretty, sporty girl in the 1990s who didn’t date until college. I was not popular, but always had good friends. Most of my friends didn’t date, either. Only the popular girls did, really.

My son is a perfectly fine looking 16 year old, tall, athletic, funny, lots of friends, and he’s been on one date. I have never heard him say anything unkind about a girl, and the one time I asked him if the girl he likes was pretty he told me that was a objectifying, Boomer thing to ask.

I think you may actually have been one of the popular girls and didn’t know it!

[Anonymous]

Serious question....Why do you want your D to date? Unfortunately--IMO, YMMV--"dating among those 16 and 17 usually involves sex. Thanks...but I don't think that having sex at 16 or 17 is all that great for girls or boys, but especially for girls.

Time was when most educated MC and UMC people met their spouse in college and married soon afterwards. That's no longer the case. The median age of marriage creeps ever upward. So, I kind of think that having your first date at 20 if you don't plan to marry until you're at least 27 or so and don't want to have children for 3-5 years later is entirely reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter and her friends should count themselves lucky. Who wants to do date an insecure boy pining after a “popular” girl. BUT, I get how that’s disappointing to your daughters’ friends…it’s fun to have boys to hang out with.

Really? How many 16/17 year old girls or boys are not insecure. You think girls do not chase the popular boys? Do you think these teenage girls are insecure losers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 16-17 year old g/b twins in NW DC/close-in Bethesda.
My kids have friends across public/private/Catholic.

My daughter has a tight group of friends (6) and none of them have ever dated. They find that the boys are only interested in a select type of girls.
My daughter and her friends are pretty, sporty, stylish, slim, smart. What they aren't are popular and they're not the types to post bikini shots on Instagram.

They receive next to no interest from boys. For some time this seemed awesome (who needs boys?) but now I find myself feeling a bit sad for them. It feels
(maybe I'm wrong) that girls have to really sell themselves these days to get the attention of ANY boys. All the boys are clamoring over the same circle of girls
(the popular 10 or so from each high school and they all know each other from Instagram) and the rest receive no attention. This transcends schools (these are boys from Catholic/public/private). My son and his friends are guilty of it as well which makes it worse. They turn up their noses (and basically lead on and then make fun of) other girls.
It's horrible and I've had long talks to him about it. Many long talks.

Anyone else notice this dynamic? It doesn't feel like it was this way when I was growing up. Boys were less picky and less a$$holish about girls.

I am sure there are boys who are interested in them but they are not the popular boys your dd is interested in. Do not believe what they are selling. It’s a bunch of teenagers who have been in pandemic isolation for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 16-17 year old g/b twins in NW DC/close-in Bethesda.
My kids have friends across public/private/Catholic.

My daughter has a tight group of friends (6) and none of them have ever dated. They find that the boys are only interested in a select type of girls.
My daughter and her friends are pretty, sporty, stylish, slim, smart. What they aren't are popular and they're not the types to post bikini shots on Instagram.

They receive next to no interest from boys. For some time this seemed awesome (who needs boys?) but now I find myself feeling a bit sad for them. It feels
(maybe I'm wrong) that girls have to really sell themselves these days to get the attention of ANY boys. All the boys are clamoring over the same circle of girls
(the popular 10 or so from each high school and they all know each other from Instagram) and the rest receive no attention. This transcends schools (these are boys from Catholic/public/private). My son and his friends are guilty of it as well which makes it worse. They turn up their noses (and basically lead on and then make fun of) other girls.
It's horrible and I've had long talks to him about it. Many long talks.

Anyone else notice this dynamic? It doesn't feel like it was this way when I was growing up. Boys were less picky and less a$$holish about girls.

I am sure there are boys who are interested in them but they are not the popular boys your dd is interested in. Do not believe what they are selling. It’s a bunch of teenagers who have been in pandemic isolation for a few years.

Yes! But I remember back in the 90’s, most of us dated, the boys were still jerks.

[Anonymous]

Not much you can do about the other boys, but you need to call out your son's obnoxious behavior. It's fine if he only wants to date the popular girls, but leading on and making fun of other girls is rude and obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pp. Your DD and her friends are interested in the popular boys, who are interested in the popular girls.

Don’t fret - college will straighten all of this out. An upside is that your DD will be more sure of herself at 18+.