I cannot get over my yearning for one more baby

[Anonymous]

We have three - 12, 10, and 7. I always wanted four, and my yearnings come in waves. I thought by now they'd be gone, but probably more prominent than ever for some reason. The main reason for not wanting another is my advanced age (42) and the fact that my other pregnancies have been stressful (after my first kid was born prematurely). The reasons for the prematurity were ultimately undetermined, and unlikely to reoccur, but I'd still have anxiety, I'm sure.

I don't know what I'm looking for here; I just feel so sad about this lately. Is that just a normal feeling that will eventually go away, or will I regret this forever?

[Anonymous]

One more and I’d say that’s tacky breeding.

[Anonymous]

No, OP, just no. You're more than just a mommy. And you're too friggin' old anyway.

[Anonymous]

I had wanted 4 as well and for a multitude of reason it's not happening. The yearning does fade but it may always sort of be lingering there under the surface. You may have a thought of "I really wanted a fourth and didn't have one" every now and again but as time goes on it's left often. I have a big gap between my 2nd and third and realizing I will be in my 50s when littlest graduates high school when a lot of women I know will already be empty nesters seems daunting.

[Anonymous]

I mean, that's why I wound up with four. But to be fair, I was ten years younger than you and had really easy pregnancies and deliveries. I was that person who came home from the hospital and made soup for everyone coming over to see us.

[Anonymous]

God, these nasty DCUM harpies. Sorry about the gross PPs, OP. Yes, you're probably feeling these waves more strongly now because you know you're approaching the end of your fertile years, plus you're mourning a vision of what you wanted for your life since you say you always wanted four kids. And yes, I think in time this will lessen as you come to accept it, although you may always have some wistfulness. It's ok to grieve for lost possibilities. Be gentle with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, these nasty DCUM harpies. Sorry about the gross PPs, OP. Yes, you're probably feeling these waves more strongly now because you know you're approaching the end of your fertile years, plus you're mourning a vision of what you wanted for your life since you say you always wanted four kids. And yes, I think in time this will lessen as you come to accept it, although you may always have some wistfulness. It's ok to grieve for lost possibilities. Be gentle with yourself.

These women on here with calling everyone harpies.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. I’m one of four and always (always.) have wanted four as well - people told me it would change once I had kids but it hasn’t. We have fertility issues and I’m not sure it’s going to happen, and it’s hard

[Anonymous]

I also get it. I adopted and did foster care to adopt with older kids so it wouldnt be hard to jump back in and have another older child. I don’t because it would ruin my marriage (which is excellent but spouse has a strong desire for no more kids)and because it would affect what I can offer the kids I have. Still i look for those baby fixes and i always seem to have more kids around than belong to me. I’m increasing my kid related volunteering this year. It’s not meant to be but it’s hard to move on.

[Anonymous]

Focus on the future. If you don't have more kids, in 11 years or so, you'll be an empty nester at a pretty young age. How is your marriage? Do you have friends? Do you have a career you like? Any hobbies?

Maybe you can retire on the younger side and travel. That sounds wonderful to me. There are so many places I want to go.

Maybe you'd rather just be around for your adult kids and able to see them often--travel to wherever they wind up living, help them out if/when they have kids of their own and be a youngish grandparent.

If you have a baby now, you'll probably not be able to retire until later, you'll be extending the time you will be raising kids at least another 8 years beyond what you currently have. I mean, I love being a parent, I love raising my kids. I'm not in any hurry for my kids to grow up. But I also look forward to those empty nester-retired-grandparent years to come. I think if you have a 4th child now, you'll retire later, be an empty nester later, not be able to travel as much in your retirement years (because you'll be older and broker, with more adult kids to potentially visit and/or support even) and generally not have as much freedom to enjoy that era of your life.

Plus, do you really want to bring kids into the world right now? I mean...I love my kids immensely and am so glad they're here and would always choose to have them again if I had to start over. BUT, it's really not a great time to have kids in many ways...our society is crumbling, our planet is dying, things are always just getting worse--politically, socially, environmentally, economically...

[Anonymous]

I wanted 4, but never got pregnant after the 3rd which were very easy.. With I had seen doctor for fertility issue. I was in my late 30s.

[Anonymous]

College move in at 61? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

I love kids and I love babies. And I was sad when my own babies were no longer babies, and would have loved (and would still love) a time machine to go back and visit with those babies again.

That is not the same thing as just continuing to have babies as long as I possibly can. I want to be the best mom that I can be to the children that I already have, and while siblings are great, every additional child takes away time and attention given to each child, each adult, the marriage, the extended family, etc. There is only so much time in the day. The children I have and the husband that I have deserve as much attention as they can get - and continuing to have more kids would not have been fair, in my personal opinion.

[Anonymous]

Same here, OP. I'm 42, my first was a 32 week preemie, I nearly died during the birth of my second child, and I miscarried the third just this year.

Sigh. I want another wiggly bundle of joy.

[Anonymous]

Is it the baby stage that you're yearning for? The way a newborn naturally cradles in your arms, the way a baby gives you a gummy smile, the way a toddler wraps their little hands around your neck?

I have baby fever too (mine are 11, 13, 15)...i think it might be the peri-menopausal hormones (how ironic) (I'm 44 yr old), but yeah, maybe bc dealing with tweens is hard and I want back the days when they were little and things were simple.