I feel like my relationship with my kid's IEP team often become adversarial

[Anonymous]

I tend to be a bit assertive, and I have a bit of a "mama bear" that comes out during IEP meetings and when I'm otherwise advocating for my kid.

What tips do you have to try to make the relationship as smooth and as collaborative as possible? Does anyone have a good relationship with their kids' IEP team, and if so, to what do you attribute that?

[Anonymous]

I always had a good relationship with my sons IEP teams. I attribute it to a lot of work on my part and a recognition that at least most people cared that my son succeed and no one wanted him to fail. I was always prepared for meetings which was a lot of work.

I understood my sons needs really well and recognized that the school couldn’t fix him and that not everything I wanted for him was possible. I also recognized that not everything had to be done now - some goals could wait.

I advocated but never crossed the line into disrespectful. I did my part in that when he needed extra services I got them and I worked with him at home. I stayed very involved with the school and people who taught and supported my son. I recognized that they were the experts in education, not me but I knew my son better than they did - we brought different things to the table.

I didn’t spend too much time on form over substance, like arguing about how the goal was written. What mattered was what they were going to do to get my son to the next level so I was more interested in the interventions.

In the end my son got everything he needed including a special placement, 1:1services and a HS diploma. I have always been grateful to everyone who was a part of making that happen and I made sure they knew how much I appreciated them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always had a good relationship with my sons IEP teams. I attribute it to a lot of work on my part and a recognition that at least most people cared that my son succeed and no one wanted him to fail. I was always prepared for meetings which was a lot of work.

I understood my sons needs really well and recognized that the school couldn’t fix him and that not everything I wanted for him was possible. I also recognized that not everything had to be done now - some goals could wait.

I advocated but never crossed the line into disrespectful. I did my part in that when he needed extra services I got them and I worked with him at home. I stayed very involved with the school and people who taught and supported my son. I recognized that they were the experts in education, not me but I knew my son better than they did - we brought different things to the table.

I didn’t spend too much time on form over substance, like arguing about how the goal was written. What mattered was what they were going to do to get my son to the next level so I was more interested in the interventions.

In the end my son got everything he needed including a special placement, 1:1services and a HS diploma. I have always been grateful to everyone who was a part of making that happen and I made sure they knew how much I appreciated them.

As someone who is part of an IEP team, I appreciate this post so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always had a good relationship with my sons IEP teams. I attribute it to a lot of work on my part and a recognition that at least most people cared that my son succeed and no one wanted him to fail. I was always prepared for meetings which was a lot of work.

I understood my sons needs really well and recognized that the school couldn’t fix him and that not everything I wanted for him was possible. I also recognized that not everything had to be done now - some goals could wait.

I advocated but never crossed the line into disrespectful. I did my part in that when he needed extra services I got them and I worked with him at home. I stayed very involved with the school and people who taught and supported my son. I recognized that they were the experts in education, not me but I knew my son better than they did - we brought different things to the table.

I didn’t spend too much time on form over substance, like arguing about how the goal was written. What mattered was what they were going to do to get my son to the next level so I was more interested in the interventions.

In the end my son got everything he needed including a special placement, 1:1services and a HS diploma. I have always been grateful to everyone who was a part of making that happen and I made sure they knew how much I appreciated them.

This feels like astroturfing. Are you a school employee? MCPS and other large districts actively try - in some schools - to prevent IEP goals from being fulfilled for many reasons, often based on promotion goals. (My conjecture). MCPS spends millions every year fighting families with outside counsel who have kids on IEPs. If you are a real person I’m glad you found that perfect balance between being assertive and kind for your child. I doubt very much this perfect balance actually exists. I think both the suggestion to ‘push’ and the suggestion to ‘get along’ is pretty much a Hobson’s choice in a place like MCPS. It’s why we left. There are other districts where this can happen but you’ve got to find the right culture. It does not exist in certain school districts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always had a good relationship with my sons IEP teams. I attribute it to a lot of work on my part and a recognition that at least most people cared that my son succeed and no one wanted him to fail. I was always prepared for meetings which was a lot of work.

I understood my sons needs really well and recognized that the school couldn’t fix him and that not everything I wanted for him was possible. I also recognized that not everything had to be done now - some goals could wait.

I advocated but never crossed the line into disrespectful. I did my part in that when he needed extra services I got them and I worked with him at home. I stayed very involved with the school and people who taught and supported my son. I recognized that they were the experts in education, not me but I knew my son better than they did - we brought different things to the table.

I didn’t spend too much time on form over substance, like arguing about how the goal was written. What mattered was what they were going to do to get my son to the next level so I was more interested in the interventions.

In the end my son got everything he needed including a special placement, 1:1services and a HS diploma. I have always been grateful to everyone who was a part of making that happen and I made sure they knew how much I appreciated them.

This feels like astroturfing. Are you a school employee? MCPS and other large districts actively try - in some schools - to prevent IEP goals from being fulfilled for many reasons, often based on promotion goals. (My conjecture). MCPS spends millions every year fighting families with outside counsel who have kids on IEPs. If you are a real person I’m glad you found that perfect balance between being assertive and kind for your child. I doubt very much this perfect balance actually exists. I think both the suggestion to ‘push’ and the suggestion to ‘get along’ is pretty much a Hobson’s choice in a place like MCPS. It’s why we left. There are other districts where this can happen but you’ve got to find the right culture. It does not exist in certain school districts.

There will always be that poster who accuses anyone who has had a good experience of being a MCPS employee. I am not. I am a MCPS parent and I do not see the school system through your eyes. Some of us (and probably most of us) know or learn how to be a productive member of the IEP team and how to make sure our kids get what they need.

I do think that some parents want more from the school than the law provides - which is why the school systems are generally successful in challenges. And I am one of those parents. But I didn’t expect the school to do it all. I did expect that my son would get the education to which he was entitled and MCPS did not disappoint me or my son.

[Anonymous]

I am a parent in FCPS and my IEP team in elementary was incompetent and failed my child at every chance they could. It was not complicated services or accommodations. Our relationship was terrible but they weren’t even trying to help. MS and HS were totally different and while I am still not trusting- everyone is pleasant and does what they say they are going to do.

So adversarial doesn’t always fall on the parent. And sometimes it is the only way to get anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always had a good relationship with my sons IEP teams. I attribute it to a lot of work on my part and a recognition that at least most people cared that my son succeed and no one wanted him to fail. I was always prepared for meetings which was a lot of work.

I understood my sons needs really well and recognized that the school couldn’t fix him and that not everything I wanted for him was possible. I also recognized that not everything had to be done now - some goals could wait.

I advocated but never crossed the line into disrespectful. I did my part in that when he needed extra services I got them and I worked with him at home. I stayed very involved with the school and people who taught and supported my son. I recognized that they were the experts in education, not me but I knew my son better than they did - we brought different things to the table.

I didn’t spend too much time on form over substance, like arguing about how the goal was written. What mattered was what they were going to do to get my son to the next level so I was more interested in the interventions.

In the end my son got everything he needed including a special placement, 1:1services and a HS diploma. I have always been grateful to everyone who was a part of making that happen and I made sure they knew how much I appreciated them.

You have written this much better than I could. I have a good working relationship with my sons IEP team. It is not adversarial. As you said everyone at the table brings different strengths and insights. I don’t expect the school to do it all alone. I recognize that there is a finite amount of resources and my kid will not get everything I want for him. But so far MCPS has done a great job with my kid.

[Anonymous]

My child has fairly minor needs (mainstreamed) so I imagine that relationship is simpler because we aren’t asking for as much, but I try to notice and appreciate people when they do well. Thankfully so far that’s been both lead teachers and both special educators for the most part. When there is an issue I try to offer ideas but also ask what I can do to support my child and the team at home. We also pay for one private service, which the school simply is not up for providing. I’m grateful that we can do that. Schools are not equipped to do everything.

Try to keep calm and if you say something you regret or in a way you regret it apologize. But don’t apologize for asking for what your child needs.

[Anonymous]

I tried not to direct any negative comments to the staff who actually provide instruction and services (teachers and specialists) and to the extent the “team” stonewalled (which they did), challenge the administration (principal/vice principal and/or central office (specialized instruction) attendees since the administration really drives the decisions and warrant being challenged as necessary.

[Anonymous]

I also have a good relationship with my kids’ IEP teams. I bring in our psychologist if we are really pushing for new stuff so I’m not the bad guy. The biggest thing is to show that you are a team. I’m always available for my kids and have had times where I’ve been at school daily to give sensory when the OT was out, etc. Ask for what your kid needs but also show that you are doing all you can with the best providers and you’re not expecting school to fix everything. And I’m a DCPS and a charter school parent.

[Anonymous]

I found some "phrases" helped.

But it is so dam hard when the IEP (administrative) team is out right misleading you.
Examples we faced included ....
We can't do an evaluation now (April) as it is the end of the school year and we do not have the resources. [delayed getting services for about 6 months]
We did not have an advocate and was told that 60 minutes a week of specialized instruction was the most they could offer. I spoke with a friend with a child with a similar profile who was getting 5 hours a week.
I can go on and on. It should not be that you need to hire outside experts (pay to play) to get your child the services that they need.

Here is the link to the phrases that helped take the temperature down in meetings: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/10-defusing-phrases-to-use-at-iep-meetings

I had these on post-its to help remind me to use them

[Anonymous]

I've had 13 IEP meetings for DS from K to 11th grade.
They've occurred at 3 different schools.

I've had nothing but positive interactions with the IEP teams, as well as in communications throughout the years.

Three reasons:

1. It's a fact-driven analysis. You can use emotion to tug at the heartstrings, but at the end of the day, the team will look at the facts and the numbers. And that's as it should be. As a research scientist, I fully approve.

2. Get the facts to speak for you. Gather data. Present it clearly. If you can afford it, get Stixrud or other reputable psychology office to evaluate your child and send a full report, written in language your school system understands (very important), to have the weight of credible experts on your side.

3. Don't ask for anything the data does not support. It makes you look greedy and unreasonable, and credibility is very important in this game. Stay aware that there are only so much resources to go around, and plenty of other needy kids at the school.

4. Sometimes a child needs significantly more than the school can provide (this is different from the necessary support families provide to their children regardless of what they receive at school). Private placements are expensive and rare, but you can fight for it. Families also end up homeschooling or finding smaller educational settings for their kids.

[Anonymous]

OK, 4 reasons

[Anonymous]

Retired special educator here. I worked positively with so many families. Then there were the parents who wanted their child to receive every accommodation in the book, which were all not warranted. One family made a big fuss about the kid needing headphones to block out sound, but the kid never used them in class and said he didn’t want them. He had great behavior and solid grades.

I was in some IEPs where the advocate came loaded for bear and seemed to think we were put to cheat the family, and I knew several advocates who kept mentioning their own, severely impacted, children, whose needs were much different than the child’s in question.

I have also seen situations where admin absolutely denied services or met ahead of time to say what they were going to agree in the IEP. The teachers really have little recourse here, if they want to save their jobs. Your best bet, if you have a difficult situation, is to insist on the district special ed representative attending the meeting, and then appealing up the chain.

Presume positive intent, and be clear and respectful as you appeal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Retired special educator here. I worked positively with so many families. Then there were the parents who wanted their child to receive every accommodation in the book, which were all not warranted. One family made a big fuss about the kid needing headphones to block out sound, but the kid never used them in class and said he didn’t want them. He had great behavior and solid grades.

I was in some IEPs where the advocate came loaded for bear and seemed to think we were put to cheat the family, and I knew several advocates who kept mentioning their own, severely impacted, children, whose needs were much different than the child’s in question.

I have also seen situations where admin absolutely denied services or met ahead of time to say what they were going to agree in the IEP. The teachers really have little recourse here, if they want to save their jobs. Your best bet, if you have a difficult situation, is to insist on the district special ed representative attending the meeting, and then appealing up the chain.

Presume positive intent, and be clear and respectful as you appeal.

This is illegal - and as an observer of this there should be a process to be a Whistle Blower. This clearly happens at our school because the special education teachers are silent when asked a question about their experiences.