Help me not be an a@&hole to grieving MIL

[Anonymous]

DH’s stepfather recently died after a long illness. My ILs have never had much money, and over the years, we’ve helped them out in small amounts, never expecting to be paid back. Unsurprisingly, we were asked to help pay for FIL’s funeral arrangements. We offered to transfer the money to MIL’s account through Zelle, and she refused, fearing “online hackers” and asked DH to overnight a check instead. To overnight a check was ridiculously expensive. DH was annoyed, but he has no backbone when it comes to his mother. I was also annoyed, but said nothing further to DH as I know he’s experiencing his own grief. It was just so stupid and wasteful. I also suspect (fear) that this is the beginning of us having to subsidize MIL’s life with FIL now gone, and given DH’s tendency to do anything MIL wants, we will face similar issues in the future.

MIL has always been extremely controlling and stuck in antiquated ways of doing things. I’m focused on being supportive to the family, and will never bring up this incident, but need to move on from it. Help me see things differently.

[Anonymous]

This is a non-event. So your MIL asked that a check be sent overnight. SO WHAT. This is an "incident" that you "won't ever bring up" and need to "move on from"??

Wow. Get some perspective, OP.

[Anonymous]

Old people are TERRIFIED of online money. I have a good relationship with my MIL and am on all her bank accounts. I set up online banking so I wouldn’t have to go into the branch and she freaked the F out calling me sobbing saying she trusts me but not all the hackers and she worked all her life for that money, etc. I don’t have the heart to tell her the info is all online at the bank whether I log in or not. Anyway it’s generational. Let it go.

As for the future. Talk to your DH and set up boundaries for sure and a budget if needed and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

You can do a wire transfer from your account to someone else's account, even if from different banks. I can do it on my bank's app (I have Wells Fargo). Seems like it would be a much quicker way to get money.

Sorry for your loss. Sorry the MIL is causing you stress. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old people are TERRIFIED of online money. I have a good relationship with my MIL and am on all her bank accounts. I set up online banking so I wouldn’t have to go into the branch and she freaked the F out calling me sobbing saying she trusts me but not all the hackers and she worked all her life for that money, etc. I don’t have the heart to tell her the info is all online at the bank whether I log in or not. Anyway it’s generational. Let it go.

As for the future. Talk to your DH and set up boundaries for sure and a budget if needed and stick to it.

Yes, this. But I would rather have parents terrified of online money then vulnerable to scammers.

[Anonymous]

To over night a check via FEDEX us like $35? And you acting like this. Get it over it. You sound ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn’t want to you to send money over Zelle, maybe ask her directly which bill she wants paid and then you call the company and put it on your credit card…not that this is your responsibility or solves tomorrow’s problem, but overnighting a check is a waste of time and money.

[Anonymous]

I would relent because this is tied to the burial of her husband. After a few months have gone by, *DH* says:

“Mom, when we send you money in the future, it will need to be by regular check, or I can send it through Venmo or Zelle. I will no longer be doing overnight checks, even in emergencies. Let me know if you want me to help you set up Zelle or Venmo. Otherwise, be sure you are building up your cash savings. Because I will no longer be overnighting checks.”

[Anonymous]

As long as your DH overnighted the check, I would just let it go and deal with it next time. She gets a lot of Grace because of the death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would relent because this is tied to the burial of her husband. After a few months have gone by, *DH* says:

“Mom, when we send you money in the future, it will need to be by regular check, or I can send it through Venmo or Zelle. I will no longer be doing overnight checks, even in emergencies. Let me know if you want me to help you set up Zelle or Venmo. Otherwise, be sure you are building up your cash savings. Because I will no longer be overnighting checks.”

Hard ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would relent because this is tied to the burial of her husband. After a few months have gone by, *DH* says:

“Mom, when we send you money in the future, it will need to be by regular check, or I can send it through Venmo or Zelle. I will no longer be doing overnight checks, even in emergencies. Let me know if you want me to help you set up Zelle or Venmo. Otherwise, be sure you are building up your cash savings. Because I will no longer be overnighting checks.”

Why on earth would you do this? People on dcum are so weird! If you want to put your foot down about Fedexing checks, just do it the next time, if there is a next time, that it comes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To over night a check via FEDEX us like $35? And you acting like this. Get it over it. You sound ridiculous.

Seriously. OP is working with her therapist to get past this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old people are TERRIFIED of online money. I have a good relationship with my MIL and am on all her bank accounts. I set up online banking so I wouldn’t have to go into the branch and she freaked the F out calling me sobbing saying she trusts me but not all the hackers and she worked all her life for that money, etc. I don’t have the heart to tell her the info is all online at the bank whether I log in or not. Anyway it’s generational. Let it go.

As for the future. Talk to your DH and set up boundaries for sure and a budget if needed and stick to it.

Right? I had a small business and an older lady insisted on calling me with her credit card number because she didn’t want to use the internet. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just going to…type those numbers into the internet. IDK what she thought I was going to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Famous troll. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Famous troll. 🙄

Nah, not their style.