Help me not be an a@&hole to grieving MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people are TERRIFIED of online money. I have a good relationship with my MIL and am on all her bank accounts. I set up online banking so I wouldn’t have to go into the branch and she freaked the F out calling me sobbing saying she trusts me but not all the hackers and she worked all her life for that money, etc. I don’t have the heart to tell her the info is all online at the bank whether I log in or not. Anyway it’s generational. Let it go.

As for the future. Talk to your DH and set up boundaries for sure and a budget if needed and stick to it.

Yes, this. But I would rather have parents terrified of online money then vulnerable to scammers.

You know that the first person who calls them offering to fix their iPad and asks for their social security number (real incident, not made up) is going to get it no questions asked, right?

[Anonymous]

My mother is just terrible about technology. "Oh . . . it's a PDF. You know I can't open those." I have to fill up her gas tank because she lived all her life in a state that doesn't allow self-serve and it's just too many steps to teach her how to swipe the credit card and then run the pump. And yes, she sends all her bills by mail, which is a hassle in the summer when she moves to the beach and I have collect her mail and then forward it to her.

But my mother is generally beloved by us kids and so we laugh at her ineptitude and try to imagine all the crazy things we won't be able to figure out in 40 years. So I think this example bothers you precisely as much or as little as you are generally bothered by her. Which in your case is a lot.

It's no small thing to be asked to subsidize someone's existence. I think you and DH should sit down and discuss it . . . what are you willing to do? Where is the line? Figure out how to communicate this to MIL if she asks for money in the future.

[Anonymous]

It’s just a check; it’s just mail. She just lost her DH. Sorry but YTA this time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the problem. So you had to pay a little extra to mail a check to a grieving old woman. I can’t stand my MIL and am usually sympathetic to MIL gripes but this is just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s stepfather recently died after a long illness. My ILs have never had much money, and over the years, we’ve helped them out in small amounts, never expecting to be paid back. Unsurprisingly, we were asked to help pay for FIL’s funeral arrangements. We offered to transfer the money to MIL’s account through Zelle, and she refused, fearing “online hackers” and asked DH to overnight a check instead. To overnight a check was ridiculously expensive. DH was annoyed, but he has no backbone when it comes to his mother. I was also annoyed, but said nothing further to DH as I know he’s experiencing his own grief. It was just so stupid and wasteful. I also suspect (fear) that this is the beginning of us having to subsidize MIL’s life with FIL now gone, and given DH’s tendency to do anything MIL wants, we will face similar issues in the future.

MIL has always been extremely controlling and stuck in antiquated ways of doing things. I’m focused on being supportive to the family, and will never bring up this incident, but need to move on from it. Help me see things differently.

This is not really about your MIL. Usually when your DH “has no backbone when it comes to his mother” it mean he has the same problem with his DW. Now add money in to the situation and it can really upset the you. He is not doing what you want done and you are pissed. Just remember he has the same lack of backbone when it comes to you and that is why you picked him.

[Anonymous]

I’d have a mantra for this time, like “people who’s husbands have just died deserve grace”

And I’d address with DH directly how you’ll handle MIL going forward-that’s on your DH, not your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To over night a check via FEDEX us like $35? And you acting like this. Get it over it. You sound ridiculous.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people are TERRIFIED of online money. I have a good relationship with my MIL and am on all her bank accounts. I set up online banking so I wouldn’t have to go into the branch and she freaked the F out calling me sobbing saying she trusts me but not all the hackers and she worked all her life for that money, etc. I don’t have the heart to tell her the info is all online at the bank whether I log in or not. Anyway it’s generational. Let it go.

As for the future. Talk to your DH and set up boundaries for sure and a budget if needed and stick to it.

Yes, this. But I would rather have parents terrified of online money then vulnerable to scammers.

You know that the first person who calls them offering to fix their iPad and asks for their social security number (real incident, not made up) is going to get it no questions asked, right?

No, actually, there are some seniors who are savvy enough not to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s stepfather recently died after a long illness. My ILs have never had much money, and over the years, we’ve helped them out in small amounts, never expecting to be paid back. Unsurprisingly, we were asked to help pay for FIL’s funeral arrangements. We offered to transfer the money to MIL’s account through Zelle, and she refused, fearing “online hackers” and asked DH to overnight a check instead. To overnight a check was ridiculously expensive. DH was annoyed, but he has no backbone when it comes to his mother. I was also annoyed, but said nothing further to DH as I know he’s experiencing his own grief. It was just so stupid and wasteful. I also suspect (fear) that this is the beginning of us having to subsidize MIL’s life with FIL now gone, and given DH’s tendency to do anything MIL wants, we will face similar issues in the future.

MIL has always been extremely controlling and stuck in antiquated ways of doing things. I’m focused on being supportive to the family, and will never bring up this incident, but need to move on from it. Help me see things differently.

Well, often when people complain about others being controlling, it’s because they’re not able to control the situation to THEIR OWN liking. So maybe you can see things differently by realizing your complaints about control are over you not being able to do things YOUR way.

And yes, older people like to use the ways that are familiar to them. Their brains are not as plastic as yours (and yours is not as plastic as your child’s, so keep that in mind). Why are you so bothered by something that doesn’t harm you in any way? I mean, it’s a slight inconvenience, but certainly not a harm.

Oh wait, it’s because you want to control what everyone else is doing and feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people are TERRIFIED of online money. I have a good relationship with my MIL and am on all her bank accounts. I set up online banking so I wouldn’t have to go into the branch and she freaked the F out calling me sobbing saying she trusts me but not all the hackers and she worked all her life for that money, etc. I don’t have the heart to tell her the info is all online at the bank whether I log in or not. Anyway it’s generational. Let it go.

As for the future. Talk to your DH and set up boundaries for sure and a budget if needed and stick to it.

Yes, this. But I would rather have parents terrified of online money then vulnerable to scammers.

You know that the first person who calls them offering to fix their iPad and asks for their social security number (real incident, not made up) is going to get it no questions asked, right?

My mom fell for this a few months ago, even though she knew better! They said they were trying to get a package to her, but needed all this info. She gave it them. The next day she realized what she had done. Luckily she has no money, so they didn’t get anything.

[Anonymous]

I hope I don't end up with a DIL like OP.

[Anonymous]

If OP can’t afford a domestic overnight FedEx then they have bigger problems to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH staying home and living off your money, OP? If not stay out of his business with his mom, especially when she’s just lost her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To over night a check via FEDEX us like $35? And you acting like this. Get it over it. You sound ridiculous.

Seriously. OP is working with her therapist to get past this.

OP is spending $400 an hour to the therapist to complain about a $35 one-time expense. Luckily the therapist takes Zelle AND Venmo.

[Anonymous]

My dad has never even had an ATM card. He goes to the bank every month so he can have a bit of cash, but otherwise uses checks and surprisingly, credit cards. He'd never agree to any online banking. All bills are paid by check.

Think of it as an emergency situation and it's unlikely to happen again. Plus in the future, your husband and mil will be out of the fog of grief and everyone will be thinking more logically. No need to assume that all future interactions will be the same.