Help me not be an a@&hole to grieving MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would relent because this is tied to the burial of her husband. After a few months have gone by, *DH* says:

“Mom, when we send you money in the future, it will need to be by regular check, or I can send it through Venmo or Zelle. I will no longer be doing overnight checks, even in emergencies. Let me know if you want me to help you set up Zelle or Venmo. Otherwise, be sure you are building up your cash savings. Because I will no longer be overnighting checks.”

With the rise of thefts affecting checks sent by regular mail, better stick to overnighting checks.

[Anonymous]

OP, pull in the reins!! No reason for you to project forward all the horrible inconveniences *that may happen*. That's not responsible and not kind (at the moment)

One instance happened. Something happened. Your DH handled it. Circle a date on your calendar 3 months from now to worry about all the others things that might happen.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. It’s her husbands funeral. So you spent $75 to overnight a check. It’s not a bud deal in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old people are TERRIFIED of online money. I have a good relationship with my MIL and am on all her bank accounts. I set up online banking so I wouldn’t have to go into the branch and she freaked the F out calling me sobbing saying she trusts me but not all the hackers and she worked all her life for that money, etc. I don’t have the heart to tell her the info is all online at the bank whether I log in or not. Anyway it’s generational. Let it go.

As for the future. Talk to your DH and set up boundaries for sure and a budget if needed and stick to it.

Old people are frequently targeted by those trying to steal from them so they have a reason to be protective of their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people are TERRIFIED of online money. I have a good relationship with my MIL and am on all her bank accounts. I set up online banking so I wouldn’t have to go into the branch and she freaked the F out calling me sobbing saying she trusts me but not all the hackers and she worked all her life for that money, etc. I don’t have the heart to tell her the info is all online at the bank whether I log in or not. Anyway it’s generational. Let it go.

As for the future. Talk to your DH and set up boundaries for sure and a budget if needed and stick to it.

Yes, this. But I would rather have parents terrified of online money then vulnerable to scammers.

You know that the first person who calls them offering to fix their iPad and asks for their social security number (real incident, not made up) is going to get it no questions asked, right?

My mom fell for this a few months ago, even though she knew better! They said they were trying to get a package to her, but needed all this info. She gave it them. The next day she realized what she had done. Luckily she has no money, so they didn’t get anything.

You need to put a freeze on her credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To over night a check via FEDEX us like $35? And you acting like this. Get it over it. You sound ridiculous.

This.

Second day is probably around $29. Much less than you would pay for a dinner out.

[Anonymous]

This makes no sense. Why wouldn't he just pay direct to funeral home $$$ via cc. Aren't you all going to the funeral?

So many plot holes?

[Anonymous]

You’re petty, OP. If lucky, you will be old one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a non-event. So your MIL asked that a check be sent overnight. SO WHAT. This is an "incident" that you "won't ever bring up" and need to "move on from"??

Wow. Get some perspective, OP.

Seriously. $40 overnight vs cost of paying for a funeral? Don't get stuck in the weeds nit picking $40 here, $5 there. Get your long game together. Start considering where MIL can afford to live, will you help her apply for more social security, did she notify SSA he died, did she get death certificate yet, will she need food stamps, did she use FIL's health insurance supplement, does she know if he had life insurance, has she ever filed a tax return by herself, did they file 2021 yet, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a non-event. So your MIL asked that a check be sent overnight. SO WHAT. This is an "incident" that you "won't ever bring up" and need to "move on from"??

Wow. Get some perspective, OP.

Seriously. $40 overnight vs cost of paying for a funeral? Don't get stuck in the weeds nit picking $40 here, $5 there. Get your long game together. Start considering where MIL can afford to live, will you help her apply for more social security, did she notify SSA he died, did she get death certificate yet, will she need food stamps, did she use FIL's health insurance supplement, does she know if he had life insurance, has she ever filed a tax return by herself, did they file 2021 yet, etc.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would relent because this is tied to the burial of her husband. After a few months have gone by, *DH* says:

“Mom, when we send you money in the future, it will need to be by regular check, or I can send it through Venmo or Zelle. I will no longer be doing overnight checks, even in emergencies. Let me know if you want me to help you set up Zelle or Venmo. Otherwise, be sure you are building up your cash savings. Because I will no longer be overnighting checks.”

She won’t remember, pp; she is in a fog of grief. Read The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.

[Anonymous]

I'm not old (early 40s) and I won't use Zelle or anything that requires me to give my routing number to an app outside my bank. Do I get that my bank keeps everything online? Yes. I also know that there is a lot scammers can do with bank account info that makes it a lot harder to trace and fix than if someone were to steal my credit card number. Team MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would relent because this is tied to the burial of her husband. After a few months have gone by, *DH* says:

“Mom, when we send you money in the future, it will need to be by regular check, or I can send it through Venmo or Zelle. I will no longer be doing overnight checks, even in emergencies. Let me know if you want me to help you set up Zelle or Venmo. Otherwise, be sure you are building up your cash savings. Because I will no longer be overnighting checks.”

Do not say this. What a weirdo.

How much could it have cost? I overnight stuff quite a bit. One couldn’t have been more than $50.

[Anonymous]

reading between the lines here, I think OP's bigger concern (than a dumb overnighted check) is that her inlaws have clearly not planned for themselves. The fact that FIL had a long illness and didn't prepare for the costs of his funeral is troubling and we can assume MIL hasn't planned for herself at all. And now with FIL gone there are concerns that MIL will become even more financially unprepared and needy. If you're married to a man who is unwilling to address these concerns head-on and just kowtows to his aging, demanding mother (to the detriment of his nuclear family), it's a prescription for problems and strife. OP, instead of sharing your concerns here, please share them with your husband and tell him he needs to get a plan together and grow a backbone. And OP, you need to be doing what you can safeguard your family's financial future (setting up 529s for kids so that their college funds don't magically get given to needy MIL).

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone - such a simple thing for you to FedEx a check.

However, I understand if you’re concerned about underwriting her life now…what kind of income does she have?