Routine vs. Go With The Flow

[Anonymous]

Hi, does anyone have any experience (negative or positive) to share regarding you and your significant other being opposite in terms of one person being more routine based and the other person being more go with the flow?

[Anonymous]

I am routine, H is go with the flow.

My experience: I am stressed AF all of the time, while H is cool as a cucumber because he knows I’ll handle it. I also spend a lot of time yelling at him for sleeping in and forgetting to do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am routine, H is go with the flow.

My experience: I am stressed AF all of the time, while H is cool as a cucumber because he knows I’ll handle it. I also spend a lot of time yelling at him for sleeping in and forgetting to do things.

Alternately, you are stressed AF all the time and DH is cool as a cucumber because he knows much of what you are agonizing about can’t be changed fixed with extra anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am routine, H is go with the flow.

My experience: I am stressed AF all of the time, while H is cool as a cucumber because he knows I’ll handle it. I also spend a lot of time yelling at him for sleeping in and forgetting to do things.

Alternately, you are stressed AF all the time and DH is cool as a cucumber because he knows much of what you are agonizing about can’t be changed fixed with extra anxiety.

Getting the kids to school on time, caring for the dog, getting to work on time, saving for retirement, feeding the baby…all pretty important things, yea?

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? Or is this just about managing your own free time?

[Anonymous]

We are both pretty “go with the flow.”
I had a roommate though who was very scheduled. She wouldn’t do things like watch television or read a book unless she had previously dedicated that specific time to that activity. We were friends, but we couldn’t live together. We drove each other crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am routine, H is go with the flow.

My experience: I am stressed AF all of the time, while H is cool as a cucumber because he knows I’ll handle it. I also spend a lot of time yelling at him for sleeping in and forgetting to do things.

Alternately, you are stressed AF all the time and DH is cool as a cucumber because he knows much of what you are agonizing about can’t be changed fixed with extra anxiety.

Getting the kids to school on time, caring for the dog, getting to work on time, saving for retirement, feeding the baby…all pretty important things, yea?

I do all of those things and am very much a go with the flow type of person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am routine, H is go with the flow.

My experience: I am stressed AF all of the time, while H is cool as a cucumber because he knows I’ll handle it. I also spend a lot of time yelling at him for sleeping in and forgetting to do things.

Alternately, you are stressed AF all the time and DH is cool as a cucumber because he knows much of what you are agonizing about can’t be changed fixed with extra anxiety.

I guess it depends what OP means by GWTF. From my understanding, it’s just sort of letting things happen and not attempting to gain any sort of control over the situation.

An example in our home is parenting - H’s mindset is that kids are gonna go whatever they want to do, so there’s no sense in trying to instill good habits in them. Whereas I have routines for the kids for cleaning up, getting ready for school, meals, play dates, limiting screen time, etc. So like, I limit screen time for DC, but provide loosely structured alternatives such as art projects, playtime outside, etc. H just hands the screen over for hours on end, day after day, and when DC’s behavior gets out of control (nonstop tantrums when screen time is over or we say no), H just sort of shrugs his shoulders and says “I don’t understand why DC is like this!” Then I have to come in and reset the routine.

I know general consensus among men is that those things don’t matter. Let your kid watch screens all day. But it matters to me, because I do believe we have a responsibility to raise well-regulated and stable children. And I don’t like having to fix things when H drops the ball, it’s stressful.

[Anonymous]

With jobs and kids we are both very routine M-F. On weekends we are both very go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

I am go with the flow, in a way. DH is more routine-based.

A lot of it is that I’m a SHAM and so the way we live our lives is based on my flexibility. Another part of it is that I have difficulty setting a schedule and sticking to it. Yes I have ADHD.

But I’m not totally go with the flow. Our vacations, for instance, are a good balance of scheduled activities and down time. And I’m not flaky. When I make an appointment, I keep it. When DH needs me to do something by a certain time, like get dry cleaning, I do it.

Anyway, the bonuses are that I can switch gears at any time because I don’t operate on a schedule. The minuses are that DH has, in the past, been baffled as to how I operate and feels like he never knows what’s next, and I don’t like it that he tends to get to my time first because he is a better scheduler. I have had learn to be more firm about my time (like no, I can’t do this thing for you because I decided this morning that this would be my workout time).

[Anonymous]

Have enough of your own independent life so you are managing it the way you want. You have a career. You have a social life with friends. These are independent endeavors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have any experience (negative or positive) to share regarding you and your significant other being opposite in terms of one person being more routine based and the other person being more go with the flow?

Need both with kids and thinking on your feet.

[Anonymous]

I’m very into structure and routine and my husband is go with the flow, and we’re a success story for sure.

Basically - we’ve met in the middle, though closer to structure with regards to the kids, since we have 2 under 3 (recently graduated from 2 under 2). He’s was willing to defer to me on routine with our first when he was a baby, and pretty much immediately saw how much the baby thrived under a routine and it made everything easier. So he’s really gotten on board with that for practical reasons. Meanwhile, with two so little, I’ve had to learn to be more adaptable, and I definitely have. We’ve also prioritized - the kids routine is key. Routines that help us share the load are key - he does cooking, I do laundry, or how we handle childcare on the weekends. But then he doesn’t meal plan, he buys a bunch of groceries and wings it - great. Not how I would do it, but it works out awesome. And laundry/clothes are handled on a German-public-transit-like schedule, since he’s totally out of that. It works for us.

I think what helps is that we’re both open minded, we have great communication, and we’re willing to defer to the other person where appropriate. We also respect each other’s perspectives and approaches.

One thing that’s funny - as we’ve moved towards the middle, it means we’ve both moved further from our families of origin, and it’s become obvious on family vacations. His family is so go with the flow it drives me crazy. I need SOME planning! And now my family’s vacations feel overplanned to both of us. Ha.

[Anonymous]

We are both naturally pretty go with the flow, but I've had to become much more routine since we had a kid. Initially this caused a lot of conflict. It took two forms.

One, he was just resisting the idea that a child would change our lives in any meaningful way. So he'd get annoyed at having to be home by a certain time in order to do dinner and bath, or when DC was young, for naps. He'd resent getting ready routines that I created to help us remember to bring things the baby/kid needed because he likes being unencumbered by stuff and being able to leave whenever we wanted. This was really stressful for me because these routines didn't come naturally to me -- I'm like DH. But at least some level of routine is absolutely mandatory for children. We are pretty laid back as parents and not super strict about stuff like food or bedtimes, but you have to have some structure or your kid is just a mess. So I'd wind up desperately trying to enforce these routines while DH consistently undermined them. It put me in the middle in a way I hated and required several serious conversations about our joint responsibility as parents and how much it sucked being the designated planner/organizer/scheduler while he pretty much lives as he did pre-kids. He got it, and has gotten much better recently. But the first two years, when those schedules are most restrictive and we were very new to parent, were really rough.

The second form was alluded to by a PP, and it's the thing where the less routine person thinks you're being ridiculous and rigid for no reason. And the frustrating this is that sometimes that person is totally wrong -- you aren't being rigid, you are being realistic, and there is nothing wrong with the routine you are trying to follow and in fact it's beneficial. But sometimes they are right and your anxiety has gotten the best of you and you are trying to impose something rigid on the family for no good reason and it's actually making everyone miserable. That's so hard -- you have to be willing to admit that sometimes you, as the routine person, are wrong and need to just chill about something. I've found that once again, the solution to this one is communication, and both of you being willing to admit you're wrong (my DH is decent at it).

So yes, it can work, but you need all the other stuff that makes a relationship work -- good communication, being forgiving, being flexible (and you BOTH need to be flexible, which means the routine person needs to be willing to relax a routine sometimes, and the go-with-the-flow person needs to be willing to schedule certain things and fall into routine when it makes sense). And as with all long-term relationships, you need to stay on the look out for building resentment and deal with it sooner rather than later. I'd rather have a small argument once a month about the routine/go-with-the-flow issue than a blowout argument once a year. Trust me on that. As long as the small argument is productive and gets resolved peacefully, that's honestly not particularly bad conflict in a relationship. All relationships require some amount of compromise and adjustment.

Two routine people could actually be a mess because they like different routines and not be able to negotiate them, by the way. Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am routine, H is go with the flow.

My experience: I am stressed AF all of the time, while H is cool as a cucumber because he knows I’ll handle it. I also spend a lot of time yelling at him for sleeping in and forgetting to do things.

Alternately, you are stressed AF all the time and DH is cool as a cucumber because he knows much of what you are agonizing about can’t be changed fixed with extra anxiety.

I guess it depends what OP means by GWTF. From my understanding, it’s just sort of letting things happen and not attempting to gain any sort of control over the situation.

An example in our home is parenting - H’s mindset is that kids are gonna go whatever they want to do, so there’s no sense in trying to instill good habits in them. Whereas I have routines for the kids for cleaning up, getting ready for school, meals, play dates, limiting screen time, etc. So like, I limit screen time for DC, but provide loosely structured alternatives such as art projects, playtime outside, etc. H just hands the screen over for hours on end, day after day, and when DC’s behavior gets out of control (nonstop tantrums when screen time is over or we say no), H just sort of shrugs his shoulders and says “I don’t understand why DC is like this!” Then I have to come in and reset the routine.

I know general consensus among men is that those things don’t matter. Let your kid watch screens all day. But it matters to me, because I do believe we have a responsibility to raise well-regulated and stable children. And I don’t like having to fix things when H drops the ball, it’s stressful.

You both are in the wrong here.. obviously just handing them screens is an issue but your kids not being able to function without every moment being planned out isn't good for them either.