GRR - Husband unable to "get relief" when having sex, becoming a huge problem.
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Anonymous
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For the past two years, (basically since early covid), my husband has had trouble with sex. I am pretty sure it's a combination of medication and he's drinking more than he's used to, which leads to problems for him actually getting relief from sex (org.).
90% of the time we have sex, he's not satisfied. He wants it constantly because he cannot get relief. We are in our late 40s, married 17 years with two kids, 11 & 14. Sex is such a chore at this point, and I can't even stand being in bed with him anymore because he's constantly begging for it. When we have sex, it doesn't "count" for him, so he's never satisfied. My libido is not what it used to be, so this added problem makes it worse. I've told him to talk to his Dr and his Dr just said it's because of his medication. I am at a loss as this is making me despise him and I have zero interest in being with him anymore. He always complains that he needs to "beg for it". Because even if it happens 2/3 times/week, it is not giving him what he needs so I have no desire. I'm at the point of telling him to find it elsewhere because I can't take it anymore. Has anyone else had a situation like this? any tips on how to resolve other than telling him to fend for himself?? |
Anonymous
| Can he have a change in medication or dosing? Can he cut back or stop drinking altogether? If he knows the causes of his sexual dysfunction, why isn't he pursuing every avenue to correct it? You've been married long enough that you ought to be able to tell him to deal with this. I'm older than you and no way could I put up with thankless sex. |
Anonymous
You are older and wiser, for sure. I've talked to him about this, but he places a lot of the blame on me, making me feel guilty for not being the one to ever "pursue". Thankless sex is a very accurate way to put it. I can't stand when he touches me now because it's never just a hug, or loving gesture, it's because he wants to get laid all the freaking time. You are right though, next time I see him drinking excessively (which happens often), I'll tell him not to expect anything from me since it won't "work". |
Anonymous
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Years ago I was put on a medication that had the side effect of sort of numbing me, I was only on the stuff for two weeks but during that time I could go and go and it would lead nowhere. I would see on her face that this was going on a bit longer than she wanted and that had the effect of making it take even longer.
Even after the medication was completely out of my system the psychological impact remained and for maybe a month or two I still had the same issue even though there was no chemical reason why. We took a hiatus for about 10 days and teased the shit out of each other, when we were finally together everything went perfectly and it hasn’t been an issue since. Take a break, up the sexual energy if you have the energy for it and maybe that increased desire will light the fuse. |
Anonymous
Forgot to add, if he is choosing booze over sex then I would address that first, not good. |
Anonymous
| If he is taking an SSRI (paxil, zoloft, prozac, lexapro, others) then this is 100% a side effect of the medication and it is not fair to be angry over it. Depends how much he needs it and how much good it is doing him but if it is and SSRI and having this huge of an effect on our sex life and marriage he needs to lower the dose or switch medications or switch medication classes. |
Anonymous
I am having the same issue with my SSRI. I’m torn because besides this side effect, I love it. For the first time in my life, I’m not an anxious mess. However, I would never blame my partner for the problem. In fact, I haven’t even told them because I know they would be upset. |
Anonymous
| Are you engaging in other activities besides PIV? Give him a “hand” or “special kisses,” maybe? Or let him watch p*rn while you do those things. |
Anonymous
| I experienced a similar issue with my now exDH. In our situation it was because of increased alcohol use that began interfering with many aspects of his functioning, including sexually. |
Anonymous
| He wants it all - orgasm, alcohol and meds. I would have told him to go to you know where long ago. He can turn to porn and blame porn not doing it for him. He is probably numb as hell, but still wants it. |
Anonymous
You have a rough situation, no doubt. His drinking is a problem. You don't have to feel guilty about not wanting sex with him. He's not in a good place. Take care of yourself |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you despised him already and this is just bringing it to a head. |
Anonymous
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If I were you, I would call a halt to sex in total until he addresses his substance use disorder. Sexual dysfunction aside, he isn’t supposed to be drinking at all on an SSRI, or at most, only rarely. Regular use of alcohol despite medical advice - and the AMA recommends minimal alcohol consumption for men and women both because of the many negative effects on the body nevermind of the patient is also on SSRI - indicates a use disorder, an unhealthy dependency.
If your husband is on SSRI for depression or anxiety, he should look into TMS therapy as an alternative. It’s more expensive than pills but has zero side effects and works well for most patients. I had a course this winter and am no longer clinically depressed and am enjoying the zero side effects - SSRIs caused so many side effects in me that didn’t go away over time so I qualified to have TMS covered by my insurance. Yours might cover some of the cost, but if sexual release is that important to your husband he should consider making the investment even if he has to pay some significant portion of the cost. My overarching point being the problems here go well beyond hubby’s inability to orgasm. He needs to do some serious work on himself and you can offer to support him in that but refuse to be his on demand hole and the object of his ire for something that isn’t your fault at all. |
Anonymous
I agree. OP you have some valid pints, but why not also initiate occasionally and see what happens. Just fake like you want to. Comes with the territory of marriage. |
Anonymous
thx, he takes clonazepam and a daily anxiety med. He refuses to stop taking either |