Guy I’m dating matched with a friend
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Anonymous
| A guy I’ve been dating for a month (multiple dates per week, and having sex) recently connected with a friend of mine on a dating app. We haven’t discussed exclusivity, but I’m a bit turned off by it. We have a great time together and both claimed we were looking for something serious. Why the hunt for others? I don’t even feel like this warrants a discussion, because I prefer to just be with guys who want to settle down and see similar potential in things. Am I being reasonable? |
Anonymous
| lol, have you told him that you want to be exclusive? |
Anonymous
|
This is something that is just unfortunate. Like he's not really doing anything WRONG but I could also see that this ruins the whole thing for you. It's like sliding doors, if he matched with some random girls you never knew about and you kept dating and went exclusive and you never knew about it then it would be fine. But the fact that you know and cannot unknow might kill the whole thing early.
So...no one sucks here, and that remains true whatever you decide. Now if you bring it up and he flips out on you, or if you flip out on HIM, then that changes things. |
Anonymous
|
I'm assuming you found out because your friend told you?
He doesn't sound worth getting upset over, OP. I mean, it's disappointing he was saying one thing while doing another, but that seems to clearly indicate you don't want the same thing. Oh well--move on to something better! |
Anonymous
Maybe if you didn't immediately start putting out he might have gotten a different idea. |
Anonymous
| If you like him he technically didn’t do anything wrong yet. You can have a talk with him and discuss exclusivity. That’s what happened with me and DH and now we’ve been married for a decade. |
Anonymous
|
Omg this happened to me once! I had went out with a guy a few times over a few weeks, had sex with him. Then he sent a message to one of my roommates. Ok I let that slide.
And then he messaged another friend on the same app. I felt like he was looking over my shoulder and not even trying to see where me it went. I dropped him. And it sucked because I was excited about him (and showed my two friends his profile!). Honestly I would drop that guy. |
Anonymous
| Has he contacted her or just matched? If swiping, I’ve matched with people weeks or even months after swiping because they recently swiped back. If that’s not the case which is probably unlikely, I’d wait to see if he arranged a date with your friend. If he does, you may want to stop seeing him. Some men continue to swipe a few months after meeting someone before it becomes serious. I’ve even done it but never had the intention of going on a date - just wanted to keep my options open if things didn’t continue to progress. |
Anonymous
Sure, you are both looking for something serious, but did either of you say you wanted something serious with the other person? Unless you have discussed and decided that you both want to be in a monogamous relationship with each other it's perfectly reasonable to think the other person is probably still dating. I get that it's a bit awkward because he matched with your friend. If you are interested in an exclusive relationship with this guy you should talk to him about it. I don't think he has done anything wrong here, it's not his fault he happened to match with your friend and he never agreed to stop dating other people. |
Anonymous
| Why oh why do women have sex with men right away without discussing exclusivity and then get disappointed when it turns out the guy isn’t committed. Date for longer than a couple weeks before you have sex. And if he doesn’t bring up exclusivity, and you don’t want to have sex with someone who is having sex with other people, then have that conversation BEFORE you have sex with him. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think you are exactly unreasonable but I know a lot of nice, reasonable people that aren’t ready to get off online dating after only dating someone for a month. If exclusivity is important to you, it might be better to wait to have sex a little big longer or at least a conversation about it. But what you describe is pretty normal for those in their 20s-30s - I’m not sure how dating is for 40+ |
Anonymous
|
OP, the person you are dating is not a mind reader.
I am a married man. I have been married to same woman for 20+ years. I still can not read her mind. I appreciate it when she uses her words to tell me what she does and does not like. You would be wise to learn how to use your words with the person you are dating rather than posting your complaint on DCUM. |
Anonymous
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I met DH online. I was still active on the app for at least 6 weeks after we met. We hadn't slept together or discussed vein excusive though.
You have to communicate. Relationships don't work without that. |
Anonymous
1. Because they want to 2. Because having sex is part of figuring out if you want exclusivity 3. Because if you're seeing someone several times a week you could reasonably think that your heads were both in the same places 4. Sex isn't a prize to give away in exchange for a peppercorn from the other person |
Anonymous
| I would say that him dating others wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but if I found out he was having sex with others while also in a sexual relationship with me that would definitely be a deal breaker. |