Parent helps out but lies to me

[Anonymous]

I recently divorced and my single parent has been helping out with the kids since the divorce, but I've noticed some lies recently. Sometimes blatant lies. Saying texts didn't go through but I can see on her phone they did. Saying she sent texts but then I check her phone and they aren't there. Saying she picked up something but she didn't and the kids confirm they didn't get this item. I called her out on them once and it didn't go well so I'm just noticing them now and trying to figure out why and what the pattern is. Why would someone would help out but then lie? She kind of likes to play this role as helper extraordinaire but then often doesn't do the task she says she'll help out with and I find myself scrambling to fill in for her. I've let that go too, so now trying to figure out what to do next. Sometimes she will help and other times it's a mess and I don't know when she will do which.

[Anonymous]

Are the kids safe? If so, I’d let it go. Sounds like you’re asking a lot of a grandparent. Free, frequent childcare and errand running. I’d be happy if I had either of those things.

[Anonymous]

It's a sign of cognitive decline. My mother does this too. It's partly because she has some mental health issues (lots of unresolved issues around guilt and shame that make her lie because she's afraid of admitting she did something "wrong"). But it's gotten much worse in the last ten years because she her memory and mental acuity is going downhill. So she lies because she's confused, or because she forgot she said she'd do something, or because she honestly can't remember if she did it or not.

It's not malicious lying, but it's also a red flag in someone you are leaning on for childcare or household help. You need to be careful not to give her tasks that are more than she can handle. Yes, it will hurt her pride, but you don't want to risk one of her lapses endangering your kids.

I also recommend trying to have compassion. My sister gets so angry with my mom for her lying but her raging only makes my mom more likely to do it because now she's afraid of "getting in trouble" with my sister and withholds information about stuff that we really need to know, like that she forgot to take medication or forgot a bill for 6 months and now it's in collection. It is not unlike dealing with a child. You need to reward honesty and avoid shaming them for forgetting or messing up, or they will just try to hide more things from you in order to escape the shame or embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the kids safe? If so, I’d let it go. Sounds like you’re asking a lot of a grandparent. Free, frequent childcare and errand running. I’d be happy if I had either of those things.

They have been safe but a lot of problems ensue because of the lies. I really don't know how safe or unsafe they are because I'm not there. I know they get dropped off without sunscreen or water all the time when I ask that they have it but for the most part the driving is just a drop off. It's actually been making me sick worrying about the lies and having to stay up late to correct things that went awry. I've been doing it without notifying her because I'm not sure what is going on. Is lying part of aging? The strange thing is that its hit or miss. Like one day she'll be fine and the next day lie and it's about the same task so I never know. I'm single parenting. I didn't ask for this. Their dad left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a sign of cognitive decline. My mother does this too. It's partly because she has some mental health issues (lots of unresolved issues around guilt and shame that make her lie because she's afraid of admitting she did something "wrong"). But it's gotten much worse in the last ten years because she her memory and mental acuity is going downhill. So she lies because she's confused, or because she forgot she said she'd do something, or because she honestly can't remember if she did it or not.

It's not malicious lying, but it's also a red flag in someone you are leaning on for childcare or household help. You need to be careful not to give her tasks that are more than she can handle. Yes, it will hurt her pride, but you don't want to risk one of her lapses endangering your kids.

I also recommend trying to have compassion. My sister gets so angry with my mom for her lying but her raging only makes my mom more likely to do it because now she's afraid of "getting in trouble" with my sister and withholds information about stuff that we really need to know, like that she forgot to take medication or forgot a bill for 6 months and now it's in collection. It is not unlike dealing with a child. You need to reward honesty and avoid shaming them for forgetting or messing up, or they will just try to hide more things from you in order to escape the shame or embarrassment.

Agreed. What is the best way to go about this? I've hired help for the summer. I knew we needed it. But because the lies are hit or miss it's hard to gauge what is within her ability or not.

[Anonymous]

Also if your mother is experiencing decline it makes sense for your sister not to burden her with other issues unless she has to. I have problems I don’t share with my mom simply because she can’t handle sunscreen much less my bigger issues. I agree getting mad doesn’t help. But it’s hard to gauge when the lies will happen and how to be proactive to ensure there aren’t issues.

[Anonymous]

I’m having to take out retirement money to pay for the help so money is scarce. I limit driving for the kids to 2 miles from the house and tell her there is laundry to help with if she wants to but don’t require it. I’m hoping that’s doable for her. She hasn’t lied about actually dropping kids off or laundry. It’s just other stuff like their equipment or the water bottles. Stuff that I guess is too much for her.

[Anonymous]

She may not want to listen to you give her grief about forgetting water bottles so lies to cover it up. How old are the kids? They can be responsible. Or pack everything up and even put in the car so less likely to forget.

You also may need to loosen up a bit. Doubt a camp would refuse your kid water if they forgot one. But once again, any kid over 5 would learn to remember it next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may not want to listen to you give her grief about forgetting water bottles so lies to cover it up. How old are the kids? They can be responsible. Or pack everything up and even put in the car so less likely to forget.

You also may need to loosen up a bit. Doubt a camp would refuse your kid water if they forgot one. But once again, any kid over 5 would learn to remember it next time.

Well not my kids. They often have issues with clothing and sunscreen and when to be at places etc. They have different schedules on different days which complicates things. They are preteen ages.

[Anonymous]

And I'll get emails from people saying please don't drop your kid off late regularly, but from her I'd get a text saying they were on time if I asked. I've tried to let it all go and have stopped asking, but it's annoying with the lies. I'd rather just know they were late. I feel like I can't count on anything. With the kids or my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may not want to listen to you give her grief about forgetting water bottles so lies to cover it up. How old are the kids? They can be responsible. Or pack everything up and even put in the car so less likely to forget.

You also may need to loosen up a bit. Doubt a camp would refuse your kid water if they forgot one. But once again, any kid over 5 would learn to remember it next time.

Well not my kids. They often have issues with clothing and sunscreen and when to be at places etc. They have different schedules on different days which complicates things. They are preteen ages.

Preteen? With full love and sympathy, and the experience of 2 ADHD kids.. they have to step UP. Call a meeting with your kids, and work out systems.

[Anonymous]

I'd just take it on a case by case basis.

Late drop off/pick up -- you have to decide if this is worth the convenience of her doing it. She is unlikely to get better at it. But if this is the hardest thing to outsource, it might be worth it to just deal with the kids being late for a while. Maybe start working towards your kids being more independent on this front -- can they take buses on their own? ride bikes? Maybe this is a problem that will resolve itself in a year or two.

Forgetting items -- agree with PP that you need to teach the kids to be responsible for this themselves. A preteen can remember their water bottle and apply sunscreen.

You know what help I might invest in, that might have the most longterm benefit? An organizer. Find someone who will come in and streamline your routines and landing areas to facilitate all the stuff. Or look online an do it yourself, but I get you are understandable overwhelmed at the moment. But a lot of this stuff would be easier for the kids and your mom if you just had rock solid systems in place. an alarm that rings when it's time to pick up Larla from soccer. Color coordinated bags with labels. Landing areas for labels for activities and school. Say it's for the kids but it's for your mom too. And you!

It doesn't sound like we're talking about serious declines here. She's not forgetting a child altogether, having trouble driving (but keep in mind that's coming), or getting into interpersonal conflicts. But the lying is a sign that she's starting to slip and is probably doing a bit of tap dancing to cover it up. I think it's fine to keep leaning on her for a bit while you figure out this big change in your life, but be aware of her limitations.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry, mom, you're fired!"

[Anonymous]

One of my children is behaviorally challenging. My mom insists on visiting for 3-4 months at a time to "help out." I'm a frontline worker and desperate for help during the pandemic and virtual learning. She comes over, constantly argues with DC, creates a lot of drama screaming and shouting back and forth with my emotionally dysregulated child. Then gets on the phone and tells her friends and family member the "crisis" we have at home, at one point, I found out she was asking other family members if they could help us out financially so we can put our DC in residential placement. She was with us a few months ago, I had an early morning training to give via ZOOM and the plumber was coming over at the same time. I asked her if she could wake up early and help me get DC ready for school and open the door for the plumber, etc. She said she could do that. It took me longer to wake her up that day than it takes to get my children out of bed because she's "not a morning person" so that itself was stressful. During my training, there's silence upstairs (thank goodness) so I think all is well. About 10 minutes after the bus would have already been in the neighborhood, I hear her arguing upstairs with DC. As soon as my training is over, I go upstairs, first thing she says "Larla refuses to go to school today." I drive DC to school.

The plumber returned two days later to finish the job because he needed a particular part that he didn't have, apologizes that he was chatting with my mom the whole time and had no idea that she was also helping get her grandchild to school and felt terrible when DC ran downs upset at her grandma for not waking her up in time for the bus.

I now hire help. However, hiring help is not easy when you have a problem child. DH now never wants my mom to visit or help us out because of the added stress. I totally get it OP. Her "help" is a nightmare. I'm conflicted because I know she loves the children and is emotionally dysregulated herself. She now only visits a month at a time

[Anonymous]

Yes. Those are the days we have. It’s exhausting. I was wondering if the lies were cognitive decline. I think they are. Well we have other help this summer. I’ll work on getting some sort of program to make things easier in the future. Google calendar works well for soccer practice with the location and driving directions and time but I haven’t figured out a program to help make sure my kids and any help remember their stuff. Maybe just under notes and they have to check it before. Maybe I set a notification with notes in it for a certain time to get ready? Not sure.