Embarrassed by your own success?
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Anonymous
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This may be weird, but I am fairly young <35 and my wife and I do quite well (500k + income and healthy savings/ investment accounts over 1m). While we did have our colleges paid for, we’ve received no family help/inheritance/gifts (outside of small graduation, wedding, etc).
We are in the process of buying a 1.5-1.7M home. We know we can afford it but we have this feeling like people will judge us for doing it. We are embarrassed to tell people we moved, our address, etc. The home is not earth shattering, it’s in a nice neighborhood in Bethesda, and about 3k square feet. We both work downtown and have two little kids so this is what worked for our family in terms of location and size. Do other people ever feel embarrassed about their successes? At our age, our parents couldn’t even fathom the life we live. They are so proud of us but I don’t ever want them to think differently of us for our financial decisions. Same goes with friends, friends parents, etc. Am i insane or is this normal? |
Anonymous
| Yes. People I've known for years have gotten weird with me, thinking they need to impress me or something. It kind of bums me out because we're the same people we were before. Also embarrassed because my mom's extremely puritanical Midwestern family frowns upon any displays of success and I know they are talking about our house price behind our back. |
Anonymous
| ^^also I'm probably projecting but I definitely think my MIL judges the amount of help we have. She raised six kids while working full time and I think she doesn't understand why we need so much help. |
Anonymous
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I'm similar to you and bought a $1.4M home about 10 years ago, when i was your age, that is worth about $2.5M in another major US city. Debtless college and no other help (not even advice) from family. My DH felt it the most from his peers. They judged him, or assumed we had family money, and felt envious. I actually didn't have too many "friends" in the area because we were fairly new, so most "friends" came from work and never came to my house.
My family was the worst. My mom was happy and envious, which brought about some strange behaviors. My siblings didn't really care too much since they were wrapped in their lives. Until one of my sisters wanted similar stability for her kids. Then she started making snide comments. She still makes them sometimes. I have a sneaking suspicion that she is telling my parents to disinherit me in favor of her because she "needs" it more. It makes me feels sad. And sadder that I think they will do it. Less the issue with money and more being from a toxic family. On the other hand pur home has increased dramatically in value and we were able to take advantage of low interest rates of the time. Because of this we also bought a vacation home in a sought after location that has tripled in value. |
Anonymous
| Yes, insane. Why would you feel embarrassed? This isn’t that uncommon, especially if you grew up in the wealthier suburbs of a major city. Did you both grow up more middle class and then move here? |
Anonymous
How did she do this with no help? |
Anonymous
Interesting how you gloss over colleges being paid for. Did you get full scholarships? If not, then you had enormous family help that you seem to minimize. It's hugely advantageous that both of your colleges were paid for by your family. Having said that, in the DC area, it is not uncommon for families to have paid for their kids' colleges. But I think it is healthy for you to acknowledge your parents' role in helping you get there. We can't quite afford this yet, but my wife and I both came from lower middle class backgrounds, and we paid for our own colleges. I earned a full academic scholarship and joining ROTC. We paid for my law school ourselves, and now I am a federal attorney. My wife used student loans, and we paid them off after we got married. We would be in your position had we not had to spend those early years paying hundreds of thousands of dollars on education instead of investing it. |
Anonymous
No we grew up in the DC suburbs/MoCo Our parents are both comfortable, my parents slightly less so. They gave us access to fantastic schools growing up so I guess I almost feel guilty that their sacrifices allowed us to be where we are today? I’m def overthinking it.. |
Anonymous
| Who would be “weird?” |
Anonymous
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I don’t think it’s insane at all. You are feeling the discomfort of having more than you need when others are struggling. I think that’s a good thing if it means you’re aware of your privilege.
But just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I’m in your shoes and I just acknowledge that it’s really unfair I enjoy things that others don’t, like not stressing about food, housing, finding the resources to take care of my health, braces, our kids graduating from college in debt, etc. I just try to help others while I can (when my siblings ask for financial help I just give it to them, no questions asked) and I vote for things that would make life more fair, like affordable housing units and social safety networks. I just sit in the discomfort and don’t try to think it away. I know people will think I’m insane too but that’s just my perspective. |
Anonymous
I think your original post didn't acknowledge how much your parents have done for you. As long as you realize that, and take it to heart, I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. |
Anonymous
Daycare and the older kids helped the younger ones. Big Italian Catholic family. I'm a SAHM with a full time nanny and she's so nice to me but I do something wonder if she rolls her eyes at me. |
Anonymous
| You sound like a wiener. Why would a grown men come on dcum to ask that? |
Anonymous
| Isn't it normal for mid 30s couple to buy 1.5+ houses? Seems like every young couple I know are doing it. Maybe you should be embassed for buying 3mn+ house, but for a 1.5-1.7m house, you should consider yourself pretty normal. |
Anonymous
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So your parents paid hundred of thousands of dollars for college and you don’t think they did much?
The only way I can fathom that you’d be embarrassed about buying a house in that range is if you are new to this area. |