Abusive mom

[Anonymous]

My mom was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. My dad didn’t seem to notice and denied it when I brought it up to him. Now their health is precarious and I have offered to let them live with me, as they can no longer afford their home or assisted living. My mom has justified the abuse by saying I disrespected her. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I would not let someone who is abusive live with me. Nobody deserves abuse, OP.

[Anonymous]

You should not, never, ever have either of them live with you

[Anonymous]

Your mother will never apologize. She will never love you the way you want her too. Having her move in, taking care of her, won't change her. If you want to care for her, then do. And if you are doing it with the hopes of her changing, don't.

If she asks why you won't help, look at her kindly and say sweetly, you reap what you sow. And wish her the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother will never apologize. She will never love you the way you want her too. Having her move in, taking care of her, won't change her. If you want to care for her, then do. And if you are doing it with the hopes of her changing, don't.

If she asks why you won't help, look at her kindly and say sweetly, you reap what you sow. And wish her the best.

I agree with the first part but not the second. It's not OP's job to play judge here and doll out her mom's fate. OP has to decide what feels right to her and do that. Maybe it would be better for OP to forgive and forget. Some of us need to take the high road in order to be out peace with ourselves. However, maybe OP can't take care of her parents because the hurt is too raw and that's okay, too. If that's the case, I think OP should be honest with them so she can move on and feel good about her choice for the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

OP I get how abuse dynamics work because I come from abuse. I was very into pleasing my abusive mother. I got help. No way in heck would I allow her to move in. I think you need therapy and not DCUM. There is not much we can do to help you if they are in your home. I have major boundaries with my mother and am constantly recalibrating and figuring out what I can handle. You will never get an apology and you will be gaslit. I STRONGLY suggest you get intensive therapy before allowing them to live in your home.

[Anonymous]

Like many others who post on this forum, it is obvious you are looking for some kind of absolution so you can refuse to help your parents, including your mother who heaped abuse on you.

Adult children are NEVER obligated to their parents for anything, ever. If you do not want to help your parents then don't. There are plenty of agencies who can provide them with assistance, including finding a Medicaid facility to put them in.

You just need to make it very clear that you will not be helping them and they are on their own. That is the minimum humane thing you need to do so they have zero expectations that they can look to you.

Go online and find all the local senior citizen helping agencies, put together a list of their phone numbers and hand it over when you tell them they are on their own.

Don't bother talking to your mother anymore about the abuse you suffered at her hands. Just let her know that she was not a good mother, you learned a lot from her and won't make the same mistakes with your kids.

Be thankful the lessons you learned about parenting will undoubtedly result in your kids never having any similar complaints about you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone, and you’re right. I confronted her about the abuse and she said ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. I can’t imagine a bigger FU. I’ll look into alternative housing for them. I wish I could take care of my dad, but he let the abuse happen and still turns a blind eye.

[Anonymous]

Abuse or no abuse I doubt your parents had their parents living with them when they were your age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, everyone, and you’re right. I confronted her about the abuse and she said ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. I can’t imagine a bigger FU. I’ll look into alternative housing for them. I wish I could take care of my dad, but he let the abuse happen and still turns a blind eye.

Well, there's your second FU. Sounds like you lost out big time with truly awful parents. Hope you have gotten good therapy over the years to help you rise above the horrific violence and verbal abuse you suffered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, everyone, and you’re right. I confronted her about the abuse and she said ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. I can’t imagine a bigger FU. I’ll look into alternative housing for them. I wish I could take care of my dad, but he let the abuse happen and still turns a blind eye.

Well, there's your second FU. Sounds like you lost out big time with truly awful parents. Hope you have gotten good therapy over the years to help you rise above the horrific violence and verbal abuse you suffered.

I would advise against getting too involved other than giving them a list of places to contact themselves. Anyone who has heaped abuse on their kids does not deserve to get help from those same kids. If they can't figure this out on their own then Adult Protective Services will get involved.

If APS contacts you at some point be SURE to let them know that your parents were very physically and emotionally abusive and you are not going to be involved in their care or oversight. This is information they need to know from you as it may impact where they are placed since your mother has a history of violence/abuse. APS may quickly find beds at a facility which is appropriate for them.

Then let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

My mother was psychologically abusive to me and my siblings and physically abusive to one of my siblings. I could never, ever have her living in my home and stay sane. I manage her care (in an assisted living facility that I partially pay for) from a distance and that is hard enough and I wonder frequently why I’m doing even that. But I don’t think I can walk away, and given that, the cost is worth every penny in terms of being able to distance myself as much as I need. You have no obligation to care for abusive and enabling parents, and the fact that your mother blames her abuse on you speaks volumes. Only you can decide what you’re willing and able to do, but you deserve to put your own needs first…that’s really the only way to heal from childhood abuse Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like many others who post on this forum, it is obvious you are looking for some kind of absolution so you can refuse to help your parents, including your mother who heaped abuse on you.

Adult children are NEVER obligated to their parents for anything, ever. If you do not want to help your parents then don't. There are plenty of agencies who can provide them with assistance, including finding a Medicaid facility to put them in.

You just need to make it very clear that you will not be helping them and they are on their own. That is the minimum humane thing you need to do so they have zero expectations that they can look to you.

Go online and find all the local senior citizen helping agencies, put together a list of their phone numbers and hand it over when you tell them they are on their own.

Don't bother talking to your mother anymore about the abuse you suffered at her hands. Just let her know that she was not a good mother, you learned a lot from her and won't make the same mistakes with your kids.

Be thankful the lessons you learned about parenting will undoubtedly result in your kids never having any similar complaints about you.

This. I worked with a therapist to figure out my boundaries. I used to be so filled with guilt, but I found no matter what I did for her it was not enough and a chance to heap on more abuse. So I'd rather do far less and have the same response, than burn myself out and be filled with resentment and hatred. You will never get an apology. For a number of reasons I do want to be in my mother's life, I just look out for her with MAJOR boundaries. If she ever is in the hospital and they want to release her to me I will share the abuse. Luckily she can afford residential, she just insists she must age in place. Her neighbors don't seem to like her much and she has alienated some of her friends so not sure how she thinks that will work, but I can't control her.

[Anonymous]

OP I have done my best to be in my abusive mother's life and help her, but after her last outburst I am so over it. I encourage you to listen the "No more Fs' to Give" song on youtube !