I know this is completely unethical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely do that. I was in your shoes and tried to do the "right" thing, which made my life hell. Abusive people will use your child to abuse you, and will abuse your child. You are doing the right thing by protecting your child from him.

Consult with multiple attorneys because most suck, and find one that actually gives a F about you. I met with 6-7 before I found one that had any idea what they were talking about and who actually cared.

If you have the baby where you are, you will likely be stuck there. Relocation is extremely difficult. Remember, you can always move *back* if dad suddenly changes and can be an effective parent.

His parents will not be able to take the baby, no matter how much money or influence they have. They will tell you otherwise (believe me, been there) and will try to manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

Cut off all contact with ex, get off of social media, block his number. #1 thing is to find a good attorney, tho.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom who had a kid with a man I shouldn't have despite using BC. My kids are now in HS. I love them, but I wish I had loved myself enough to leave and have a baby on my own or in a healthy relationship. And I wish I had loved them enough to choose more wisely about their father and family.

You think that you can be everything to them. You can't. You also can't make up for having a crappy dad. Yes, my kids are OK, and I am delighted to have them. But, after 2 decades I realize that I could have had an equally delightful set of kids on my own without all the headaches and heartaches caused by a crappy abusive dad. And, they deserved a far better father or at least no father at all rather than the crappy unreliable dad that they got that makes them feel less than.

There is no way to have this child without them eventually finding out what you did. The child may be OK with what you chose but if not you may lose them forever.

It is also extremely unlikely that your abusive partner will leave you alone if he figures this out. You will not fare well in court if he comes after you, even if you have documentation of abuse.

Love yourself and your future kids enough to have an abortion, get out of this abusive situation and start over with a sperm donor. I know you think you are "too old," but if you had a pregnancy within 6 months while using condoms, then you are capable of getting pregnant at your age without great difficulty.

I am telling you what I wish someone had told me and what I would tell my own daughter.

[Anonymous]

You should tell him that you are pregnant, that you want nothing to do with him, that you are moving back home and he should not be concerned about him having any obligations. He might be relieved.

[Anonymous]

This is a really bad idea. There is a very good chance he will find out at some point (Googling you out of curiosity, which everyone does; showing up where he thinks you’ve gone and seeing you’re still pregnant) and he is actually more likely to get rights because of the fraud aspect. You don’t want to spend your whole life looking over your shoulder and hiding the kid. Just leave him. Move where you plan. Chances are, from everything you said, he will end up with summer visitation at most and your kid won’t miss out on having a dad/won’t find out you lied to him & the dad and resent you forever. Seriously, this is a really bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Couldn’t you just also have been cheating on him? Would he still want the baby if it wasn’t his?

Or just tell him he cheated, it’s over and you got an abortion.

If your gut is telling you he’s bad news and abusive then I would absolutely carry on with your plan. You would need to do it fast though. Then get the hell out of dodge.

He wouldn't believe me. Not only that he would demand a paternity test.

If this is true, you know that this won’t end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom who had a kid with a man I shouldn't have despite using BC. My kids are now in HS. I love them, but I wish I had loved myself enough to leave and have a baby on my own or in a healthy relationship. And I wish I had loved them enough to choose more wisely about their father and family.

You think that you can be everything to them. You can't. You also can't make up for having a crappy dad. Yes, my kids are OK, and I am delighted to have them. But, after 2 decades I realize that I could have had an equally delightful set of kids on my own without all the headaches and heartaches caused by a crappy abusive dad. And, they deserved a far better father or at least no father at all rather than the crappy unreliable dad that they got that makes them feel less than.

There is no way to have this child without them eventually finding out what you did. The child may be OK with what you chose but if not you may lose them forever.

It is also extremely unlikely that your abusive partner will leave you alone if he figures this out. You will not fare well in court if he comes after you, even if you have documentation of abuse.

Love yourself and your future kids enough to have an abortion, get out of this abusive situation and start over with a sperm donor. I know you think you are "too old," but if you had a pregnancy within 6 months while using condoms, then you are capable of getting pregnant at your age without great difficulty.

I am telling you what I wish someone had told me and what I would tell my own daughter.

We weren't using condoms when I got pregnant. It's not just my age there's health stuff I don't want to go into. Thank you for the advice but for me personally abortion is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Birth certificates are public record. He'll easily be able to find things out by doing a genealogy search using your name and DOB.

Why would he go looking if he thinks I miscarried? He is supposed to go out of town soon for work. I'm planning on " miscarrying" then. Once I move he will probably attempt to call I will most likely change my number

It's a permanent record. Are you sure he wont' google you any time in the next 18 years?

Go Google one of your parent's names right now. I bet you'll find a result with your name listed there also. Guess where that information is coming from...

They don't list minor children on people search sites. But if this is real, the OP needs to remove her information from the White Pages and other sites because she won't want her ex to find her. It will take some effort or she can use a service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell him that you are pregnant, that you want nothing to do with him, that you are moving back home and he should not be concerned about him having any obligations. He might be relieved.

Hi will make OP's life hell forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom who had a kid with a man I shouldn't have despite using BC. My kids are now in HS. I love them, but I wish I had loved myself enough to leave and have a baby on my own or in a healthy relationship. And I wish I had loved them enough to choose more wisely about their father and family.

You think that you can be everything to them. You can't. You also can't make up for having a crappy dad. Yes, my kids are OK, and I am delighted to have them. But, after 2 decades I realize that I could have had an equally delightful set of kids on my own without all the headaches and heartaches caused by a crappy abusive dad. And, they deserved a far better father or at least no father at all rather than the crappy unreliable dad that they got that makes them feel less than.

There is no way to have this child without them eventually finding out what you did. The child may be OK with what you chose but if not you may lose them forever.

It is also extremely unlikely that your abusive partner will leave you alone if he figures this out. You will not fare well in court if he comes after you, even if you have documentation of abuse.

Love yourself and your future kids enough to have an abortion, get out of this abusive situation and start over with a sperm donor. I know you think you are "too old," but if you had a pregnancy within 6 months while using condoms, then you are capable of getting pregnant at your age without great difficulty.

I am telling you what I wish someone had told me and what I would tell my own daughter.

Great advice. I would heed it.

[Anonymous]

I would not terminate in this situation, but I'd seek legal advice and document every instance of abuse. And move right away before he gets more involved. He may just back off.

[Anonymous]

From what you have said, your child’s father has cheated on you and has been verbally abusive for a few weeks. What on gods earth makes you think this gives you the right to have your shared a child, never tell him, and strip him of all parental rights? you do not get to choose for your child not to know their other parent simply because he has wronged you. And his having been verbally abusive toward you does not change that in anyway. You simply do not have the right to do what you are seeking to do. You have the right unilaterally to have an abortion, which you are choosing not to do. If you have a child it is your collective, joint child. How can you possibly think that this is the right decision? if anything, it shows that you have incredibly bad judgment and I would hope that your child would at least have the benefits of the best parts of you and your former fiancé as parents. and you wouldn’t really have your child need to avoid any social media presence due to your ridiculous decision making? To have to always wonder who his or her dad is? If I were ever to condone someone taking a child away from the child’s other parent, it would only be two to immediate, physical risk to the child, and certainly not several weeks of rubble of abuse toward me combined with my being upset I was cheated on.Honestly, what is wrong with you that you are so self absorbed?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, although it would be heartbreaking, I would abort.

No hell like being connected to an abusive man and not being able to protect your innocent child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what you have said, your child’s father has cheated on you and has been verbally abusive for a few weeks. What on gods earth makes you think this gives you the right to have your shared a child, never tell him, and strip him of all parental rights? you do not get to choose for your child not to know their other parent simply because he has wronged you. And his having been verbally abusive toward you does not change that in anyway. You simply do not have the right to do what you are seeking to do. You have the right unilaterally to have an abortion, which you are choosing not to do. If you have a child it is your collective, joint child. How can you possibly think that this is the right decision? if anything, it shows that you have incredibly bad judgment and I would hope that your child would at least have the benefits of the best parts of you and your former fiancé as parents. and you wouldn’t really have your child need to avoid any social media presence due to your ridiculous decision making? To have to always wonder who his or her dad is? If I were ever to condone someone taking a child away from the child’s other parent, it would only be two to immediate, physical risk to the child, and certainly not several weeks of rubble of abuse toward me combined with my being upset I was cheated on.Honestly, what is wrong with you that you are so self absorbed?

Did you miss the part about him kicking me physically kicking me off of a bed?
I was sitting straight up and he kicked me several times to shove me off the foot of the bed. Maybe in your home you're okay with being verbally and now physically abused but I'm not.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all the advice negative and positive...
Again I'm not a troll and I'm not a side chick. I'm not sure what I've said to make anyone think that.
Have a nice weekend everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a family law expert, but it’s your fetus your choice. I doubt a judge would award 50/50 custody down the road if the dad is geographically elsewhere and seeks partial custody

This is my hope. From what I've read if I gave birth on the other side of the country there's not a lot he can do. If I gave birth here I could be made to stay?? I'm still reading. He and his family have a lot of money and I come from nothing. My worry is they will use their money and influence to take my baby.

You need to consult your own attorney - preferably in the jurisdiction where you intend to live with the child. If you can move across the country, have the baby there, and settle there, then it's possible he never finds out. Obviously you don't want to tell him or put his name on the birth certificate. If you establish residency elsewhere then I think it would be very, very difficult, if not impossible, to make you move. Especially if you do this before the baby is born.

In general, when a couple is not married, paternity has to be established - whether it's agreeing to his name on the birth certificate or a blood test - it's not assumed. If he finds out your pregnant then he might be able to force a DNA test. He might be able to get visitation rights. Your child will also probably want to know about their dad when they are older.

If you want to have the baby, have the baby. I just wouldn't bury your head in the sand on what things are going to look like in the future. And how will you handle always looking over your shoulder. That's not to discourage you. Just go in with your eyes open.