Why do people with demanding jobs choose to have 3+ kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 6 kids.... I think kids don't need so much one in one. Ducks from the dcum rotten tomatoes. I make sure they each have carved out time. Was easier before Covid with regular shopping trips. One kid came Monday, one kid weds, another gets speech therapy so we have the way there and back. As long as there's space and time they can count on to talk about whatever is on their mind. My kids complain about lots of things (mainly my cooking and not having as much stuff) but not about lack of attention, and we're easygoing personalities

I think what people here seem to be forgetting is that kids don't really WANT to be with parents all the time. They love playing with other kids. Siblings are great for that. And those siblings growing up are going to make for a great tribe. We need as mighty of a village as we can muster well into adulthood. So good for you, PP. I have 3 and feel like it's too little. We wanted 4 but couldn't make it happen, so we're happy with the 3 that we have.

I totally agree with this.

I have 3 kids and cannot handle more both financially and time wise. That said, I would never judge someone that chooses to have more kids. We all have our own beliefs on what is more important (siblings, education, 1:1 time with parents, etc.).

I have personally seen more single child family that turn to tv, sleeping pills, video games, etc. to entertain their kid than families with multiple kids. This is probably because when you have a sibling you can entertain yourself playing with them...

Ok, sure, but you get the whole sibling relationship/playmate thing from having 2.

Sure, but 2 friends is better than 1...

Diminishing returns.

[Anonymous]

Status is part of it if I’m being honest but I wouldn’t have three only for status. I love being a mom but it feels good to project that we have enough money for three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, status NEVER crosses my mind when I see someone with 3 kids. Never.

lol...I was thinking that same thing. I really don't see how having multiple kids can be a status symbol.

DP, but for some people, more kids = more resources, more balls you're able to juggle, more "success" if you also work (think ACB and everyone fawning over her seven (seven!!!) children (she has it all!)).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, status NEVER crosses my mind when I see someone with 3 kids. Never.

lol...I was thinking that same thing. I really don't see how having multiple kids can be a status symbol.

DP, but for some people, more kids = more resources, more balls you're able to juggle, more "success" if you also work (think ACB and everyone fawning over her seven (seven!!!) children (she has it all!)).

There are easier ways to show you have resources. Vacation homes, private schools and tutors, nice house etc. I cannot believe that people make a third kid choice for “status.”

We want three because when we picture our family 15, 30 years from now we want 3 teenagers or adults sitting with us. DH is from a big family, I’m not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, status NEVER crosses my mind when I see someone with 3 kids. Never.

lol...I was thinking that same thing. I really don't see how having multiple kids can be a status symbol.

DP, but for some people, more kids = more resources, more balls you're able to juggle, more "success" if you also work (think ACB and everyone fawning over her seven (seven!!!) children (she has it all!)).

There are easier ways to show you have resources. Vacation homes, private schools and tutors, nice house etc. I cannot believe that people make a third kid choice for “status.”

We want three because when we picture our family 15, 30 years from now we want 3 teenagers or adults sitting with us. DH is from a big family, I’m not.

I don't disagree that there are easier ways to show you have resources, but I absolutely think there are people who have a third (or fourth, now) kid to signal status. They may not even be aware of that as a factor, but I know way too many Type A people who get a charge out of their ability to display their professional and parental prowess by having 3+ kids. It wasn't why we have three kids, but is that a reason for some people? Totally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, status NEVER crosses my mind when I see someone with 3 kids. Never.

lol...I was thinking that same thing. I really don't see how having multiple kids can be a status symbol.

DP, but for some people, more kids = more resources, more balls you're able to juggle, more "success" if you also work (think ACB and everyone fawning over her seven (seven!!!) children (she has it all!)).

There are easier ways to show you have resources. Vacation homes, private schools and tutors, nice house etc. I cannot believe that people make a third kid choice for “status.”

We want three because when we picture our family 15, 30 years from now we want 3 teenagers or adults sitting with us. DH is from a big family, I’m not.

I don't disagree that there are easier ways to show you have resources, but I absolutely think there are people who have a third (or fourth, now) kid to signal status. They may not even be aware of that as a factor, but I know way too many Type A people who get a charge out of their ability to display their professional and parental prowess by having 3+ kids. It wasn't why we have three kids, but is that a reason for some people? Totally.

lol. Again, the thought would never cross my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.

Agree. What is with all the insistence of 1:1 time. Kids don't want that daily for prolonged periods

It’s not just about 1:1 time. A parent also has to spend time thinking about the kid too. Whether they’re meeting milestones. Whether they’re okay physically, emotionally, socially, academically. Helping them with homework. Buying clothes for them. Finding good activities and summer camps to enroll them in. Participating in events for school and activities.

Most parents with demanding jobs and too many kids either outsource all of that parenting to others. Or else decide they’re not going to bother and just do the bare minimum for their kids. And I’m not a SAHM, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.

Agree. What is with all the insistence of 1:1 time. Kids don't want that daily for prolonged periods

It’s not just about 1:1 time. A parent also has to spend time thinking about the kid too. Whether they’re meeting milestones. Whether they’re okay physically, emotionally, socially, academically. Helping them with homework. Buying clothes for them. Finding good activities and summer camps to enroll them in. Participating in events for school and activities.

Most parents with demanding jobs and too many kids either outsource all of that parenting to others. Or else decide they’re not going to bother and just do the bare minimum for their kids. And I’m not a SAHM, btw.

I’m the original SAHM poster, and I absolutely would not be able to do all the stuff I do and have a demanding full-time job. But most of what I do could be easily done by someone else! School events, assessing activities and milestones and helping kids deal with social issues, sure, that really does want a parent. But my time is mostly spent tidying, cooking, cleaning, mediating squabbles, wiping butts, transporting — all of that a good nanny or housekeeper could do just fine. It’s not how I choose to live my life, both because I enjoy doing these things to take care of my family and because it’s easier to keep track of what’s going on my kids’ lives when we’re in the same place, but it’s certainly possible. My husband seems to do all the “this really needs a parent” jobs while running a company. I guess he and I spend more time talking about the kids than we would with a hypothetical nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.

Agree. What is with all the insistence of 1:1 time. Kids don't want that daily for prolonged periods

It’s not just about 1:1 time. A parent also has to spend time thinking about the kid too. Whether they’re meeting milestones. Whether they’re okay physically, emotionally, socially, academically. Helping them with homework. Buying clothes for them. Finding good activities and summer camps to enroll them in. Participating in events for school and activities.

Most parents with demanding jobs and too many kids either outsource all of that parenting to others. Or else decide they’re not going to bother and just do the bare minimum for their kids. And I’m not a SAHM, btw.

I’m the original SAHM poster, and I absolutely would not be able to do all the stuff I do and have a demanding full-time job. But most of what I do could be easily done by someone else! School events, assessing activities and milestones and helping kids deal with social issues, sure, that really does want a parent. But my time is mostly spent tidying, cooking, cleaning, mediating squabbles, wiping butts, transporting — all of that a good nanny or housekeeper could do just fine. It’s not how I choose to live my life, both because I enjoy doing these things to take care of my family and because it’s easier to keep track of what’s going on my kids’ lives when we’re in the same place, but it’s certainly possible. My husband seems to do all the “this really needs a parent” jobs while running a company. I guess he and I spend more time talking about the kids than we would with a hypothetical nanny?

Thank you. Someone has to do those things, but they are not the most important part of parenting. The important part is the helping with emotional regulation, the emotional support, listening. I can pay someone to wipe butts if I have a job. For us we waited to have a third until we felt we could be emotionally present enough for them. This requires outsourcing of other things so we could prioritize our mental health. Can’t pour from an empty cup and all that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.

Agree. What is with all the insistence of 1:1 time. Kids don't want that daily for prolonged periods

It’s not just about 1:1 time. A parent also has to spend time thinking about the kid too. Whether they’re meeting milestones. Whether they’re okay physically, emotionally, socially, academically. Helping them with homework. Buying clothes for them. Finding good activities and summer camps to enroll them in. Participating in events for school and activities.

Most parents with demanding jobs and too many kids either outsource all of that parenting to others. Or else decide they’re not going to bother and just do the bare minimum for their kids. And I’m not a SAHM, btw.

I’m the original SAHM poster, and I absolutely would not be able to do all the stuff I do and have a demanding full-time job. But most of what I do could be easily done by someone else! School events, assessing activities and milestones and helping kids deal with social issues, sure, that really does want a parent. But my time is mostly spent tidying, cooking, cleaning, mediating squabbles, wiping butts, transporting — all of that a good nanny or housekeeper could do just fine. It’s not how I choose to live my life, both because I enjoy doing these things to take care of my family and because it’s easier to keep track of what’s going on my kids’ lives when we’re in the same place, but it’s certainly possible. My husband seems to do all the “this really needs a parent” jobs while running a company. I guess he and I spend more time talking about the kids than we would with a hypothetical nanny?

Thank you. Someone has to do those things, but they are not the most important part of parenting. The important part is the helping with emotional regulation, the emotional support, listening. I can pay someone to wipe butts if I have a job. For us we waited to have a third until we felt we could be emotionally present enough for them. This requires outsourcing of other things so we could prioritize our mental health. Can’t pour from an empty cup and all that

Wait, so you outsource buying clothes for your kids, planning activities and summer camps, participating in their events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Status is part of it if I’m being honest but I wouldn’t have three only for status. I love being a mom but it feels good to project that we have enough money for three.

+1

Accessories. Too much reality tv.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think they hire help and don't really even see their kids that much, so they don't think about it being a big deal...

That’s not at all what I see. We have three as do lots of our friends. One of ours has special needs. We had daycare and sometimes we had a cleaner, but not usually. Most of the people we know had a similar level of help. We spend lots of time with our kids and we had them because we love kids. I never thought it was that hard.

How many hours do you each work per week? What do you do for childcare? I frankly see from everyone that I know that if you have more than two kids you have to have one parent that has a very flexible and or no job. That is if you want to spend any time at all with them. Your mileage may vary.

Absolutely this. Every family with more than 2 kids that I know - with two full time working parents - has EXTENSIVE help with childcare. If not, and there are more than 2 kids, one parent has a very flexible job or no job. There's nothing wrong with childcare - I use it for my 2 - but these are just the facts. I can name 20 families with 3 off the top of my head and every one of them fits into this category (many more into the latter - one spouse with very flexible and/or no job).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.

Agree. What is with all the insistence of 1:1 time. Kids don't want that daily for prolonged periods

It’s not just about 1:1 time. A parent also has to spend time thinking about the kid too. Whether they’re meeting milestones. Whether they’re okay physically, emotionally, socially, academically. Helping them with homework. Buying clothes for them. Finding good activities and summer camps to enroll them in. Participating in events for school and activities.

Most parents with demanding jobs and too many kids either outsource all of that parenting to others. Or else decide they’re not going to bother and just do the bare minimum for their kids. And I’m not a SAHM, btw.

I’m the original SAHM poster, and I absolutely would not be able to do all the stuff I do and have a demanding full-time job. But most of what I do could be easily done by someone else! School events, assessing activities and milestones and helping kids deal with social issues, sure, that really does want a parent. But my time is mostly spent tidying, cooking, cleaning, mediating squabbles, wiping butts, transporting — all of that a good nanny or housekeeper could do just fine. It’s not how I choose to live my life, both because I enjoy doing these things to take care of my family and because it’s easier to keep track of what’s going on my kids’ lives when we’re in the same place, but it’s certainly possible. My husband seems to do all the “this really needs a parent” jobs while running a company. I guess he and I spend more time talking about the kids than we would with a hypothetical nanny?

What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.

Agree. What is with all the insistence of 1:1 time. Kids don't want that daily for prolonged periods

It’s not just about 1:1 time. A parent also has to spend time thinking about the kid too. Whether they’re meeting milestones. Whether they’re okay physically, emotionally, socially, academically. Helping them with homework. Buying clothes for them. Finding good activities and summer camps to enroll them in. Participating in events for school and activities.

Most parents with demanding jobs and too many kids either outsource all of that parenting to others. Or else decide they’re not going to bother and just do the bare minimum for their kids. And I’m not a SAHM, btw.

I’m the original SAHM poster, and I absolutely would not be able to do all the stuff I do and have a demanding full-time job. But most of what I do could be easily done by someone else! School events, assessing activities and milestones and helping kids deal with social issues, sure, that really does want a parent. But my time is mostly spent tidying, cooking, cleaning, mediating squabbles, wiping butts, transporting — all of that a good nanny or housekeeper could do just fine. It’s not how I choose to live my life, both because I enjoy doing these things to take care of my family and because it’s easier to keep track of what’s going on my kids’ lives when we’re in the same place, but it’s certainly possible. My husband seems to do all the “this really needs a parent” jobs while running a company. I guess he and I spend more time talking about the kids than we would with a hypothetical nanny?

Thank you. Someone has to do those things, but they are not the most important part of parenting. The important part is the helping with emotional regulation, the emotional support, listening. I can pay someone to wipe butts if I have a job. For us we waited to have a third until we felt we could be emotionally present enough for them. This requires outsourcing of other things so we could prioritize our mental health. Can’t pour from an empty cup and all that

Kids need their parents doing those things as its part of parenting. If you outsource everything down to wiping butts, then what really is your role as a parent except to pay for things. Clothing, shopping, cooking are not a big deal and those can be outsourced, but its part of being involved as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.

Agree. What is with all the insistence of 1:1 time. Kids don't want that daily for prolonged periods

It’s not just about 1:1 time. A parent also has to spend time thinking about the kid too. Whether they’re meeting milestones. Whether they’re okay physically, emotionally, socially, academically. Helping them with homework. Buying clothes for them. Finding good activities and summer camps to enroll them in. Participating in events for school and activities.

Most parents with demanding jobs and too many kids either outsource all of that parenting to others. Or else decide they’re not going to bother and just do the bare minimum for their kids. And I’m not a SAHM, btw.

I’m the original SAHM poster, and I absolutely would not be able to do all the stuff I do and have a demanding full-time job. But most of what I do could be easily done by someone else! School events, assessing activities and milestones and helping kids deal with social issues, sure, that really does want a parent. But my time is mostly spent tidying, cooking, cleaning, mediating squabbles, wiping butts, transporting — all of that a good nanny or housekeeper could do just fine. It’s not how I choose to live my life, both because I enjoy doing these things to take care of my family and because it’s easier to keep track of what’s going on my kids’ lives when we’re in the same place, but it’s certainly possible. My husband seems to do all the “this really needs a parent” jobs while running a company. I guess he and I spend more time talking about the kids than we would with a hypothetical nanny?

Thank you. Someone has to do those things, but they are not the most important part of parenting. The important part is the helping with emotional regulation, the emotional support, listening. I can pay someone to wipe butts if I have a job. For us we waited to have a third until we felt we could be emotionally present enough for them. This requires outsourcing of other things so we could prioritize our mental health. Can’t pour from an empty cup and all that

Kids need their parents doing those things as its part of parenting. If you outsource everything down to wiping butts, then what really is your role as a parent except to pay for things. Clothing, shopping, cooking are not a big deal and those can be outsourced, but its part of being involved as a parent.

DH and I work FT (albeit in very flexible, not typically demanding jobs) and have three kids. I think too many parents focus on quality over quantity time with their kids, but kids need at least some quantity, too. The people who are wiping butts are also the ones *present* most of the time. Being able to truly help kids with emotional development means knowing them and being around enough to have a sense of what they need. You can’t just do that while you’re at brunch Sunday morning or at your weekly outing or whatever.

Even things like schlepping kids to activities: you can learn SO much about your kids during those car rides, whether from talking to them or listening to their conversations with friends when you’re older. So, sure, we had our kids in daycare before they started school, but they also didn’t spend 11 hours/day there, nor did we hire babysitters for large chunks of our weekends. There’s a balance between spending every non-working moment with your kids and outsourcing everything.