I ran into a neighbor with someone who wasn't his wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone had told me about my now exDH's affairs. It would have allowed me to end our relationship earlier and maybe to have had a better life. The fact that none of our many mutual personal and professional friends blew the whistle on him to me was yet another level of betrayal.

Infidelity is a form of sexual abuse if it is done without the consent of the partner. My experience was traumatizing. Not only did I lose a partner, but I lost people I thought were friends and an entire professional network. And the silence of society around that has made life very difficult.

Your silence makes you a bystander in support of the perpetrator.

The silence of society around inappropriate sexual behavior is exactly what promotes our culture of rape, abuse and harrassment of women. Those of you who keep these secrets are no better than the men around the Harvey Weinsteins of the world who say, "I didn't know." "Maybe she wants it like that." "It's not my place to say anything.". "I might lose something if I tell."

Sorry for what happened to you! Do you have children?

I would also feel betrayed if close friends, or even casual friends, knew and said nothing. But is it really a neighbor’s place to say something? Friends would know better whether you had an open marriage, how strongly you felt about fidelity, what your resources might be to divorce.

OP could possibly tell a friend of the neighbor, maybe another neighbor she is closer to, who could be the one to break the news.

I would not recommend talking about this to the other neighbors. That really would be gossiping. Saying directly to the neighbor "I was surprised to see your husband on a romantic date at XYZ restaurant. Are you two still together?" is probably the best way to approach it.

You would be telling her what YOU saw so that if she has questions she can hear it from the horse's mouth. If she acts irritated that you would dare ask her such a thing, then back off, apologize and tell her that you will not mention this again. After that, she is on her own and you know to steer clear of her. Seriously.

Op wasn't peeping in windows, she wasn't using her binoculars to catch this guy....she was out at a local restaurant and saw him openly having a romantic date with a woman who was not his wife. If Op saw him, other neighbors could have seen him, too. This is public information now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is absolutely no way to tell her without appearing like a smug, gossiping busybody. No matter how tactfully youbthink you can phrase it, that’s how you will be interpreted. Let it go.

Smug? What? Where does smug come into this? Quite often, I am reminded of the fact that there are people on this site who are so selfish, petty and judgmental that they are mistrusting of all OTHER people; they are literally unable to fathom the idea of someone being a decent person, because they can't relate to it at all themselves

OP there is absolutely a discrete, decent and classy way to do this, and it's called looking out for another human. You should let her know

[Anonymous]

Wait a few weeks and drop an anonymous note in the mailbox suggested she may want to hire a PI to follow her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone had told me about my now exDH's affairs. It would have allowed me to end our relationship earlier and maybe to have had a better life. The fact that none of our many mutual personal and professional friends blew the whistle on him to me was yet another level of betrayal.

Infidelity is a form of sexual abuse if it is done without the consent of the partner. My experience was traumatizing. Not only did I lose a partner, but I lost people I thought were friends and an entire professional network. And the silence of society around that has made life very difficult.

Your silence makes you a bystander in support of the perpetrator.

The silence of society around inappropriate sexual behavior is exactly what promotes our culture of rape, abuse and harrassment of women. Those of you who keep these secrets are no better than the men around the Harvey Weinsteins of the world who say, "I didn't know." "Maybe she wants it like that." "It's not my place to say anything.". "I might lose something if I tell."

+100. This isn't Rocket science. Just tell her "Hey Barb. This is awkward, but I saw Bob at a restaurant where he was kissing another woman. I don't want to presume anything about your relationship, but if it were my husband, I'd want to know. Obviously I will keep this to myself and won't mention it again."

The only thing I would add to this is "but if you need my support I am here for you. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is absolutely no way to tell her without appearing like a smug, gossiping busybody. No matter how tactfully youbthink you can phrase it, that’s how you will be interpreted. Let it go.

Smug? What? Where does smug come into this? Quite often, I am reminded of the fact that there are people on this site who are so selfish, petty and judgmental that they are mistrusting of all OTHER people; they are literally unable to fathom the idea of someone being a decent person, because they can't relate to it at all themselves

OP there is absolutely a discrete, decent and classy way to do this, and it's called looking out for another human. You should let her know

This!!!!!

Also, OP, I think a lot of your concern has to do with the idea that you believe someone being cheated on does know, and therefore saying something is not necessary. What I can say to you is that she may not know at all. Or she may realize something is amiss but not really know what or why. Or she may know, but not have any concrete proof. And you seem to think, on some level, that if she's being cheated on, it's because she's crazy or sick or dramatic and the husband is the sympathetic character. But maybe she's all of those things because she's being cheated on, is living a lie, and is being gas lighted. Or maybe she is a crazy, terrible wife and the husband should be pitied. Even in that case, I still think she doesn't deserve to be lied to. Not even people who are unlikable should have their agency taken away from them.

[Anonymous]

Saying directly to the neighbor "I was surprised to see your husband on a romantic date at XYZ restaurant. Are you two still together?" is probably the best way to approach it.

Wow, I would never in a million years say that part to a neighbor who was not a good friend in addition. My neighbors have no obligation to tell me the status of their relationships, nor would I ask them to. It isn't my business.

[Anonymous]

What if you were a neighbor and you saw your neighbor beating his wife? Would you say something? Maybe yes, because it's clearly a crime and you can go to the police (nowadays at least). What if you saw your neighbor verbally bullying his wife? Would you say something? No? Why? Because it's not a crime? Because saying something might cost you something? Would you feel good about yourself knowing someone was being abused and you did nothing?

That's what this is to a non-consenting spouse - abuse. I can't tell you what it would have meant to me at the time if one person had said to me, "I know. I am here for you if you need help."

[Anonymous]

^^ The main difference is that by your silence, you are implying that it's OK, we can't expect anything better, we asked for it or we deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Saying directly to the neighbor "I was surprised to see your husband on a romantic date at XYZ restaurant. Are you two still together?" is probably the best way to approach it.

Wow, I would never in a million years say that part to a neighbor who was not a good friend in addition. My neighbors have no obligation to tell me the status of their relationships, nor would I ask them to. It isn't my business.

Then say it another way. Say that you saw her husband kissing another woman at a restaurant and that you thought she should know. Whatever words make you feel the most comfortable. Just say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I am in the MYOB camp - especially since OP and the woman are not close.

I think that a lot of people on DCUM think that these situations are like Lifetime movies. They tell the wife, she kicks the husband out, they look like heroes and everyone lives happily ever after. I have posted about this before, but I personally know of a situation where the "informer" was physically assaulted by the cheater who showed up at her house with a gun.

If OP tells, the cheater is going to know it was her who told (or he will make an educated guess). Come on! He sees OP in the cafe and his wife finds out soon after that he was out with another woman. You do not need CSI to crack that one. His wife has a right to know - but OP has the right to keep herself and her family safe. This man lives in close proximity to OP and has access to her and her family. I would stay out of it. He knows that you know and that may enough motivation for him to tone it down.

That sounds more like a Lifetime movie than anything. And no, I don't think it's going to end like a movie. But I think she has a right to know. Back in college, I found out a friend's BF was cheating on her. I told. He denied, she chose to believe him and they wound up getting married and moved to Hawaii and I was excised from her life. But I did the right thing, and I'd do it again. The truth is never the wrong choice. You didn't try to find out this information, but he put it out there. Give the wife the chance to make an informed choice. Even if the choice is that she stays and you become the bad guy in her mind. If they stay married, there's a good chance they'll move away, so she feels less humiliated (because deep down she'll know you're telling the truth).

PP here. I get that telling her is the admirable thing to do and I guess I would want to know if I were in her position. But in this age of guns and "men run amok," you do not know how these things are going to play out. I am not going to potentially place my family at risk for someone who is, at best, a casual acquaintance. My allegiance is to my safety and my family's safety. She has the right to know but I also have the right to weigh the risks of telling her.

[Anonymous]

^And that right there ladies and gentlemen is why abuse of all kinds continues to happen. PP, you are little better than a perpetrator, especially when you rely on those kind of unlikely and extreme consequences as justification for not doing the right thing.

I hope my children do not turn out like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^And that right there ladies and gentlemen is why abuse of all kinds continues to happen. PP, you are little better than a perpetrator, especially when you rely on those kind of unlikely and extreme consequences as justification for not doing the right thing.

I hope my children do not turn out like you.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP- what did you decide to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless I was friends with her, I wouldn't say anything directly. At least not immediately.

However, if I did find myself in conversation with her, I'd probably ask something that would strongly imply that I assumed their marriage was an open one. And then see if she sweeps it under the rug or acts surprised and asks me what I mean. So basically act like I'm MYOB but really letting her know in a nice way. And I'd be the shocked one, acting like of course I just assumed it was an open marriage since he was kissing a woman on the lips repeatedly in a restaurant, hope I didn't get anyone into trouble, etc.

But I would definitely want to know, and so I'd not feel good acting like everything was fine with her, just in case it's not.

+10000.

This; same.

I would do this in theory but I am really curious as to how you see this conversation ending. If you aren't close with someone how do you say, "Hey, so you guys are swingers, right?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a married man and we were constantly out in public and PDA. He’d told me he was separated, so i had good grounds to believe him (he also stayed overnight at my house at least once or twice a week). I have no idea why he was so bold. Maybe he wanted to get caught, who knows? But I’m on Team MYOB.

Hmmm...the married man you dated, did he have a WOH wife or a SAH wife. Were you working and independent? Were you single?

NP here but I dated a married man who told me he was separated, too, when was young, single, and working. I had no reason not to believe him - we went out in public, he spent the night, etc. I later found out he was "happily" married and traveled a lot for work, which I guess was his excuse for not coming home at night.