Rising High School Senior just decided to extend his trip...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The GF parents give her free-rein with no restrictions at all. They wouldn't care if she was with my son alone for the entire summer.

Imagine that in Europe they think an 18year old, adult, can manage their time. Maybe thats why the average 15 year old in Europe has the maturity level of the average 23 year old American. you said "alone with my son" like you think they arent having sex already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this out of character for him? I am curious about how he let you know about his plans.. Did he call you or just send an email? In any case, take this opportunity to take a deep breath and think about your conversation when he does arrive home. Let your DH take the lead with your son. Sometimes a naggy mom doesn't have the same impact. It is time for a discussion about respect, trust etc. This would seriously cross the line in my household. While I always supported my 2 boys, they would NEVER inform me of a 6 day vacation change. Don't allow him to pull the "I am an adult" card. Remind him that if he wants to be an adult, his college tuition is HIS responsibility.

OP here again and thank you everyone. Okay - so...
DS let us know by text. A sort of "by the way..." and is now unreachable as they are somewhere in rural Sweden with, apparently, no cell service. I don't believe it but can't prove it.

He totally paid for this trip with his own money. He had a great summer job and worked hard.

He is not in any fall sport and his schedule is set - but he is senior class president and probably should have been back before school starts to do stuff... but I am not even sure about that.

He is a top student - very responsible with grades/school work and actually very responsible about helping his younger siblings.

He DOES live and eat at home as well as drive our car - but has been tutoring for extra money and hasn't asked us for much since he's been 14.

He will, most likely, get a merit and/or need based scholarship to college.


I am calmer now - thank you all - but just sad. I miss him. I feel like he went to college already and he's gone. I just miss him.

This is what you're really feeling. You've just described a responsible, reliable kid. He's grabbed his freedom rather than waiting for you to give it to him. When you told him things like, "You can go on this trip if you pay for it," you also implicitly told him he could start living life as an adult.

You are doing great as a parent! It just hurts to know he's ready to go, and you thought you had more time.

OP, he sounds like a great kid. He sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. He sounds like he made a decision that he may regret in the very short term a tiny bit due to jet lag, but won't regret one whit long term. This was his decision to make. FWIW, not sure if other folks have already stated this, but kids in that part of the world also have more autonomy earlier, in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay - how was the boy being inconsiderate in extending his own trip? I honestly don't understand - is he missing something that his parents desperately wanted him to attend or do? I am assuming the extra days are not coming out of his parents' pocket here but I could be wrong.

What is the issue exactly with an 18 year old extending his trip by five or six days?

There is no real issue. He was responsible to buy his own ticket and make sure he is back for school, sounds more responsible than a lot 24-year-olds I see. All this"will there be adults" and call her parents is nonsense. Europeans have some crazy idea that an 18 man or woman are capable of making decisions. If they go calling her parents and making a big deal of this outside of the family and emasculate him, then they will see push back for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't blame you for being upset. However, as others have said, he is 18, and you did let him go.
When he gets home, you need to sit him down and remind him what the ground rules are for him while he is (a) still living at home and (b) still dependent on you financially. Make sure he understands your expectations.

I agree with the rules, but I don't think being 18 means anything. If you are living at home, you need to abide by the house rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't blame you for being upset. However, as others have said, he is 18, and you did let him go.
When he gets home, you need to sit him down and remind him what the ground rules are for him while he is (a) still living at home and (b) still dependent on you financially. Make sure he understands your expectations.

Best suggestion yet, rather than this overreact and start calling other people nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think 18 is a magical age at which you get to do whatever you want, especially while still in HS and living at home.

Not sure what you do, OP, but I would be furious too. And not just at lack of control - at the demonstrated lack of maturity and courtesy.

Actually, it is a magical age where your are legally entitled to do what you want within the confines of the law. "Lack of control" he is a MAN , not a boy you arent going to control him like he was 10. Maturity, he bought his own ticket and arranged to be back for school, nothing at all indicates a "lack of maturity". Lack of courtesy, maybe he most likely knew they would not be happy. You views are probably why the US has the most immature, helpless childlike young adults on earth. Really they are typically 5-10 years behind European kids in maturity and ability to fend for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think 18 is a magical age at which you get to do whatever you want, especially while still in HS and living at home.

Not sure what you do, OP, but I would be furious too. And not just at lack of control - at the demonstrated lack of maturity and courtesy.

This. People are acting like this is a college kid, instead of a high schooler who's obviously counting on Mom & Dad to go buy his school supplies so he'll be ready for Day One. He's legally an adult, but he's still a kid in reality.

What are you talkng about, most "college kids" are just as dependent on mommy and daddy taking care of them. This kid unlike most "college kids" bought his own ticket and made his own arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are these 6 days relevant? What, exactly are you so hopping mad about? The only thing you mentioned was jet-lag. You'd never be able to regulate his sleep anyway.

They are hoping mad because they have just met the reality that Junior is a man not and not a little boy. Americans these days coddle their kids like they are morons. Jet-lag wont be an issue. He is 18 not 58.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should have told you in advance but other than that, you need to let it go. Sounds like you've raised an amazing kid. And at least he'll be getting up early for school and going to bed early. Think back to being 18...don't you wish you were on that trip?

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this out of character for him? I am curious about how he let you know about his plans.. Did he call you or just send an email? In any case, take this opportunity to take a deep breath and think about your conversation when he does arrive home. Let your DH take the lead with your son. Sometimes a naggy mom doesn't have the same impact. It is time for a discussion about respect, trust etc. This would seriously cross the line in my household. While I always supported my 2 boys, they would NEVER inform me of a 6 day vacation change. Don't allow him to pull the "I am an adult" card. Remind him that if he wants to be an adult, his college tuition is HIS responsibility.

OP here again and thank you everyone. Okay - so...
DS let us know by text. A sort of "by the way..." and is now unreachable as they are somewhere in rural Sweden with, apparently, no cell service. I don't believe it but can't prove it.

He totally paid for this trip with his own money. He had a great summer job and worked hard.

He is not in any fall sport and his schedule is set - but he is senior class president and probably should have been back before school starts to do stuff... but I am not even sure about that.

He is a top student - very responsible with grades/school work and actually very responsible about helping his younger siblings.

He DOES live and eat at home as well as drive our car - but has been tutoring for extra money and hasn't asked us for much since he's been 14.

He will, most likely, get a merit and/or need based scholarship to college.


I am calmer now - thank you all - but just sad. I miss him. I feel like he went to college already and he's gone. I just miss him.

Wow, and the truth comes out!

Please land your helicopter and let your child grow up. This was a non-issue, clearly.

Stop, PP. OP is working stuff out - she is not a helicopter parent since her kid is on the other side of the ocean without her.

And missing your child is not a non-issue.

Hugs, OP - it gets easier. And I still think he should have asked rather than announced!

Stop? She asks if she was overreacting and she is. It is helicopter parenting combined with the realization he inst mommy little boy anymore. He is in Sweden for Christsakes, not Kabul. So is "missing your child" the issue or him not asking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I never heard of the term "red shirting" until just a few years ago. We were out of the country and didn't want to start him in kindergarten in February when we got back so we waited until the following year. A good number of his classmates turned 18 this summer, too. I didn't know it was such a big deal to wait a year. Apparently to a few of you it is. My bad.

Yes, his applications are done - essays completed - and he did a college class this summer that he aced. No high school summer homework except a reading list which he had finished in June.

Again, thank you everyone.

Sounds like you raised a great kid, be proud. Most kids his age are too lazy to do all that and pay for and plan a trip. Dont waste energy on this, address it let him know it really bothered you but be sure to tell him you are proud of him. Frankly, people here coddle and baby kids so much most are years behind theirs internationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The GF parents give her free-rein with no restrictions at all. They wouldn't care if she was with my son alone for the entire summer.

Imagine that in Europe they think an 18year old, adult, can manage their time. Maybe thats why the average 15 year old in Europe has the maturity level of the average 23 year old American. you said "alone with my son" like you think they arent having sex already.

OH BS! I'd love to know the imaginary Europeans you DCUMERS claim to know. I assure you 15 yo Eutopean kids are not more mature than 23 yo American kids. I can also assure European kids don't do whatever the hell they feel like in regards to home life and their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this out of character for him? I am curious about how he let you know about his plans.. Did he call you or just send an email? In any case, take this opportunity to take a deep breath and think about your conversation when he does arrive home. Let your DH take the lead with your son. Sometimes a naggy mom doesn't have the same impact. It is time for a discussion about respect, trust etc. This would seriously cross the line in my household. While I always supported my 2 boys, they would NEVER inform me of a 6 day vacation change. Don't allow him to pull the "I am an adult" card. Remind him that if he wants to be an adult, his college tuition is HIS responsibility.

OP here again and thank you everyone. Okay - so...
DS let us know by text. A sort of "by the way..." and is now unreachable as they are somewhere in rural Sweden with, apparently, no cell service. I don't believe it but can't prove it.

He totally paid for this trip with his own money. He had a great summer job and worked hard.

He is not in any fall sport and his schedule is set - but he is senior class president and probably should have been back before school starts to do stuff... but I am not even sure about that.

He is a top student - very responsible with grades/school work and actually very responsible about helping his younger siblings.

He DOES live and eat at home as well as drive our car - but has been tutoring for extra money and hasn't asked us for much since he's been 14.

He will, most likely, get a merit and/or need based scholarship to college.


I am calmer now - thank you all - but just sad. I miss him. I feel like he went to college already and he's gone. I just miss him.

Um. Not to alarm you, but this doesn't seem in line with the responsible kid you paint him to be. I'd be seeking some confirmation that he and gf are okay.

Yeah, that sort of thing is totally typical for that age. They expect to get push back from their parents so they do what they want to do and then avoid, avoid, avoid the parents at all costs (we used to call them "The 'Rents" when I was that age).

It's typical for kids who were raised without respect for their parents.

No. It's typical for kids who are asserting their own independence. I was taught to really toe the line as a teen and listen to my parents who had my best interests at heart. But when I hit college age, I started to make decisions for myself w/o running things by them first. Not every choice I made pleased my parents and looking back some of my choices actually were not the best, but I also owned those choices that I made - they were my choices.

There can be a fine line between a parent guiding their young adult/offering helpful suggestions and a parent micromanaging/deciding things FOR their young adult. If a parent remains a little too over involved they will get the push back that I'm referring to.

You said a whole lot of nothing.
It has nothing to do with asserting independence and everything to do with bad manners and basic courtesy. I don't care how many scholarships, teams, clubs or what grades your kids have if they get to 18 and show the complete rudeness Op's son has you have failed.

You're a sanctimonious fool, PP. 18 year old's mess up - that's all. Rarely do I write this - in fact I have never written this before: I feel sorry for your children.

I think you should worry about your own kids and not pps. Seems like her's will be just fine as they are being raised not to believe the entire world revolves around them. Can't say the same for your kids, but at least they got into Ivy right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My on time October sons turned 18 senior year in high school. This isn't necessarily a "red shirt issue."

?? He's 18 right now -- the summer before his senior year even starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the people in this thread calling him "an adult" trolling? He's a high school senior who lives at home.

He's going to come home after a summer of freedom and walk all over his parents, then this "adult" is going to say you owe me $120,000-280,000 for my college and don't forget to keep me insured, maybe let me take a car to college, pay that auto insurance, and keep my debit card at +$500.

Some "adult".

What a moron. He is an adult.If they don't want to pay for college for their adult they shouldn't. He can do it himself. You are kind of proving their point, he is less adult now than when he is a "college kid". Other posters seem to think college still as a dependent makes them more adult some how. Anyone that pays 120-280k for their kids college is an unless the kid has a solid career at an elite school that will provide a return on that investment.

I have a co-worker who sent his son to UC Berkeley, as an out of state VA resident and is forking over 38k a year for a stupid sociology degree.