Sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.

It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.

Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.

How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.

This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.

By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.

This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place. But to the 2 previous posters. When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected. One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed. It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people. And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you. And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way. But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy. And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship? I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her. All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.

But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce. Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented. That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle. Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.

Then that's fine. LEARN OTHER WAYS to connect. Talk to yourself. I understand how you can have the knee jerk "I'm hurt" reaction but I react that way to lots of things. Someone cuts me off in traffic? First instant reaction- they did it on purpose to spite me! Then I tell myself, that's absurd, they're probably in a hurry and rushing somewhere. That's exactly the kind of mental process you need to learn to engage in. "My wife doesn't want to sleep with me because she's selfish/doesn't love me/ our connection is dying, etc" "Come on, Larlo, that's ridiculous! She cares very much, she just doesnt want to have sex!"

It's really that simple. And it's an important life skill to have, in every situation.

That's it, plus I think he has self esteem issues. If that's the only way he feels validation, that's going to be a big burden to put on anyone. His next partner might play along for awhile, but she too will tire of that non-sense. I suspect it will end up wash, rinse, re-peat like many second marriages.

[Anonymous]

Nothing wrong with a wife not wanting sex.
Nothing wrong with divorcing or opening the marriage with such a wife either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. Guys on an anonymous forum, posting how they have not had sex in YEARS. As if an anonymous forum could ever help you. HELLO! Wake Up! Declare the marriage open (and go directly out to find your affair partner) or get divorced. Sexless marriage instantly fixed.

Unless you don't want to get divorced and you do want to see your kids. Other than that.... great suggestions

[Anonymous]

^^ what are you talking about ?
If you go the divorce route, the standard is 50/50 custody so you would see plenty of your kids.

If you declare open marriage, then not much would change in regards to seeing your kids.

So yes, these are indeed great suggestions. Or maybe you prefer to play martyr and just keep complaining instead of taking action to solve the issue ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. Guys on an anonymous forum, posting how they have not had sex in YEARS. As if an anonymous forum could ever help you. HELLO! Wake Up! Declare the marriage open (and go directly out to find your affair partner) or get divorced. Sexless marriage instantly fixed.

Unless you don't want to get divorced and you do want to see your kids. Other than that.... great suggestions

+1

[Anonymous]

In VA, refusing to have sex can result in a Constructive Abandonment case during divorce proceedings; especially when it lasts several years. This can result in loss of spousal support to the partner who refuses. If you pair it with other marital obligations she/he fails to do (lack of house care, no emotional involvement with children, etc etc) it is an even stronger case. Something to think about.... Might be time to dump her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm very attractive, flirtatious, smart, and fun. I get hit on all the time.

Every woman says this.

Because it's true? I think men would probably be surprised by how much opportunity most women have. I get hit on walking my dog around and picking up his poop in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It's ridiculous.

Yes there are about 10% of men who will hit on anything. I have a few friends like that...the hit rate is 1 out of 100 women will sleep with them if the guy is below average. It jumps up if you have an expensive car now if you are a hot guy...women hit on you all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.

It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.

Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.

How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.

This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.

By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.

This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place. But to the 2 previous posters. When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected. One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed. It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people. And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you. And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way. But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy. And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship? I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her. All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.

But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce. Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented. That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle. Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.

Well one forcing the other to do something they don't want is also selfish. Yes if the problems are too many, divorce and then date others. Maybe you'll end up with someone more compatible, of course maybe not.

You want to talk about selfish. Selfish is not having sex with your spouse. If you are married there is an understanding that the other person will not have sex outside the marriage. Now if you say I do not want to/ will not have sex with you, you are telling the other person they can no longer have sex. They do not get a choice in it. It is dictate from on high and very selfish. I know the posters defending the no sex partner would never stand for someone doing the same to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to talk about selfish. Selfish is not having sex with your spouse. If you are married there is an understanding that the other person will not have sex outside the marriage. Now if you say I do not want to/ will not have sex with you, you are telling the other person they can no longer have sex. They do not get a choice in it. It is dictate from on high and very selfish. I know the posters defending the no sex partner would never stand for someone doing the same to them.

This x1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW doesn't seem to want to have sex anymore. I don't bug her about it- I'd be happy with once or twice a week, but she doesn't seem to want even that. Sometimes she's "not feeling well" or sometimes she's too tired, but basically it just doesn't happen anymore. I love my wife and don't want to have an affair. I don't want to be one of those porn-addicted guys. And I don't want to argue with DW about it like it's wanting her to do more of the housework or something. You can't "make a case" for having more sex. Either someone wants it or they don't, and I want her to want it. I just don't know what to do. I'm feeling like complete crap about myself and I don't want to have a life without sex.

9+ years here and counting. She just is never in the mood, ever. She's tired, not in the mood, too hot, too cold, that time, had a busy week, is going to have a busy week. The excuses are endless and no matter what logic I use she just refuses. She's knows how I feel, but also knows that I have no real options since I do not want to not see my kids everyday. Its been soul crushing to think that you married someone who claims she still loves you, but just has zero interest in sex. I'm growing more and more depressed and bitter and its hurting the rest of my life as well. I've asked her to see a doctor, she doesn't see the point. I asked this weekend if she even wants to be married to me anymore. She was shocked i even asked that and told me she loved me. When I told that this just isn't normal and that people that love each other have regular sex she told me - "You don't know that. I haven't asked my friends but I don't think they would think its odd". And its not just intercourse, its anything. I have no idea what to do anymore and I'm just growing more and more despondent every day.

Woman here. Female friends I've known who sound like your wife do indeed like being married to their husbands. They like the stability. They like that the husbands are good providers. They are friends with their husbands. But they're not attracted to them. They make excuses, but the main issue is that they just aren't sexually attracted to their husbands. Some end up having affairs. Some just fantasize about other men.

Sorry to say that. It's my impression. I think it's normal to have ups and downs when it comes to libido, but when a woman consistently has no interest in her husband over a long period of time and there is no medical issue (like recent serious illness or serious depression), it's because the woman just isn't interested in her husband in that way. That doesn't mean she wants a divorce because she still likes the stability.

[Anonymous]

^^ PP speaks the absolute truth. She just is not into you, sexually speaking. But she likes keeping you around, to take out the trash and cut the lawn. She is quite content with the marriage. And she knows you will stay. About the only thing that could possibly make her happier is if you would completely stop bothering her about sex. After 9 years why do you still bother? Just redirect all that sexual energy into anonymous posts on internet forums about your sexless marriage. Don't worry, in about 40 more years, you won't have any sex drive either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP speaks the absolute truth. She just is not into you, sexually speaking. But she likes keeping you around, to take out the trash and cut the lawn. She is quite content with the marriage. And she knows you will stay. About the only thing that could possibly make her happier is if you would completely stop bothering her about sex. After 9 years why do you still bother? Just redirect all that sexual energy into anonymous posts on internet forums about your sexless marriage. Don't worry, in about 40 more years, you won't have any sex drive either.

Actually, I am guessing what would make her happy would be if she regained sexual attraction to her husband and that intimacy returned to their lives. For both sexes, intimacy and sex are critical to marital health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I am guessing what would make her happy would be if she regained sexual attraction to her husband and that intimacy returned to their lives. For both sexes, intimacy and sex are critical to marital health.

Where are all the posts from women seeking advice to regain sexual attraction to husband? They seem pretty happy snarking it up on the private school forum. Intimacy and sex are obsolete, marital health is a man to pay the tuitions and sync her phone with her new lexus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I am guessing what would make her happy would be if she regained sexual attraction to her husband and that intimacy returned to their lives.

What a great idea! Tonight I'm going to order my wife to be more sexually attracted to me so that she'll be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP speaks the absolute truth. She just is not into you, sexually speaking. But she likes keeping you around, to take out the trash and cut the lawn. She is quite content with the marriage. And she knows you will stay. About the only thing that could possibly make her happier is if you would completely stop bothering her about sex. After 9 years why do you still bother? Just redirect all that sexual energy into anonymous posts on internet forums about your sexless marriage. Don't worry, in about 40 more years, you won't have any sex drive either.

See you have taken your own advice.