Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

I am amazed that some people in this thread are trying to shame women who want to stay at home. That's like trying to shame a man for wanting to avoid monogamy and sleep around - you really can't shame people for extremely strong instinctive imperatives because they are impervious to it.

The majority of women want to be married to someone who makes their lives as carefree as possible. Are they entitled to it? No. But if they can pull it off they are "winning."

If a woman is not naturally career driven (I think most people know this about themselves when they are kids) she should do everything she can to marry a man who can provide as much as possible, in terms of some agreeable combination of $$ and willingness to help with household duties.

[Anonymous]

I had always told my wife that I did not want to be a sole provider. When we got married, she had every intention of going back to school to earn her RN as she is an LPN and stuck in a lower paying, non career advancement type job. Due to some health complications on her end, we ended up having a baby before she started going back to school. Originally she said she could go to school once DD was a little older because we had friends that did it and she figured she could do it too. Wife stopped working after DD was born because daycare was so much more than what she made we decided it wasn't worth it for that year and we would wait until she went back to school. That was 6 years ago and wife has no intention of going back to school or work.

I love my wife and DS, but I am resentful. I own my own company but I don't make a ton and I'm constantly stressed. From conversations I've had with wife as well as things I've overheard, I don't think my wife had any intention to go back to school or work after having a baby but knew if she told me that, I may not have married her.

I appreciate all she does in raising DD, but the resentment as well as a little bit of distrust has prevented me from wanting a second kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had always told my wife that I did not want to be a sole provider. When we got married, she had every intention of going back to school to earn her RN as she is an LPN and stuck in a lower paying, non career advancement type job. Due to some health complications on her end, we ended up having a baby before she started going back to school. Originally she said she could go to school once DD was a little older because we had friends that did it and she figured she could do it too. Wife stopped working after DD was born because daycare was so much more than what she made we decided it wasn't worth it for that year and we would wait until she went back to school. That was 6 years ago and wife has no intention of going back to school or work.

I love my wife and DS, but I am resentful. I own my own company but I don't make a ton and I'm constantly stressed. From conversations I've had with wife as well as things I've overheard, I don't think my wife had any intention to go back to school or work after having a baby but knew if she told me that, I may not have married her.

I appreciate all she does in raising DD, but the resentment as well as a little bit of distrust has prevented me from wanting a second kid.

A genuinely good wife who sees her husband struggling financially will help out the family by getting a job and not make excuses. That's messed up she intended all along not to work. One of the characteristics I look for in my future spouse is work ethics regardless if I earn a very high income.I not marrying someone who is lazy and unambitious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

I call bullshit. I've been a SAHM for 3 years and I haven't had time to exercise that whole time. I met friends for coffee when my first was <1, but that's about it. Sure, I see friends during activities and hang outs, but it's not exactly leisure time to watch a bunch of mobile kids destroy a house or try to kill themselves at the playground. You have never been any such thing.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had always told my wife that I did not want to be a sole provider. When we got married, she had every intention of going back to school to earn her RN as she is an LPN and stuck in a lower paying, non career advancement type job. Due to some health complications on her end, we ended up having a baby before she started going back to school. Originally she said she could go to school once DD was a little older because we had friends that did it and she figured she could do it too. Wife stopped working after DD was born because daycare was so much more than what she made we decided it wasn't worth it for that year and we would wait until she went back to school. That was 6 years ago and wife has no intention of going back to school or work.

I love my wife and DS, but I am resentful. I own my own company but I don't make a ton and I'm constantly stressed. From conversations I've had with wife as well as things I've overheard, I don't think my wife had any intention to go back to school or work after having a baby but knew if she told me that, I may not have married her.

I appreciate all she does in raising DD, but the resentment as well as a little bit of distrust has prevented me from wanting a second kid.

A genuinely good wife who sees her husband struggling financially will help out the family by getting a job and not make excuses. That's messed up she intended all along not to work. One of the characteristics I look for in my future spouse is work ethics regardless if I earn a very high income.I not marrying someone who is lazy and unambitious.

I'm the pp. While I agree that my wife lacks some ambition, she is not lazy.Parents who stay at home aren't lazy, I recognize that it is a difficult thing to do and a lot of work is involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The point that so many people are missing is that even a small, part time gig can help finances significantly. A Wal-mart or retail job isn't that horrible from an income point of view - 25 hours a week at $12/ hour is still over $15K a year. A lot of retailers offer benefits, profit sharing, employee purchase programs, discounts, retirement savings matching, etc.

+1 But the DCUM crowd is highly educated and high-powered. So your point isn't going to resonate.

I rwtuened to work in a job that paid $17 an hour and am very happy because the work is meaningful to me and I'm very type-B and prefer a work-life balance. I'm also content in a middle class lifestyle - we're comfortable but not striving for material wealth. So for me it works but I'm probably not the typical DCUM-er. This is a very elite crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between being a SAHM with small children who require constant supervision, and being the SAHM for adolescent children.

Yeah but who cares? If you're married and don't want to work what's the problem??

Sure, but if a spouse comes home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and all domestic tasks attended to (including chauffering adolescent children around), why would s/he complain? If I made enough $$, I'd love to have a SAHH to take care of those things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

[Anonymous]

My DH is a better guy than most. He wants me to be happy whether I work or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between being a SAHM with small children who require constant supervision, and being the SAHM for adolescent children.

Yeah but who cares? If you're married and don't want to work what's the problem??

Sure, but if a spouse comes home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and all domestic tasks attended to (including chauffering adolescent children around), why would s/he complain? If I made enough $$, I'd love to have a SAHH to take care of those things!

Some people may not consider needing to help run a vacuum a few times a week, make dinner, and join the kids for activities a "burden" as much as needing to be the sole financial provider for a family is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a better guy than most. He wants me to be happy whether I work or not.

+1.

I am glad that you appreciate him as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It was a unilateral decision and is a huge source of resentment. It kind of killed my marriage. I'm not going anywhere right now, but plan on filing for divorce in a few years once my youngest is settled in college.

So I assume this isn't the only reason you want a divorce. Can't you suggest she go back to work or does she not have skills to work. Remember...if you divorce her and she has no skill set you will be paying out the nose for alimony and if children there will be child support. May be cheaper to keep her.

PP already said that he would wait until youngest child is in college. Child support at that point would be minimal, if anything.

Alimony in ththe context that many people think about doesn't exist in that capacity, everywhere.

And why would a spouse want to "keep" someone who only views them as a bank account and it not putting their own value into the marriage and partnership? If it's a mutual agreement, it's different than a unilateral one.

Depends on the age of the spouse. A woman in her mid-50s that can portray herself as "selflessly staying at home for the kid's sake" (and said kids are now in college) is way more likely to get lifetime or long-term support than a 35-year-old with two elementary school aged kids. ESPECIALLY if there's adultery or the such.

Now if you're willing to cough up X hundred a month just to get rid of the woman, so be it.

Orginal PP here. The financials are interesting. I've spoken with an attorney and in her experience the impoverished spouse will often choose the lump sum payout (i.e. the house which is worth over a million dollars) over long term alimony. Anyway, it doesn't matter either way because on my 53 birthday I will be free of all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between being a SAHM with small children who require constant supervision, and being the SAHM for adolescent children.

Yeah but who cares? If you're married and don't want to work what's the problem??

Sure, but if a spouse comes home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and all domestic tasks attended to (including chauffeuring adolescent children around), why would s/he complain? If I made enough $$, I'd love to have a SAHH to take care of those things!

Some people may not consider needing to help run a vacuum a few times a week, make dinner, and join the kids for activities a "burden" as much as needing to be the sole financial provider for a family is.

And some people would happily be the sole financial provider for the family, as long as the spouse is available at home for the kids. Wow! What a concept!!!

My sole provider DH wants me at home with the kids, ever since he started to make big bucks. Before that, we both were working and our child was in daycare. We felt very guilty about it, and really stretched for time with work, kids and home. If we were not financially able to have the lifestyle we want to have with one salary, I would have been working.

And because we can afford it, I have ample help at home. My entire family has leisure time to pursue our interests now, including my husband. The quality of life for us and our children really sucked when both of us were working. Now my husband is happy that I am available for whatever help the kids need during the day. My kids know that mom is always available if they need me, and I am not guilt-ridden that I am missing out on my kids childhood.

[Anonymous]

I envy the wives married to men who can afford to let them stay at home and not be strapped for cash as a result. If you're in that position and your DH is a nice guy, count yourself very lucky and make sure to let him know how much you appreciate him!